4 Idiotic 'Game of Thrones' Book Moments (Thankfully Kept Off The Show)
George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series is undoubtedly one of the most notable pop culture achievements of our times, but it's also over 4,000 pages long (and counting ... presumably). It doesn't matter how talented you are: anyone who writes that many pages is gonna end up throwing in some dumb stuff here and there. We now present four such moments that HBO wisely stayed away from:
Characters Keep Pooping Themselves
One trip to s-town happens right after the epic moment when Daenerys flies on her dragon, Drogon, for the first time. In the show, they just soar majestically together while we wish HBO could have gotten the rights to "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, and then we cut to something else.
But in the books, we see the immediate aftermath of such an emotional scene: Dany pooping her guts out.
"Sunset found her squatting in the grass, groaning. Every stool was looser than the one before, and smelled fouler. By the time the moon came up she was sh*tting brown water."
Just when you think she's done, the poop waterfall keeps coming. It's hard not to imagine this scene with the comic timing of a Leslie Nielsen movie.
"The more she drank, the more she sh*t, but the more she sh*t, the thirstier she grew, and her thirst sent her crawling to the stream to suck up more water."
This isn't the only surprisingly poop-centric moment in the saga. Remember when Tyrion kills his dad while he was on the toilet?
The show, despite its reputation, spared us the nastier details: of course, Tywin pooped himself upon dying, and Tyrion just stood there, taking it alllllllll in.
"Tywin is astounded, and Tyrion asks him to do him a favor and die quickly.
For once, his father did what Tyrion asked him. The proof was the sudden stench, as his bowels loosened in the moment of death. Well, he was in the right place for it, Tyrion thought."
Okay, we can see why HBO omitted Tywin's violent death poops, but unfortunately, this also meant leaving out a fan favorite line:
"But the stink that filled the privy gave ample evidence that the oft-repeated jape about his father was just another lie.
Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, sh*t gold."
There's also the scene where Dany's champion, Strong Belwas, kills a guy and takes a huge dump next to his corpse, which makes his victory extra impressive because it means he was holding that in the whole time. Skip to 2:03 in the video below for a beat-by-beat breakdown of that heroic moment:
Another time, the author describes a boat's misfortunes during a storm as such:
"The ship groaned and growled beneath him like a constipated fat man straining to sh*t."
If we didn't know that Martin writes on an ancient DOS computer, we'd start getting the impression he types up these books exclusively while on the can.
Dear Lord, The Sex Scenes
Listen, in George R.R. Martin's defense, a lot of the sex scenes in his books are meant to be ridiculous. His characters are considerably younger than in the show (Dany is 13 at the start, Jon is 14, etc.) so most of them have no clue what they're doing during those moments. That doesn't change the fact that we're glad nobody was forced to recite quotes like the following (which, again, is said about a teenager):
"The three men were erect. The sight of their arousal was arousing, though Daenerys Targaryen found it comical as well."
But the adult characters get some regrettable lines too, like when Cersei thinks of her hated husband, who apparently has very poor aim:
"Ten thousand of your children perished in my palm, Your Grace. Whilst you slept, I would lick your sons off my face and fingers one by one, all pale sticky princes."
In a more enjoyable scene for Cersei, where she has sex with a woman from Myr, Martin becomes the first person in the history of the English language to use the following term for "vagina":
"The queen slid a finger into that Myrish swamp, then another, moving them in and out ..."
Similarly, we'd be surprised if anyone else had used this term for "penis" (from a scene involving Sam, Gilly, and a disturbing amount of breast milk):
"And suddenly his c*ck was out, jutting upward from his breeches like a fat pink mast."
Another scene describes the female orgasm like so:
"She was sopping wet when he entered her. "Damn you," she said. "Damn you damn you damn you." He sucked her nipples till she cried out half in pain and half in pleasure. Her c*nt became the world."
And so on. If you edited the five existing novels down to just the sex scenes, it would look a lot like some erotic fanfic posted to LiveJournal in 2007. But let's be fair here: nothing we've mentioned so far is worse than the time one of the Game of Thrones writers apparently forgot they were writing for a TV show and not a Cardi B song.
A Guy Lets Some Wolves Go To Town On Him
Some people say Game of Thrones had too many sex scenes, but hey: at least it was all between humans. The books go further than that through characters like Varamyr, a Warg who likes going into wolves ... and then letting wolves go into him.
"The warg would become a true wolf. Which, though? Not Sly. Haggon would have called it abomination, but Varamyr had often slipped inside her skin as she was being mounted by One Eye. He did not want to spend his new life as a bitch, though, not unless he had no other choice. Stalker might suit him better, the younger male … though One Eye was larger and fiercer, and it was One Eye who took Sly whenever she went into heat."
Warner Bros. Television Distribution
And he's not the only Skinchanger (the term for people who possess any type of animal) who's into that stuff. Elsewhere, we meet Alysane Mormont, also known as the She-Bear, who reveals that when you get pregnant in animal form, the child carries over to the human body, apparently.
"No. My children were fathered by a bear." Alysane smiled. Her teeth were crooked, but there was something ingratiating about that smile. "Mormont women are skinchangers. We turn into bears and find mates in the woods. Everyone knows."
Some fans believe the father of Alysane's children is actually Tormund, based on his story about drunkenly making sweet love to a bear one night, which made it into the show, albeit in truncated form.
Ironically, the most monstrous instance of bestiality in the books doesn't involve magical man/animal creatures. In the show, Sansa is forced to marry the literal and figurative bastard Ramsay Bolton, but in the books, it's her best friend Jeyne, whom Ramsey horrifically forces to perform sex acts with one of his slaves ... and possibly his dog. Okay, let's move on to something completely unrelated to sex now ...
Darkstar (AKA, Dorkstar)
George R.R. Martin has expressed some confusion about the fact that his readers don't think his character Gerold "The Darkstar" Dayne is a badass, even though he specifically told us he was a badass. Other characters describe him as "the most dangerous man in Dorne" AND the "handsomest" too. And he knows it:
"I was weaned on venom, Dalt. Any viper takes a bite of me will rue it."
His most famous line reads like Martin auditioning to write a Batman comic:
"Men call me Darkstar, and I am of the night."
Other characters constantly tell us how deadly Darkstar is, to the point that even the Knightsguard should pull a Dany and soil their pants upon seeing him.
"By tradition the Kingsguard were the finest knights in all the Seven Kingdoms ... but Darkstar was Darkstar."
But, despite appearing two novels ago, the big dork hasn't really done much to earn that. Aside from all the badass talk, pretty much his only contribution to the plot so far has been trying to kill a 10-year-old girl and only managing to scar her before running off.
"Arianne was almost afraid to ask. "Myrcella. Is she…?”
"... dead? No, though Darkstar did his best. All eyes were on your white knight so no one seems quite certain just what happened, but it would appear that her horse shied away from his at the last instant, else he would have taken off the top of the girl’s skull. As it is, the slash opened her cheek down to the bone and sliced off her right ear."
Granted, cutting a little girl's ear off is more impressive than having a jetpack malfunction and falling straight into a giant butthole, but we'd still call him the Boba Fett of the A Song of Ice and Fire world. The show just left Dorne's Ultimate Badass out and most readers watching probably didn't notice.
Unless the next two books are just 3,000 pages of Darkstar kicking every single ass in the series, we doubt Martin will be able to rehabilitate Dorkstar's image. Maybe that's why he's taking so long?
Top image: Warner Bros. Television Distribution