15 Mitch Hedberg Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

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15 Mitch Hedberg Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

Mitch Hedberg, perhaps more than any comedian, is universally loved by anyone who hears his material. If you don't love him then you don't laugh. While he left us far too soon and would have had a massive career, his large catalogue of one-liners still stick around by word of mouth. Here are 15 jokes from my the coolest comic to ever deliver a one-liner.

Mitch On Children’s Books

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Just For Laughs

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.”

Mitch On Belts

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Comedy Central

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?"

Mitch On Frozen Bananas

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ‘No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’”

Mitch On Smokey The Bear

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Conaco

“In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. I think that's a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog.’ I would never say "Here comes that frog" in a horrifying manner. It's always, like, optimistic. Like, ‘Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to.’”

Mitch On His Paper Route

“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters.”

Mitch On Girlfriends

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Global

“I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

Mitch On Pictures

“One time a guy handed me a picture, he said ‘Here's a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture of you is when you were younger.”

Mitch On Dreaming

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Just For Laughs

“I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.”

Mitch On Joke Writing

“I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

Mitch On Travel

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Conaco

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.“

Mitch On Rice

“I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.”

Mitch On Dr. Scholl

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Comedy Central

“Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f*cker wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl.”

Mitch On Slip Covers

“This one commercial said ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers,’ so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn't know what the f*ck they were.”

Mitch On Pringles’

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Worldwide pants

“I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, ‘F*ck it, cut 'em up.’”

Mitch On Above-Ground Pools

Mitch Hedberg Stand Up

Conaco

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool.”

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