The 10 Dumbest Things Dr. Spaceman Said on ‘30 Rock’

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The 10 Dumbest Things Dr. Spaceman Said on ‘30 Rock’

Back in the days when the idea of medical professionals spouting grossly negligent statements was still funny, we all enjoyed Dr. Leo Spaceman, the Dr. Nick of the 30 Rock universe. Played with pitch-perfect deadpan confidence by the great Chris Parnell, Dr. Spaceman was always good for some hilarious pieces of wildly questionable advice. 

As such, weve gathered some of his dumbest assertions, which, in retrospect, might be less dumb than what we now see every day on social media.

Medicine Isnt A Science

The very first time we meet Dr. Spaceman, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) is trying to balance Tracy Jordans (Tracy Morgan) meds so hes fit to do Conan. Dr. Spaceman informs her that Tracy is on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that theres no telling how theyll mix. But what can you do? Medicines not a science. He later realizes that hes being a little too open, possibly because he took all those blue things.

Blaming ED on Popular Music

On 30 Rocks first live show, Dr. Spaceman appears in a commercial addressing the issue of erectile dysfunction, which is not just a dog problem anymore. He places the blame for this ailment squarely on popular music since the world hasnt produced a good doing-it song since Close the Door by Teddy Pendergrass. He then goes on to hawk his own album of sexually-charged ballads.

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Surgery Breakfast

Tracy visits Dr. Spaceman to get a vasectomy (bad idea), at which point, the doctor reminds his patient not to eat anything before surgery, because hell have a big breakfast waiting.

Suggesting Meth for Weight Loss

Dr. Spaceman suggests that Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) shed some extra pounds with crystal meth, which has been “shown to be very effective.” At least he pauses to question Jenna about how important “tooth retention” is to her. And, honestly, some blame should probably go to whoever is mass-producing these brochures:

NBC

R&R = Rum and Ritalin

A stressed-out Liz goes to see Dr. Spaceman for some reason, and he suggests a little R&R — that is, “Rum and Ritalin.” He also ends the appointment by offering her a blank prescription slip, so maybe he’s not all bad.

NBC

The Least Legal Anxiety Treatment

Liz nearly gets LASIK surgery from Dr. Spaceman, but she’s understandably nervous — so he offers to give her something for it… but reminds himself: “I’m not supposed to have sex with my patients.”

Cigarettes for Babies

Okay, technically, this was Dr. Harold Spaceman. Still, in the episode “Live From Studio 6H,” we got a black-and-white commercial in which the old-timey Dr. Spaceman promotes Chattertons cigarettes to women in “the family way.” Why? Because a “baby's lungs need refreshing nicotine for science reasons.” Also, “his growing bones need tar to hold them together.”

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Prescribing Sketchy Caffeine Pills

Jenna is having a hard time staying awake while filming a legally dubious Janis Joplin biopic, playing either “Janet Jopler” or “Janie Jimplin.” (The character eventually becomes “Jackie Jormp-Jomp.”) So Dr. Spaceman enlists her to be a human test subject for pills developed by the U.S. government and the WNBA. The directions seem like a pretty major red flag:

NBC

Where’s the Heart?

After Don Geiss (Rip Torn) falls into a diabetic coma, a desperate Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) suggests injecting something straight into his heart — a grossed-out Dr. Spaceman says that he’d love to but, unfortunately, “we have no way of knowing where the heart is.”

NBC

Bringing Up Vagina Dentata During A Physical Exam

When Jenna has trouble singing, Dr. Spaceman examines her mouth and concludes: “If those teeth were in your vagina, you’d be considered a monster.” He also claims that, while the problem is psychosomatic, there’s “no field of medicine that deals with the brain.” He wraps things up by offering her a brochure for a cult:

NBC

Seriously, who keeps printing those?

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter (if it still exists by the time you’re reading this). 

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