15 Jokes For The Hall of Fame 9/28/22
15 brand new jokes have been shot with tranquilizer darts, bagged up, and placed within the walls of the Comedy Hall Of Fame. Please do not touch them as these are wild jokes and not meant to be in captivity.
“If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.”
“I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.”
“This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes ‘Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.’... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.”
“My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.”
Take a walk back in time with some vintage Carrot Top. Treat yourself, baby.
“Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? ‘Maybe I did kill them people.’”
“I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like ‘PO’. We couldn’t afford O R. That’s how Po we were… I remember nights we didn’t eat. We had sleep for dinner.”
“I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.”
“I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ‘Ain’t this a b*tch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthaf***ing heaven.’”
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'"
“I went to my doctor and told him, ‘My penis is burning.’ He said, ‘That means somebody is talking about it.’”
“Our son, his name is Gene. He was named Gene for my husband’s mother, Jean, was her name. And then we named him Attell for his middle name, after Dave Attell, the incredible comedian. Yes. He’s an old family friend of mine. And then my husband’s last name is Fischer. So anyway, we name our son, and then, about a month into being a new mom, not a vulnerable time at all, I realize that we have named our son Gene Attell. Genital. Genital Fissure… Anyone else ever f*ck up to that extent? Probably not. Probably not. So we immediately changed his middle name. I hope it’s better. We changed it to “Dingleberry.” Is that good? Will that do well in school?”
Nick Swardson on getting old and spending time with his 90-year-old grandma. “When i hang out with her I feel strong it’s great.”
“I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, ‘I don't believe it.’"
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Top Image: Netflix