It’s just about time to start picking out halloween costumes, so that there’ll be time for your ordered accessories to be pulled from a pile of asbestos somewhere overseas and dropshipped to your door. It’s a fun distraction from a spiraling world and an easy conversation topic for the next 2 weeks, discussing how you were THINKING about being Better Call Saul, but you couldn’t find a cheap enough suit, et cetera. However, for some couples, the annual selection and preparation of halloween costumes takes on the importance of a medium-size life event. Sweat, blood, and tears are shed in order to receive a half-genuine “oh, that’s great” upon entering their local halloween sock-hop.

Now, of course, we know that with the wealth of relationships throughout the world, some percentage of them are on their last legs. Even mathematically it wouldn’t make sense for a good chunk of them not to be on the rocks. But here I must emphatically implore you: do not try to save your failing relationship via a fun couples’ Halloween costume. I understand the impulse. It seems like a great way to inject some fun and flirtiness back into the husk of the love that once was. Maybe when you’re dressed as Gomez and Morticia Addams, you will recapture a bit of that excitement and pure sexual energy that long drained out of your relationship like fat off the front of a George Foreman grill.

Pexels

Why do YOU get to dress up as Jeffrey Dahmer while I have to be the refrigerator??

I am here to tell you this is folly. It is a mousetrap set with a vision of a step forward romantically. Because while a couples’ Halloween costume is fun, it is also a gauntlet built to create hairline fractures and amplify hostility. It is the emotional turmoil of a weekend getaway gone wrong manifested in itchy nylon. You are looking to release pressure and instead you are plugging the exhaust. 

Even worse, when this emotional water heater rockets through the roof, everyone else’s Halloween will be held hostage. No one wants to share a party with a sobbing genderbent Ted Lasso. Halloween is fun but at its base, massively volatile, like playing catch with a uranium rod. This is not the event you want to strap your future to while dressed as Baby Yoda and Sexy Mandalorian. Which, of course, should be called the Manda-horny-in.

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

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