15 Wanda Sykes Jokes for the Hall of Fame

15 On Babysitting

“I have nephews. They love spending time with us. They love it ‘cause we let them do whatever they wanna do. They’re not our kids, we don’t care. Only thing I have to do is keep you alive. That’s it. They come visit us: ‘Oh what? No dinner? All right, hey, ice cream all day! How about that? Eat up! I don’t pay your dental bills. I don’t care.’

“I remember the first time they stayed with us. My sister-in-law called me, it was like after midnight. She's like, ‘Did you have a hard time getting the boys to sleep?’

“I’m like, ‘Sleep? Girl, we’re sitting here, drinking liquor, playing Nintendo.’”

14 On Marriage

“They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. Your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. ‘He’s broke. I dunno. He just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.’

“You can’t do that. Until death do you part, man. See, that’s Biblical times. Moses wrote that. That’s in the Old Testament. They had no problem saying ‘til death do you part’ back then, because they didn’t live that long. They had plagues, you know? Soon as that guy got on your nerves, here come some locusts to eat his ass up for you.”

13 On Annoying Kids

“I like that people feel like they can come and talk to me, but sometimes… Don’t. I was on a plane and this flight attendant walks up and she goes, ‘Uh, Miss Sykes, this is Bobby. Bobby is flying by himself today, and we’re gonna sit him next to you.’

“‘Well, obviously Bobby’s parents don't give a f–k about him, so what do you expect from me? Do I look like the Air Nanny? I don’t want to be bothered. I want to sit here and read my book.’

“But Bobby wanted to talk the whole f–king flight. I put my iPod on, figuring Bobby’d get the hint. Bobby kept talking, talking, and tapped me on my shoulder. I was like, ‘See, this is why you’re flying by yourself. Maybe if you shut the f–k up every now and then somebody will accompany your little ass. Ain’t nobody waiting for you on the other end.’

“And then I started thinking, because my favorite show is Lost, and I was like, ‘What if this plane goes down, and it’s just me and Bobby? I’m gonna eat him. I am! I’ll eat him up! First bite would be the vocal cords! I’ll tear them up!’

“Rescue people show up like, ‘Ma’am, what are you doing?’ 

“‘Hey, you’re allowed to eat people when you survive a plane crash! I didn’t know how long I was going to be stranded out here.’

“‘Stranded? Ma’am, your flight went down three minutes ago! You were flying from Chicago to Nashville! You can see the f–cking IHOP from here! What is your problem?’”

12 On Barbie

“My wife and I, neither one of us are girly girls. But my daughter, man, she’s so into Barbies and princesses. We had to stop the Barbie thing; I was like, ‘You know what? I’m not buying her any more Barbies. F–k that.’

“‘Cause I thought about it — really, what does Barbie do? We got her the Barbie with the dream house with the working elevator. What are we teaching her? That one day, somebody’s gonna buy her a dream house with an elevator? I’m looking at my son’s toys: Transformers and Legos. He’s building things, being creative. His Transformers, they’re a car one minute and they turn into a robot. The f–k does Barbie transform into? A ho. That’s what Barbie transforms into — A HO! F–k the dream house, Barbie should come with a pimp, a corner and a pole. Barbie ain’t nothin but a starter kit for the Real Housewives, that’s it!’”

11 On Esther

“I got a nice gut going on. Ugh. Yeah, Esther is out-of-control. Yes, I call her Esther. When I was in my 40s, I got this little fat roll. I just named it. That was Esther. And now Esther is spreading. Esther is roaming around my body there. Esther’s all creeping around my back like, ‘Hmm, what’s back here? Let’s see what’s back here. Heeeey…’

“She wants to eat everything. And when you get older, your digestive system changes. I can’t eat a bunch of junk, like greasy food and shit like that. That’d tear me up. But Esther’s… We’re sitting there watching TV, commercials come on and Esther’s like, ‘Mmm. Let’s live a little. Let’s go get some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries.’

“I was like, ‘Ain’t no way in the world I can eat some Nacho Fries.’

“If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries, I would have to eat them in the parking lot of the urgent care.”

10 On Getting Free Drinks

“Guys don’t buy you free drinks like they used to. Remember the good old days? You’d go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, ‘Excuse me, ma’am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy you a drink.’

“You would say, ‘Okay, thank you. Beautiful,’ you would get your drink and then the greatest thing of all: He would keep his ass way over there in the corner and leave you the hell alone.”

