The Year in Pete Davidson
A trip on Jeff Bezos’ private rocket! A claymation burial! A three-way with Martha Stewart and Dionne Warwick! What does it say about Pete Davidson that these events only scrape the surface of his tumultuous 2022?
We’re not complaining — Davidson’s the only comic who gives us the gift of bonkers comedy scuttlebutt all year round. But for those of you with short memories, enjoy a Breakfast Crunchwrap as we present you with this month-by-month breakdown of the Year in Pete Davidson.
Quick rewind: Here’s where we left our virile hero at the end of 2021. After a breathless Aladdin/Princess Jasmine kiss on Saturday Night Live, Davidson found his gangly limbs entangled with America’s Reality Queen Kim Kardashian. When last seen in late December, Davidson was tooling around Beverly Hills in Kim’s tricked-out BMW shopping for diamonds.
But such bliss wasn’t meant to last, not when Kim’s easy-going ex Ye was still sorta kinda in the picture. The rapper rang in 2022 by dropping a sweet new track called “My Life Was Never Easy,” which included these lyrics: “God saved me from the crash, just so I can beat Pete Davidson’s ass.”
Aww, snap! Davidson responded by beefing up his security team, allegedly not because he was afraid of Ye but due to the rapper’s extensive network of rabid fans. According to an insider (man, Jim Gaffigan only wishes he had insiders), “He is still Pete, but now Pete comes with a 6-foot-1, 220-pound security guard.”
But Ye wasn’t done yet! He ended the month by spreading rumors that Davidson is gay and has AIDS, the kind of insults Eddie Murphy learned to stop spouting in 1986. Of course, the name-calling didn’t phase Davidson, who memorably played an alternative-universe, tatted-up Joe Biden on SNL.
Remarked Alt-Joe: “Everyone on (our) Earth is better off in the real world except one man named Pete Davidson. Your world is maybe more fun for him.”
THIS JUST IN! After a three-year absence, Davidson returned to Instagram! It was just in time for the month of love, so he and Kim headed out for an early Valentine’s Day date night (or at least that’s what TMZ calls dinner). And y’all know who that was going to piss off. It was back to the recording studio for Ye, who immortalized Davidson in song yet again: “This afternoon / A hundred goons pullin’ up to SNL / When I pull up / It’s dead on arrival.”
Not everyone goes to this much trouble to deliver death threats so you’ve got to admire Ye’s hustle. Rhyming “SNL” and “arrival”? Chef’s kiss! And THIS JUST IN! After getting harassed by the rapper’s fans imploring him to find God, Davidson deleted his Instagram account again.
Whoa, Davidson started doing comedy again! After taking off a few shows to film a movie, Davidson was back on SNL with a desire to watch short-ass movies.
And more comedy news: It was announced that — with the help of Lorne Michaels — comedian Pete Davidson is going to star in a new TV series based on the life of comedian Pete Davidson. Sounds like Davidson’s Davidson movie King of Staten Island but weekly.
The thing is, weekly shows need a lot of material. And so, Davidson stirred it up again by calling Ye “embarrassing” and begging the guy to stop harassing Kim in a series of “leaked” text messages. We’re not sure what Davidson was so hot and bothered about. Could it have been the new video where Ye buries Claymation Pete alive?
Not everything was death threats in March, though. Jeff Bezos declared that he is going to send Davidson into space on his personal rocket! For free!
Er, wait… THIS JUST IN!
April was relatively quiet on the Ye front, creating space for more romance. On the Not Skinny But Fat podcast, Kim reminisced about her spark-inducing Aladdin sketch with Davidson the previous fall: “When we kissed, I was just like, hmm.”
What hilarious sketches was Davidson performing on SNL in April? Oh yeah, he was still taking a few episodes off. Nice work if you can get it!
With entire weeks gone by without threats of physical violence, Davidson decided to toss a few cherry bombs into the teachers’ lounge with the debut of a new neck tattoo devoted to Kim’s kids. This beauty featured the initials KNSCP, and Twitter detectives soon connected them to Kim and her kids North, Saint, Chicago and Psalm. In other words, Davidson went and got Ye’s kids inked onto his neck. We’d post a picture, but it’s a little like “Where’s Waldo?” trying to find it among the other tats.
On the comedy front, Davidson quit the show that he barely showed up for in 2022.
