The Darkest Lines in ‘Simpsons’ History, According to Reddit

‘It could’ve been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine’
The Darkest Lines in ‘Simpsons’ History, According to Reddit

Things are getting a little bleak over on r/TheSimpsons today as Reddit fans discuss the darkest bits of dialogue over the show’s long run. While The Simpsons is one of the funniest comedies in TV history, it’s never been afraid to reveal Springfield’s murkiest shadows. Here are some of the grimmest lines in its chronology, as voted by the show’s most fervent fans…  

‘Yeah, that sniper at the All-Star Game was a blessing in disguise.’ — Moe

As one Redditor points out, our favorite bartender/misanthrope should have his own category. Moe knows that with the game’s best players out of the way, it just might be Springfield’s year. Isotopes rule!

‘Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.’ — Moe

Somehow, that line wasn’t the darkest part of Moe’s story about his stint as a member of the Little Rascals. Seems that Moe played “Smelly,” the Rascal that jumped Alfalfa and beat him to death for stealing his “face full of exhaust-pipe soot” bit. This clip’s line, "William Faulkner could write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think," also made Reddit’s list. 

‘Not today, old friend.’ — Moe

Geez, Moe. As he tells his trusty noose that its services won’t be needed in the short term, Moe reassures it that the holidays are just around the corner. And we let kids watch this?

‘Your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: ‘Shoot em’ all, and let God sort it out.’ Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down.’ — Marge

Finally, Marge gets in on the action with a depressing line from “The Boy Who Knew Too Much,” the one where Bart witnesses Freddy Quimby committing a crime. Or does he? Bart should listen to his heart, not the voices in his head like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

‘Hey wait, that’s not a dummy!’ — Lisa

Lisa is at an exhibit for Fourth Reich Motors when she notices that the automakers’ safety testing might have a problem. “This exhibit is closed!”

‘We need another Vietnam. Thin out their ranks a little.’ — Bart

Bart is not a fan of Generation X. Neither, apparently, were the show’s Boomer writers. 

‘Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me luck.’ — The Rich Texan

Homer is the best or worst dealer in the casino, depending on your point-of-view. The Rich Texan (who apparently is also a United States Senator) shows his appreciation. 

I might go mad with fear out there. So Todd, I want you to shoot daddy if he tries to get back in ’ — Ned Flanders leaving his own shelter

Todd seems up to the task.

‘Well, it could’ve been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine.’ — Moe

Let’s go full circle back to Moe, who relates the story of a young punk who tried to hold up his bar. His tale of retaliation inspires grateful cheering from the people of Springfield.

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