Dear Hasim Rahman Jr., Please KO Jake Paul
Unfortunately, even as our world is currently going through a number of novel and devastating trials and tribulations, we get no respite from the usual mildly obnoxious bull****. The latest goings-on to make everyone collectively ask, “Do we really need to do this right now?” is yet another Jake Paul boxing match slash circus act. Jake Paul, a living, screaming haircut who seems to have convinced himself that a world in which he basically won the lottery is out to get him, is getting back in the ring. This time, his opponent is Hasim Rahman, Jr., son of heavyweight champion Hasim Rahman.
It’s somewhat notable, given that Hasim Rahman Jr. may be the first actual professional boxer that Jake Paul has fought. His fights so far have been mostly against celebrity amateurs or ex-MMA fighters, and each has ended in disappointment, not only for his challengers, but for every American citizen who isn’t the most toxic squeaker in the Xbox party chat. Rahman Jr., on the other hand, has a 12-1 professional record. Which means he may be the hero we finally need to knock out Jake Paul.
You see, even before entering the world of “competitive” boxing, Jake Paul’s whole identity has been someone whose general behavior demanded someone hit him. The guy is an absolute purebred asshole, as if he was a man created to take top marks at the Westminster Dickhead Show. In a begrudgingly shrewd business move, he figured out a way to further capitalize, to great gains, just how incredibly punchable his face is. He then found some opponents who are eminently beatable, but JUST enough of boxers to make these bouts not feel fully like the kind of “boxing” that goes on in a frat's front yard during a drunken tailgate.
I, and I think many more, are hoping bringing in an actual professional boxer can serve as Paul’s Icarus moment, if Icarus had thousands of people cheering for his wings to melt. Mr. Rahman, whether you want to be or not, you are effectively the People’s Champ. Take advantage of Jake Paul’s love for strange wagers to get him to agree to Stop Posting for a year if he loses, KO him, and I will send you a bottle of champagne myself. Carry the annoyance of a nation in your fists. The nation deserves this catharsis.