9 On Her Place in Politics

“I’m a black, gay woman. The only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.”

8 On Her Gynecologist

“I had a gynecologist who just would talk all the time, like we were buddies. Like, I’m in there, I got my feet up in those things, and she’d do this when she came in, ‘How’s it going?’ 

“I’m like, ‘First of all, no.’

“And then it was all this conversation, like, ‘So, what’s going on, huh? What’s happening? Getting into anything good this weekend?’

“I’m like, ’Will she shut the hell up?’ 

“So I’ve always wanted to get her back. I thought about doing this — like I’m in the stirrups, and she was like, ‘Hey, girl! So, what’s going on? What’s good?’ 

“I want to just take my big toe and brush her hair back. Just to be like, ‘I dunno, girl. What’s up with you?’ And that will probably be the start of my #MeToo case right there.”

7 On Her Life’s Journey

“Every day, I look back on my life and go, ‘How the hell did I get here?’ Here I am, a very proud African-American woman, from Virginia, and went to a historically Black college. I belonged to a Black sorority… And now I’m married to a white French woman, and I have two little white kids. So basically, I take care of white people. My kids are like white white, too. I’m talking about blond-haired, blue-eyed — I'm talking Frozen. That white! Don’t get me wrong, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m so blessed, very happy. But I’ll wake up, go downstairs and make my tea, and I look over at my family: ’How did all these white people get in my house? I’m a minority in my own home.”

6 On Crime

“I started doing comedy in Washington, D.C., and as you know, D.C. has a little crime problem. It’s the murder capitol. Matter of fact, D.C. is so bad that a friend of mine who’s a police officer told me to buy a gun. Even told me what type of gun I should buy. Told me to buy a Walther PPK. This gun costs $400. $400! Now, if I spend $400 for a gun, I’m shooting somebody. Flesh wound, pinky finger, somebody’s getting shot. I refuse to let a $400 gun go to waste. ‘Avon Lady!’ Ding-dong, BOOM!”

5 On Fitness

“I worked out for you guys. I went to the gym earlier, and it’s something I don’t do, because I hate working out. They see me in there, and they try to get me a personal trainer. They want to get me on a steady plan. I was like, ‘I don’t need a damn personal trainer. I don’t need a damn skinny bitch hollering at me all the time. I’m not going to pay somebody to holla at me, nuh-uh.’ 

“And when you get a personal trainer, the first thing they do is mess with your food. They say, ‘The first thing we’re going to do is cut out all of your carbs.’ 

“‘Hold up, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I have this medical condition, when you cut out my carbs, my foot goes right up your ass... I don’t know what it is!’”

4 On Her Funeral Plans

“I even planned my funeral. I told them what to do with my body. I said, ‘Look, I’m an organ donor, so make sure that happens. And the rest of it, just burn it up.’

“And they were like, ‘What should we do with the ashes?’

“I said, ‘Spread them over Halle Berry.’ She doesn’t even have to be at the funeral, just catch her ass on the street one day.”

3 On Sex

“For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant. No matter what they order off that menu, they walk out saying, ‘Damn! That was good!’ 

“For women, it don’t work like that. We go to the restaurant; sometimes it’s good, sometimes you gotta send it back. Or you might go, ‘I think I’m going to cook for myself today.’”

2 On Advice for White People

“You need a Black friend. Get a Black friend, you’ll learn some shit. Like, here’s an easy one: Never touch a Black woman’s hair. I don’t give a f–k if she has a tarantula sitting on her head. You let it bite her. Here’s another one: White people, you go and you get a tan, you get a nice tan, you been on vacation… Do not go back to your job and go up to your Black coworker and say, ‘Hey, Denise. I’m almost there. Hey, girlfriend, I’m almost there!’

“We hate that shit, and we secretly wish bad Black shit happens to you when you do it: ‘Mm-hmm. I hope you get sickle cell.’”

1 On Strip Clubs

“I went to this one strip club with the guys, and they actually tried to charge me a cover. Can you believe that? Wanting me to pay? I was like, ‘Pay? Are you out of your damn mind? C’mon man, I brought my own titties, and you expect me to pay to see titties? Shoot, I can see titties for free — all day if I want to. Yeah, I can even play with them. Can you do that in there? I don’t think so. You know, B.Y.O.T., man.’

“But I ain't gonna lie to y'all — once I got inside, and saw those triple-Gs and stuff? I went back and paid. I was like, ‘Oh, I get it now. I see. These are professional titties in here.’”