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JD Roberson
Tracy Jordan is a non-stop waterfall of wisdom and keen insight. Become the new queen of Jordan after checking out these 15 timeless Tracy Jordan musings.
On Living Life To The Fullest
NBC
"Here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week."
If that doesn’t make your eyes misty, I don’t know what will.
Related: 15 Smart Moments in 'Dumb' Action Movies
On Romancing
NBC
“Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high five.”
Can also be used by military generals searching for peace.
Related: Everything Is Gaming: Romancing NPCs Based On Their Love Languages
On Practice
NBC
“Let’s do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect, because perfection is my middle name. “Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.”
Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy is long for “Tracy Jordan.”
Related: Gaze Upon The Toothy Horror That Is Dental Practice Dummies
On Birthday Gifts
"I don't need a birthday, 'cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise."
Reminds me of the time I realized I had bought the entire Ferris Bueller outfit from the parade scene while blackout.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 2
On Treating Others With Respect
NBC
“That’s what Danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what’s going on.”
Related: How Cops In Other Countries Treat Firearms
On Conflict Resolution
"What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law."
Two men enter, one Tracy leaves.
Related: New Year's Resolutions' Weird History
On The Holidays
NBC
“The holidays without drinkin’ is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife’s sister ain’t as cute as I thought she was and I can not play the guitar.”
Everyone will miss Tracy’s yearly rendition of "Wonderwall".
Related: Peanuts' Holiday Specials Won't Air On TV This Year
On White Culture
"We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Barry at the Oscars. White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, and heart disease."
We are willing to cut ties with Will Smith if we can keep heart disease.
Related: Marlon Wayans Doubles Down on the Cultural Importance of ‘White Chicks’
On crowd work
NBC
“Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts.”
The few ghosts in the crowd must’ve felt pretty badass after that.
Related: A Look Back At ‘The IT Crowd’'s Most Deranged Episode
On The Statue Of Liberty
“I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial, cause that year someone had spread a rumor that she was gonna slip out of her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies.”
No one show Tracy the movie Shrek.
Related: The 6 Most Intimidating Statues from Around the World
On Literature
NBC
“A book hasn’t given me this much trouble since Waldo went to that barber pole factory.”
Waldo Visits The Giant Candy Cane Store was a close second.
Related: 7 Great Works Of Literature (Written While Wasted)
On Female Empowerment
“I know it’s a girl, Liz Lemon. Because I yelled, ‘Susan B. Anthony’ at the moment of conception.”
For the reverse you have to yell “Jordan Peterson makes some good points.”
Related: Michael Bay's Dora The Explorer Movie Is For Who, Exactly?
On Friendship
NBC
“Never better. I’m as happy as a clam who wants to kill some woman.”
Tracy has probably killed someone before right? Not on purpose, just in some hilarious hijinks.
Related: 'Broad City' Was The Worst Best Friendship On Television
On The Culinary Arts
NBC
"I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant."
Would have loved to have seen his daughter, Cornbread Jordan.
Related: Ramen Noodles Can Be Turned Into Almost Any Food In This Highly-Cursed Cooking Infomercial
On Responsible Drinking
NBC
“You’re going to pour glue in the lock. That’s how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.”
How is he going to drunk order birthday presents now?
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Top Image: NBC
Related: 6 Ridiculous Drinking Myths You Probably Believe
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