Life is hard. That’s a universal truth. Sometimes, we need some help from the other people in our life when we’re not sure what to do. A chat with a trusted and close friend can be hugely helpful. On the other hand, if you want to leave your fate entirely in the hands of a group of anonymous internet posters, you can take to one of Reddit’s many advice subreddits. After all, who better to give advice than someone who is constantly scrolling through other people’s problems online?

Well, if someone wants some advice from an extremely online and questionably trustworthy source, why not throw my own hat in the ring? After all, who wouldn’t want to take life advice from a clinically depressed, early 30s blog writer? I’m lookin’ down from the top of the mountain here, baby! Climb on up!

One such request for advice on r/Advice recently resonated with me: user smoshylumb8 asked, “What do I buy a baby who’s turning one years old for his birthday?” This is a tough question, as a gift seems to be expected, but babies famously have no idea what’s going on and just sort of fall over and vomit and stuff. Well, smoshylumb, you are in luck because I not only have ONE solution for you, but FIVE excellent options. 

A Pet Tortoise

Pixabay

The problem with buying gifts for a one year old is principally an issue of time. You’re buying a gift for a small human with absolutely no interests, and that, by the nature of aging, is almost guaranteed to grow only more useless as they age. But what if they have a pet… that ages along with them? Something that will be a part of their life for pretty much the entire thing, whether they like it or not? I’m talkin TORTOISES, baby!

Even the most well-intentioned gifts, regardless of age, often only serve the recipient for at most a decade of their life. The lifespan of a Sulcata Tortoise, on the other hand, is expected to be a MINIMUM of 70 years, longer with good care! Those dumb rattles and onesies will be long relegated to a Goodwill or a landfill, while that baby you knew? Well, now it’s a full-blown elderly person, and that tortoise you bought them 70 years ago is right there with them, gnawing on some lettuce.

A Large Ball Of Pure Gold

Pixabay

Again, a gift that a baby will enjoy, but that will hold value better than any cardboard book they’ll teeth on the corners of. First of all, it’s a ball. Babies love balls! It makes sense, considering they came out of some. A second thing babies love? Shiny things. After all, the most focused you ever see a baby is when one is determined to put an entire ring of house keys into its tiny mouth. So, as a baby, this little tot now has a bright shiny ball (NOTE: Ball must be bigger than their throat! This is important for baby survival!) to play with and roll around, cover in spit, whatever.

But when the day is done, and the baby’s had its fun? Well, now that baby is an adult, who I am going to assume is in some sort of financial distress because that’s where the economy seems to be going regardless. When suddenly, they remember that they own a ball of pure, 24 karat gold. Not only is it easy to roll down to the pawn shop and hand over for cold, hard cash, but if the entire global economy has crashed during this baby’s formative years, it will have only INCREASED in value. Hell, even if things go full Mad Max, everybody wants gold.

A Sword In A Stone

Pixabay

This gift isn’t quite as much fun for the baby, admittedly. It’s more of an aspirational gift. Really, you’re giving a child that thing that every child wants, down in the deepest ventricles of their little hearts: a role in a great prophecy. Every year on their birthday, they can attempt to remove the sword from the stone, and every year they will fail. You’ll pat them on the head, and softly say, “perhaps next year, my little liege.” 

Until finally, one day, their muscles will have developed enough to finally loose the blade from its rocky prison, and that day will be celebrated for years to come. A tapestry will be woven of the occasion, and mead and mutton will be shared amongst the revelers. Plus, now, instead of having a sword in a stone, they have a sword AND a stone. Double gift alert!

A Very Small House

Pixabay

As the saying goes, the greatest gift is independence. With that in mind, why not start them early? Have a small, baby sized house installed in the yard of their parents’ house, where the baby can live.

You might be saying, “you mean like a dollhouse?” If you’re even more spiteful, you might say “that kind of sounds like making a baby live in a shed.” NO! Would a dollhouse or a shed have running water? A tasteful but tiny mid-century modern sofa? An adorable little four-poster bed? Would you register a dollhouse as a legal residence for the baby to receive little baby junk mail from a little baby politician they made a little baby donation to once like 2 years ago? I rest my case.

A Coffin (FOR LATER!)

Pixabay

First off, NOT a baby coffin. Jesus christ, that would be dark! An adult coffin, for when they die later, as an old man. Even at the beginning of life, the thoughtful mind will benefit from what the Romans referred to as memento mori–the knowledge and reflection that one day, you will be dead. As Leo Tolstoy once wrote, “If we kept in mind that we will soon inevitably die, our lives would be completely different. If a person knows that he will die in a half hour, he certainly will not bother doing trivial, stupid, or, especially, bad things during this half hour. Perhaps you have half a century before you die-what makes this any different from a half hour?” Something to keep in mind, lil' guy or gal!

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

 

Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!

Forgot Password?