The technology of warfare is unbelievably advanced in the modern age, thanks to the government’s deep pockets and rapidly expanding technology. Wars are fought on computer screens, and even a standard issue M4 would turn one lightly trained modern warrior into a juggernaut in battles of old. Though the weapons ancient wars were fought with may be antiquated, the vast majority of them still remain undeniably badass. Sure, guns are more efficient, but one thing they don’t do is cleave your enemy in twain like a ripe fruit. The number of spikes on weapons and armor has also sadly, massively decreased. Drones might be the future, but medieval arms are literally and figuratively, totally metal.

Here is my definitive ranking of the 15 most metal medieval weapons.

Shortbow

Pixabay

A bow allows you to fight from far away silently. Both of these things are extremely un-metal, bordering on downright cowardly. Perching atop a hillcrest, twanging little feathery sticks through the air? That is the battle equivalent of the flute. The word archer makes me think of dumb hats and elf shoes.

Rapier

Pixabay

Swords are pretty metal, yet the rapier is still some absolute dandy nonsense. You could be swinging 6 pounds of steel and instead you’re doing limp little lunges with a metal toothpick. You are basically dance-fighting like a less cool medieval Eddy Gordo. It’s the kind of weapon that makes you seem like you’re going to ask the commander what the rules are before the battle. I hope an Orc rips you in half.

Dagger

Pixabay

Daggers aren’t THAT bad, especially if you’re like, a pale weird assassin. That is cool as hell. Still, there’s just so many bigger cooler weapons that it’s hard for it to hold up. Let’s be honest: if you’re at the weapon rack before some sort of brutal gladiatorial throwdown, the only way you’re choosing a dagger is if you got hit too hard in the head with a club the match before. One exception, though, is if the dagger is cursed. Especially if it has glowing jewels on it.

Longbow

Pixabay

Still ranged combat, still not metal, but at least a longbow is huge and you need to be strong to use it. All of the points about the shortbow above still apply, but now your arms are probably ripped and you’ve got enough power to straight up shishkabob a goblin. A shishakaboblin, if you will.

Crossbow

Pixabay

Bows, as we’ve discussed, are squarely at the bottom of the rankings of metal weapons. Ballistas, however, are extremely cool, huge, and can shoot giant arrows directly into a cyclops’ eye. Therefore the crossbow occupies the space in between. Plus, it is much louder, and louder earns it at least some MP (metal points).

Spear

Pixabay

OK, we’re starting to get into the good stuff. We’ve got a weapon that requires you to be on the actual battlefield, and something that can disembowel somebody. Unfortunately, it’s also a big dumb stick that basically just does really dangerous poking. Weirdly, a spear is basically a dagger tied to a stick, but an ACTUAL dagger tied to a stick is more metal than either a spear or a dagger alone.

Sword

Pixabay

The classic. The baseline by which all other cool warrior accessories are judged. Longswords obviously slightly beat out shortswords, but it’s a negligible difference. This is the first weapon capable of beheading someone, which is a MASSIVE point swing in its favor. Honestly, even though this is only one spot above the spear, the true gap between those is a massive category jump between weapons that can’t chop stuff off of people and weapons that can.

Scimitar

Pixabay

If swords are cool, obviously scimitars are slightly cooler. They just look like haunted swords. If a longsword is a reasonable Honda Accord, a scimitar is one of those souped up Hondas with a big nasty spoiler on it doing donuts. If you see a guy with a scimitar in a movie he’s probably going to do a frontflip in the middle of the battle like an absolute freak.

Bastard Sword

Soren Niedzilla

OK, so a bastard sword is basically just a slightly longer longsword with the ability to be two-handed, which is medium metal, but you know it has to be jumped up because of the name. This is a list of which weapons are most metal, after all, so one that already sounds like the name of a dope stoner metal band obviously is going to rank highly. I would go to a Bastard Sword concert tomorrow without ever listening to a single song.

Mace

Met Museum

Violence and simplicity in equal parts. The man with a mace did not come to the battle to surrender. He has no strategy or reason. The word “tactics” makes him feel sick to his stomach. All he knows is that he has a big lump of metal on the end of the stick and he is going to hit people with it until they make him king.

Warhammer

Museum of the Warsaw Archdiocese

When the name of a weapon can launch a tabletop game empire, that’s a great start. A warhammer wielder is the evolved form of the mace man. He simply became annoyed at how many times he had to hit people with the little heavy thing before they went night-night, so he made it twice as heavy. A guy with a warhammer is the medieval equivalent of a dude with cauliflower ear: you do not f**k with that man if you value your life or skull.

Claymore

Soren Niedzilla

Hell yes to the Scottish warriors who were basically just like, “make my sword bigger until I can barely pick it up.” It’s like a medieval AWP from Counter-Strike. Sure, you might not be the quickest-moving guy on the battlefield, but if this hits any part of you, all of your blood is coming out. Give some guy with a long white beard one of these and watch him go absolute lawnmower mode on a horde of little freaky creatures.

Morningstar

Janez Novak

Answering the question, “What sucks more than getting brained with a huge heavy hunk of steel?” Getting brained with a huge heavy hunk of steel that some absolute madman has covered in spikes. The blacksmith asked, “Are you more of a blunt-force trauma guy or a laceration guy” and this warrior said “yes.” You can also throw this in with Bastard Sword on the list of bands I am mad I can’t already listen to.

Battleaxe

Pixabay

The absolute pinnacle of sick medieval weaponry. You’ve got absolutely every box checked. It’s massive, and probably has like gryphons and wolves and shit engraved on the sides. It is probably wielded by a dude that’s absolutely yoked, or possibly a minotaur. It is capable of turning someone into lots of someone pieces. If you feed the words “hell yeah” into an AI art generator, it will probably draw you a battleaxe.

Flail

Met Museum

Finally, we reach the mountaintop. And here we find the flail. This is the preferred weapon of someone who just wants to go absolutely buckwild on people. It’s barely even a good idea for a weapon, since it feels like there’s a one in three chance you knock your own head off every time you try to use it. Even the people in his own army probably don’t want to fight anywhere near the flail guy. Then, as if this thing wasn’t already just chaotic enough, you start tossing MORE chains on it? You simply have to respect the pure madness of the thing.

Did we forget any weapons? Are you a waify little elf fanboy that’s going to try to tell me that bows are actually cool and start talking about Legolas? Let us know in the comments!

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

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