15 Chelsea Peretti Jokes for the Hall of Fame

15 Chelsea on Sex

“Sex was so exciting at first, wasn't it? You're like, ‘Whoa, something’s in me!’

And then it slows down, people try to jazz it up. Some people talk during sex. I like to be pretty much dead silent, that's my comfort zone. But then once in a while, sometimes I will be like, ‘Thank you for dinner.’ Just to be a lady and show some gratitude at the appropriate time.”

14 Chelsea on the Environment

“It hurts all the more when a Prius cuts you off because it’s like wow, you love the earth, but you don’t like humans.”

13 Chelsea on Her Heritage

“I’m Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.”

12 Chelsea on Running into an Ex

“Then you find out you're not that compatible as friends, but you still run into that random person all over town at the local smoothie shop, you know? And you have to be like, ‘Oh my God, you still exist!’

They'll always be like, ‘We should do lunch!’

You know, the thing that people who hate each other do. We should do lunch. Always push it a little bit, just to call their bluff. I'm like, "We should rent a car and drive up the coast. ‘Let's buy some lumber and learn how to build. I just want to get to know you through task-based projects.’"

11 Chelsea on Making an Entrance

“I read this woman’s magazine, and it said, ‘if you feel nervous at parties, here are some conversation starters!’ One of the things was ‘wear a funky necklace, and that’ll help break the ice.’ 

And I’m just like, why not go big? Why not just walk into a party just dragging a dead dog? That will get lips a-flappin’.”

10 Chelsea Peretti: People Person

“I shouldn't have to live with people because I don't like people. I'm not a good friend. Like, if a friend is talking to me, I just find myself going, ‘Oh, I hope I look like I'm listening.’ and I'm just tuning out thinking about myself. My friend called me up and he wanted to talk to me about his sleep problems, which I knew was gonna be riveting. And he's like, ‘Man, I couldn't sleep last night. I tried everything, you know? I tried reading for a little while, that didn't do it. I brewed up a big pot of chamomile tea…’

I'm like, ‘Did you try telling yourself this story? Pretty sure that wouldn't knock you right out, ‘cuz it sucks!’” 

9 Chelsea on Hats

“Do you guys think it's worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?”

8 Chelsea Arguing with a Wall

“If these walls could talk they’d be like, “Damn bitch, you’re back in bed again?’ 

I'd be like, ‘Shut up walls! You're boring, too!’”

7 Chelsea on Dogs

I wish I could text my dog. That is so irritating to me, that I could text everybody in my life that I love except my dog. And he would be the perfect person to text 'cause he's always home. Okay? He would always be available. I could be uncomfortable at a dinner party, and just shoot him a text, like, "Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing, little cutie?"

And then, he'd write back just like, "Nothing… As per 'uzhe.' What about you?"

I'd just write back, "I feel awkward at this party. I don't know what to do."

And he'd just be like, "Sniff people's butts."

‘Dude, that's more your thing. That's not something I do."

And he'd be like, "Oh, sorry, I can't read your mind at all times. I'm just trying to help out, I'm sorry. I mean… (sigh) Why don't you just lick your own butt and then try to lick them right here, like right inside their lip right there."

I'm like, "Dude, once again… you're looking at my life through the prism of your own experience.”

He's like, "All right, what about… try to go outside? It's so f–king cool out there. Even if you can just look out a window for a second, I promise you there is sh*t you can see that no one else can see, Chelsea."

I'm like, "Dude, f–k you." Click. Then people are like, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I just got in a fight with this guy. He's a dog." 

6 Chelsea on Technology

“iPhones are out of control right now. My friend got the new one…And he was like complaining, ‘My thumb doesn’t fit all the way across to swipe.’

I’m like, ‘Men used to hunt.’”

5 Chelsea on Social Media

If you really want to piss off a really hot girl, like a model-hot girl, go onto her social media, find a photo where she looks smoking hot, and you're just a regular girl. Go onto her comments and just be like, "People say I look just like you."

She'll be like, "No!" 

4 Chelsea on Bananas

“I don’t like eating bananas in public. That’s so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying because it’s just a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana, all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how do I de-dick this delicious treat?”

3 Chelsea on Public Restrooms

“I don't like peeing in public. I hate that feeling of someone being so close to you. I don't know if you guys do this, but I will actually tilt and try to pee on the side of the toilet bowl, 'cause it flattens it, and then it's seamlessly injected into the toilet water, completely silently. And then no one can ever know how forceful my pee stream is. That's too much intel for a stranger. They're like, ‘Chelsea pees like a horse!’

It's like, no! Puttin' my foot down.”

2 Chelsea on Her Parents

“My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.”

1 Chelsea on Weddings

“Weddings are cool because you can cry in public about other stuff as long as you look in the general direction of the bride and groom.”