In what can likely be looked upon as a lateral move at best, e-cigarettes, or vapes, have taken the nicotine-delivery world by storm over the past couple years, finally putting up some fight against traditional cigarettes. Unfortunately, the rise of vaping seemed to come at just the time that decades of anti-cigarette youth education started to kick in, providing a shiny new chemical dependency for the kids who would have been ripping through ill-gotten Marlboros beneath the school bleachers in the past. It turns out, to fight a hugely profitable industry that is a negative to public health, you need ANOTHER hugely profitable industry that’s a negative to public health.

So, to save our children’s delicate lungs from inhaling anything but the normal amount of smog and pollution, lawmakers have begun to take on the vape industry. One of the most notable changes they’ve made is to ban “flavored” vape cartridges and devices that might be more appealing to children. This goes from flavors like “Fruit Loops” and “Mango” which… yeah, I’ll follow you there, to more general classic cigarette flavors like “Menthol”. I’m not sure what teenagers are fiending for the chemical zing of mentholation, but we’ll let it slide. It’s hard to argue against the purpose and effectiveness of these changes, but it also means that even mature adults capable of choosing their own future manner of organ failure are left with nothing but disgusting ersatz tobacco that tastes less like a cigarette and more like a cup of tea made with blunt wraps.

With that in mind, I think we can find a solution: adult vape flavors that are in no way targeted to children. Here are ten suggestions:

Plain Oatmeal

Pixabay

Okay, now take the blueberries off and you're there.

The breakfast of choice for watching your dreams sail out of reach. Nothing but the purest, completely untainted oats, rolled or steel-cut, whichever you pretend is better. The borderline medicinal glop that you wash down with a single spoon and bowl that you wash the next morning, only to refill with a bounty of hydrated starch. This is what food would taste like in black and white.

Unflavored Seltzer

Pixabay

The closest to nothing you can taste!

Is it possible to make a flavor that is, by definition, the lack of flavor? I’ll leave that to the philosophers. But if there’s a way for those vape scientists to isolate and bottle the distinct tang of Almost Just Water, I can guarantee it would be a best-seller of the 30+ market in New York City. Just the gentlest hint of the machinery used to carbonate the water, mixed with the slight plastic body caused by sitting in a one-liter bottle in the back of a grocery store… magnifique.

Black Coffee

Pixabay

When you need a drink to "just get through this": black coffee.

Let’s get one thing straight here. This is not “Mocha.” This is not the coffee flavor you might know from coffee flavored ice cream, or the scant couple ounces of espresso hidden at the bottom of a syruped and creamed Starbucks drink. This is roadside diner, truck stop, Waffle House before the graveyard shift, glass carafe with a black plastic pour-spout, capital C coffee. This isn’t your Saturday cup to be enjoyed. This is “We got held up on the bridge and both my kids’ iPad batteries are dead but the hotel is only 2 hours away and if I can just make it there, God, I will never ask for anything again” coffee.

Burned Dinner

Pixabay

“How hard could fish be, it's just meat from the sea," you thought.

You spent over an hour preparing dinner at the end of a long day and you’re starving. Unfortunately, you once again got too wrapped up in the resolution of a CBS procedural, and forgot to take that rice off the stove, or those potatoes out of the oven. Now, you’re standing above what could nicely be described as “crispy” cuisine, doing mental bargaining you know will result in the same outcome: you’re going to eat that burned dinner. It’s 8 pm, there’s zero way you’re chopping more potatoes, if you even had them. You’re gonna cover those suckers in ketchup or hot sauce and crunch your way through out of a pure need for sustenance.

Clif Bar Eaten While Late To Work

Pixabay

“Maybe my boss has adult diphteria! Then I'm free as a bird!”

You’re late to work, and it would betray a serious lack of remorse to show up late WITH a muffin. There’s only one clear solution here. It’s time to reach into that dusty, half-full box of Clif Bars that you bought when you were going to start taking boxing classes in the morning. You ate one the day of the first class, threw it up in the parking lot outside after doing cardio for the first time since high school, and ate the other missing bars in situations exactly like this one. Now, you’re gripping your steering wheel/public transit handrail with one hand, and feeding the rest of this Clif Bar into your shameful little mouth with the other. You of course, have no drink with you either, so it’s immediately turning to mortar attempting to lock your teeth together permanently. But this is your penance. You deserve this.

Chewable Low-Dose Aspirin

Pixabay

The official low-dose aspirin of Brett Favre!

Is this food? In some sense, perhaps. But what it definitely is, is a proven medical preventative to the sort of heart-stopping, family-line-ending massive cardiac event that you are now at a relevant age for. Unfortunately, you’re now at an age where you’re entering the demographic of those late-night medication commercials featuring a white-haired NFL ex-quarterback. If you’re vaping, at least you can hedge your bet a little bit with Juul’s new Bayer Breeze flavor.

Fish Oil

Pixabay

Pretty soon you're going to need a 7-day vape cartridge organizer.

This isn’t even a flavor. This is just a Juul pod straight up filled with fish oil. How it gets from your lungs to your joints is your body’s problem, but maybe if you rocket your way through enough of these pods, your knee will stop hurting when rain’s a-comin.

Post-Nasal Drip

Jeffmaname/Mahdy Foaud

The breakfast of champions!

The game-changing union of the cause of two adult coughs: nicotine addiction and sinus problems. Whether it’s hay fever, a dust allergy, or just lingering effects of an unrepaired broken nose from college, one thing’s for sure: you’re going to feel like you’re waking up with a small swamp in the back of your throat. You can buy a $500 air purifier off Instagram or start taking over-the-counter Claritin like it’s a prescribed anti-depressant, but this is a taste that any discerning adult will find comfort in.

Juul Pod

Pixabay

Mmm! Tastes Juuly!

Juul pods are not for teenagers. Therefore, a juul-pod flavored Juul pod will be something teenagers don’t like, right? If they need a flavor in order to be able to get through a vape cartridge, if that vape cartridge is flavored like vape cartridge it will be doubly disgusting, yes? Only sad adults with a nicotine addiction that rivals an oxygen need will struggle through a double-dose, mobius strip of nicotine flavor. Possible tagline: “A Thousand Juul Pods Folding In On Themselves Forever Into Time: The Taste Of Infinity.”

Voting

Pixabay

Pull in a big old lungful of civic duty.

This is an interesting flavor because it’s actually TWO flavors. Both of them aren’t really what you want, but you gotta buy one, don’t you? Every puff you take, you just have to quietly reassure yourself that at least you didn’t buy that OTHER flavor. You just have to be careful, if you vape too much of either one you end up sharing the worst memes anyone has ever seen.

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

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