8 Ways Turkeys Are Total Madmen Who Would Happily Kill You

If you die, you die.
8 Ways Turkeys Are Total Madmen Who Would Happily Kill You

In just a few days, the country of America will collectively put on a display of widespread turkey murder. Sure, meat consumption is common and continuous across the world, so it’s not exactly more or less death than a usual daily meal. Where it does break away is the complete, bloodthirsty focus on a single animal. This is not a demonstration of subsistence, this is a feathered massacre set entirely around one bird unlucky enough to have been saddled with delicious tradition. Carcasses of turkeys are picked clean in unison by hundreds of millions of people, and then the remains are left unceremoniously in a trashcan to be picked further by scavengers. Bones of turkeys past clutter the tables of America like the mires of bird hell, with humans laughing over them like demon princes.

Given all this, you might start to look down on the turkey. Why wouldn’t you? The scoreboard is utterly lopsided in a way that even millennia of talon-sliced arteries couldn’t reverse. Our respect for the turkey is so low that even the mention of their name is more likely to bring to mind an image of them roasted and set on an oval plate than the actual, live animal. But these rounded, golden meatloaves are not truly the turkey. These are cowed, overbred birds that can do nothing but stare at the sky and wish for a death that is surely coming. Real turkeys, wild turkeys, are not an easy source of a dozen pounds of dark meat. They are a fearsome enemy, and if you were to be put one on one, do not be so sure you would leave with the preferred amount of blood in your veins.

Here are 8 facts that show why wild turkeys are not to be trifled with, and would like nothing more than to see your blood spilled like seed.

They Are Massive

Public Domain

Still feeling froggy?

You might know, generally, that turkeys are pretty large. It’s what suits their domesticated cousins so well to feeding an extended family. However, when not trimmed and dressed, that size is a whole lot less appetizing and a whole lot more terrifying. Adult male wild turkeys can regularly hit 4 feet, which is almost tall enough to get on Tinder. That also means that their sharp, sharp, snappy beaks are squarely within range of your very softest bits, should they launch an offensive. Not to mention only being a hop, skip, and an attack away from turning you into a bellowing cyclops. They can weigh up to 25 pounds, 95% of which is pure rage.

They Have Sharp Spurs

Paul VanDerWerf

Take a look at that little lacerating machine.

As if beaks and talons weren’t already good enough built in melee weapons, wild turkeys also have a secret weapon on the back of their legs, like those old secret shot nerf guns. Male wild turkeys, or toms, that are over 3 years old will often have sharp, hooked, keratinous spurs that are over an inch long. They’ve basically got little mall ninja knives on the back of their legs, with a hooked shape that would be perfect for severing any number of quite important veins.

They Will Attack You


“Was that slight breeze on my wattle your attempt at a kick?”

Now you might be thinking, “oh, but surely this is nothing more than a hypothetical, a thought exercise about the POSSIBLE violent power of a wild turkey.” Let me lay those thoughts of peace to rest, gentle baby child. The war is upon us. The wild turkey wants to, and has, attacked humans with little to no provocation necessary. Like a sports bar meathead clinging to a fragile, chaotic relationship with his girlfriend, every wild turkey is basically surrounded by a radius in which violence is the most likely outcome. Don’t believe me? Ask the people of Oakland, who were regularly beset upon by a feathered hellspawn known as Gerald.

They Have No Fear


The last thing you see alive.

Let me expound upon the fury of this creature. As just covered, they are a bloodthirsty gremlin of a bird that is all too happy to throw talons. So much so, in fact, that they seem to do so without any care or consideration of their own well-being or odds. They have the confidence of a poorly socialized Shih-Tzu when it comes to taking on opponents of any size or familiarity. Here is a video of a turkey attacking a motorcycle. Imagine that level of confidence. To see something the size of a donkey that you are completely and totally unfamiliar with on any level, and sprinting directly at it with death in your eyes. It would be like seeing a Transformer and immediately trying to punch it in the head.

They Are Fast As Hell


Positively zooming.

Speaking of sprinting, wild turkeys are, as they say, fast as fuck, boi. Famous sprinter Usain Bolt’s top speed is somewhere around twenty eight miles per hour. Wild turkeys can sprint at twenty five miles an hour. So, if you are unlucky enough to get yourself on a wild turkey’s kill list, by doing something like “being near it,” that thing will run you down like D.K. Metcalf. That’s even given you’re in passably good shape, and don’t have what I call “internet writers’ shins” which would crumble into cat litter if I ever tried to hit a full sprint. Not that it really matters if you outrun them anyways, since they can always just fly. At 55 miles an hour.

They Have Better Vision Than Humans


Target acquired.

You might associate a keen hunter’s eye with a hawk or an eagle. Apex predators that survey their land from on high, spotting prey from unimaginable distances. You might be more surprised to find out that the wild turkey ALSO has eyesight the U.S. military would kill hundreds to be able to outfit supersoldiers with. Wild turkeys’ eyesight is 3 times better than humans, and they can see in a full 270 degrees like they activated a goddamn Call of Duty perk. Wild turkeys will track you down on the goddamn minimap to wreck your whole scalp.

They Have Lived Over Ten Million Years


This definitely feels dinosaur-ADJACENT.

The connection between birds and dinosaurs that has forever slightly ruined the Tyrannosaurus Rex for everyone is well known at this point. Still, it might be pretty shocking to realize that researchers estimate that the turkey, in some form, may have existed 10 million years ago. That means ancient turkeys were hobnobbing with sabre-toothed tigers like Smilodon. Just in case you weren’t sure that the ancient killing machine gene is strong in the turkey, research showed that turkeys, along with chickens, possess the most dinosaur DNA of any existing bird.

They Literally Think They’re Better Than You


This turkey is straight up looking at you like an anime villain only using half his power.

In case all the physical damage they might be able to inflict wasn’t enough, just know that if a wild turkey is even exhibiting aggression towards you at all, there is some mental damage involved. That’s because wild turkeys attack beings that they consider their subordinates. Meaning that if you get charged by one, it is, quite literally, because they think you look like a bitch.

Top Image: YouTube/Pexels

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