‘Stranger Things:’ Who We’d Team Up With (Dungeons & Dragons Style)
You could argue that picking a team-up partner from Netflix’s popular TV show where Russians are caricatures and the kids look like they’re paying off mortgages is like closing your eyes, rolling that D&D dice, and hoping for the best. It’s chaos, is what we’re saying, but if we had to pick a character(s) to Scooby-Doo it out with in the town of Hawkins that has its own man-made IT monster, here’s how we’d rank the pickings. The D&D gods help us all.
Warning: Spoilers ahead.
Dmitri Antonov /Enzo
The Russian prison guard turned Jim Hopper ally might make for one helluva dodgy partner — as far as loyalty go, he’d easily sell his own for the right amount of American dollars. Still, the man gets the job done. Great with persuading fellow Russians to aid a couple of lost Americans. English not too bad, either.
Well, well, well. Will’s big brother sure has gone on one strange journey — from bullied stalker guy, to stalker guy who actually gets the girl, to … lost stoner guy, apparently. We get that he’s trying to figure out what to do with his life and whatnot, but Jonathan in season four is a far cry from the one many people were rooting for back when Steve was the biggest prick of the show. And sure, his moment with his little bro was sweet, but arguably too late since Will clearly could’ve done with all that support sooner, Jonathan.
Anyway, the point is that he really didn’t contribute much to anything in the last season, and we’d probably have to do all the heavy lifting while his sorry ass is getting high in some hippie van somewhere.
Jim Hopper & Joyce Byers
Oh, brother. Getting stuck with these two would be like force-watching a bad rom-com that was made for your parents and also stars your parents and frankly belongs in an entirely different show, in an entirely different genre. Do we want these two to end up together? Sure. Do we need to see it all play out? Surely not.
Credit for their individual endurance or whatever — and we did appreciate Hopper’s killer sword skills in the season four finale — but we’d rather pick a Kate Bush cassette tape to help us fight the evils of the Upside Down than lovesick Team HopJoy.
Oh, Max. While she’s a character favorite, she’s been put through the ringer and reduced to the show’s sacrificial lamb (and Kate Bush’s best marketing channel in years). We’re positive that the feisty Max will make it through all those horrible injuries she sustained at the hands of Vecna, but at this point, she’s not strong enough for a fight. Still, we’d rather team up with Coma Max than Team HopJoy.
Listen, this new character surprised us during season four’s finale, for Jonathan’s stoner buddy turned out to be quite useful — what with secretly being a good tracker, and coming up with that Pizza Dough Fridge idea for Eleven’s “mind walk.” It’s the type of creativity we can get on board with. It’s also great having a guy on your team who will make you pizza while you prepare to fight evil monsters (even though there’s pineapple on it).
Yes, she might be miles away and dealing with all of that going on in her house — seriously, a Suzie spin-off sounds pretty swell — but this clued-up girl knows what’s what, and she doesn’t scare easily, either. Not only is she whip smart, but she can save the world and find the time to sing a song over a ham radio at the same time. That is some next-level nerd points right there.
He’s the glue … we think. And without him there probably won’t be a show … we guess. It’s kind of hard to place Mike right now, because while the series tries to balance him between being the leader of his (splintered) friend group and Eleven’s one-and-only, he’s sort of just … there. His only real action is to go after and save Eleven from Evil Lab People. Only, he doesn’t — she escapes herself. He does, however, pull El through the fight with Vecna, but only because Will encourages him to do it.
So, uh, yeah. We’ll pick Mike, for … reasons.
The show’s superhero character would be way higher on this list if she had all her ducks in a row, which she does not at this point. It’s also a fact that her mere presence creates the chaos to begin with, so having her around will inevitably attract all the Demogorgons and Demobats and Demowhatevs this world can conjure up. She does have some unique powers, at least, and she’s pretty hardcore with a rollerskate.
Yes, Lucas Sinclair briefly lost his way because that is what happens when you make your high school’s basketball team. The seduction of jock fame didn’t last long, though, because Lucas doesn’t only have heart, he has a solid compass, too. And while he couldn’t really do much for Max in the end, he never left her side. Yes, yes we’re totally Team LuMax.
If it wasn’t for Will telling slow Mike to man up and support his woman, Eleven might not have made it through the fight with Vecna. If it wasn’t for Will being vulnerable in front of his brother, Jonathan might still be floating around all spaced out and unable to have a real conversation with anyone. The kid is more valuable than most on this list, and he also has that weird spidey sense thing going on whenever something from the Upside Down is near. Not a bad character to team up with. Probably needs a lot of hugs, though.
Robin is one of those wild cards where you need some patience with her miles-an-hour brain, but at least you’ll know that you have luck on your side. Because Robin is chaos with a lot of luck. And she’s braver than everyone on this list — just look at that haircut.
She’s fiercely independent, logical and smart — it’s just unfortunate that she doesn't know what to do with a push door.
Who would’ve thought the jock jerk from the first season would have one of the best character arcs in the series? Real talk: We were pretty sure Steve was not going to make it through season four. But behold, the series’ best babysitter and, surprisingly, best wingman (to Robin) actually survived … and he made sure everyone who split and went with him survived, too. He might be the ultimate team player at this point. Color us surprised.
Yes, Erica for our team, each and every time. Here’s a girl who always knows what’s up, can solve a problem while everyone’s still standing around wondering who has the most hair between Robin and Steve, and will save your sorry behind as long as you can keep up with her yelling at you what to do. She’s also super entertaining, so you know it’s never going to be a dull (or quiet) moment.
Eddie Munson & Dustin Henderson
Three words: Most metal ever.
That is the best way to go out, by far. And sure, teaming up with these two means our chance of survival is 50/50, but honestly, that’s pretty metal, too.