‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’ Is Hornier Than You Remember

All the Whos were doing WHAT in Whoville?!
‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’ Is Hornier Than You Remember

Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book How The Grinch Stole Christmas is a charming, modest tale about the value of rejecting a culture of materialism – so naturally, in the year 2000, Hollywood transformed it into a neon gauntlet of unpleasant gags and nightmare-inducing make-up effects.

The weirdest part about Jim Carrey’s take on the Grinch, in retrospect, is, without a doubt … the horniness. 

Since the book is only like 60 pages long, director Ron Howard and company had to cram a lot of extra cinematic nonsense into the story in order to pad out its 105-minute runtime. Like, for some reason, we get a whole prolonged backstory involving how the Grinch ended up in Whoville. Well, apparently, in the Seuss-verse, babies are not born through someone’s birth canal but via parachuting bassinets. Babies are still seemingly the product of sexual intercourse, however, as evidenced by the guy who notices that his new baby suspiciously looks like his wife’s boss. 

Seconds later, we see the baby Grinch’s basket deflect one of the Who babies, who then careens into the dark, wintery woods. Putting aside the fact that there is now a potentially-freezing baby in this family holiday film, next, the Grinch lands on the doorstep of two sisters. To explain how this happened, the movie shows us that the sisters were in the middle of throwing their annual holiday … key party?

Meaning that the Grinch, or rather the baby that he usurped, was likely the product of a tryst between a couple of unidentified swingers. And to be fair, Dr. Seuss not including a wild, Smash Mouth-heavy Who-orgy in his original story was a pretty significant oversight.

Then there’s the character of Martha, played by Christine Baranski, who is, for some reason, super-into the Grinch. In one scene, through a series of slapstick calamities, the Grinch ends up practically motorboating his childhood crush. According to Baranski, this caused a minor behind-the-scenes controversy when Dr. Seuss’ widow objected to her character’s “pillowy cleavage.”

After many longing, amorous glances, in the end, Martha finally breaks up with her fiancé and chooses the Grinch, presumably because some screenwriter thought that it wasn’t enough for just his heart to grow three sizes. 

Incidentally, Martha’s Grinch fetish seems to be an actual thing people have now. God bless us, everyone. 

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter (if it still exists by the time you’re reading this). 

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