Ah, romance. Kim finally revealed how she and Davidson got together, a courtship that reflects the Kardashian family’s old-fashioned values. Coyly dishing with her sisters on their reality show, Kim explained that she initiated a text conversation with the comic: “I wasn’t even thinking like, Oh my god, I’m gonna be in a relationship with him. I was just thinking, Heard about this BDE, need to get out there... I was just basically DTF.”
In other news, Orlando Bloom signed on to Davidson’s new stoner movie, in which Pete Davidson plays yet another variation on Pete Davidson.
For a guy nearly buried alive/launched into space, Davidson has simple dreams. As he told Kevin Hart, “My favorite thing ever, which I have yet to achieve, I wanna have a kid. That’s like my dream. It’s like, super corny.” (What, having four of other people’s kids not enough for you?) In order to raise a family, of course, Davidson needed a job to pay the bills. With SNL no longer writing the checks, the smooth-chested comic signed a deal with Manscaped. Manscaped: There’s no better way to care for the hair down there.
“Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian Both Knew Their Romance Was Doomed,” boomed the headlines. Well, of course they knew! Their publicists surely told them the August end date when they set up the relationship in the first place. That, however, didn’t stop Ye, strangely silent since March, from re-entering the defunct conversation. Taking once again to Instagram during one of the rare months he wasn’t suspended, Ye slapped this in his Insta feed:
Just imagine what the headline would have said if Davidson and Kim had stayed together!
As for the business of being a comedy person? Davidson’s new show Bupkis celebrated a casting coup, landing Joe Pesci to play the grandfather to Davidson’s Staten Island stoner. Interesting since Pesci hasn’t always done well with people considering him “funny.”
Davidson, no longer dating Kim Kardashian, still continued to get harassed by Ye. In this month’s edition, the rapper made (since-deleted) posts on Instagram, urging fans to “ask Pete how those tattoos of my kids doing in the trauma unit.” Important sidenote: Davidson was nowhere near the trauma unit. In fact, he was attending the Emmy Awards — dressed as Kanye West. Really, guys?
When Davidson and Ye weren’t trolling each other, Davidson’s new comedy with Kaley Cuoco, Meet Cute, dropped on Peacock. Yeah, we haven’t seen it either.
In honor of Halloween, Davidson engaged in a number of frighteningly creepy romantic encounters. First, there was the episode of The Kardashians where Kim confessed to her 88-year-old grandmother that she and Davidson got busy in front of the fireplace in her honor. Awww, Nana — these knocking boots are for you.
But why have sex in honor of a woman in her 80s when you can actually have sex with a woman in her 80s? The 81-year-old Martha Stewart told Drew Barrymore that she’d be down. Why’s that? “He’s dated so many women. I’m not saying that’s bad. I think that’s good. And he’s sort of cute.”
But the real love of Davidson’s life? A Breakfast Crunchwrap.
Oh, and about that autobiographical TV show that Davidson was filming with Joe Pesci? He gave producers a great idea for the season finale by having a “major meltdown” in his trailer, throwing “two candles through his trailer and damag(ing) a second truck’s windshield.” Dang, those must have been some massive hunks o’ wax!
What do you get a guy like Pete Davidson for his 29th birthday? How about Emily Ratajkowski?
Well, that didn’t last long. After a few weeks of tabloid feeding frenzy, Pete-ajkowski was seemingly over. But a new relationship (of course) soon took its place. With his old Instagram dormant, Davidson decided to team up with bestie Eli Manning for a couples account. Then, like other Davidson social media, it almost immediately disappeared. It was back when we drafted this story. It’s gone again now. Had Pete and Eli broken up, too? None of this was weird at all.
Let’s end the Year in Pete Davidson with his new TV mom refusing to discuss her fictional son’s allegedly large endowment. Edie Falco recently told the hosts of The View that the secret to Davidson’s magic with the ladies was his self-deprecating sense of humor. “It’s gotta be more than that,” argued eyebrow-waggling Ana Navarro, “’cause I know a lot of funny men.”
“I’m staying away from all of that,” protested Falco. “As his pretend mother, I don’t know anything about that stuff.”
Someone who’s not staying away from all that BDE? Eighty-two-year-old Dionne Warwick, who recently called out Davidson for depriving her of the goods on The Jennifer Hudson Show. “I’m thinking he’s dating everybody else,” she complained. “Why not me?”