Supreme Court Denies Appeal Of Rich Gun Dummies

As an overstuffed court system chews its way through cases, we’ve now begun to get to the point where the legal chickens of various idiots from the last few years have come home to roost. Unfortunately, along with legal consequences, at least those that actually manage to stick, come unwanted reminders and updates of some of the biggest assholes in public consciousness. We’re forced to recall the existence of people like the QAnon shaman, who I think most would prefer existed purely as a groan-worthy bar trivia question going into the future.

The latest featured court stars to evoke a collective groan by re-entering the news are the McCloskeys. Thankfully for them, not many people may remember the Missouri couple by name, but the cursed memories will come flooding back as soon as you see a picture of them. They are, of course, the couple who decided, during the racial justice protests of 2020, to go full Tower Defense on their ugly Missouri mansion. Yeah, they were those dickheads. The ones that pictures circulated of, dressed in bad yachtwear, clutching an assault rifle and pistol in ways that they probably thought looked badass but telegraphed more of an air of abject, piss-soaked fear. The pistol-toting ur-Karen in a black-and-white horizontally striped shirt, dressed like some sort of nationalist Hamburglar, and her short king husband, dressed like he’s about to compete in Nantucket’s premiere clogging competition.

As racial justice marches resulting from the deaths of unarmed black citizens at the hands of police passed down their street, they took to their front patio, looking like the mannequins for a new Brooks Brothers x Oathkeepers spring collection. Concerned that the protesters were going to trim their topiaries into rude shapes or deface their fountains, they decided that the only thing standing between them and the great, unforgivable sin of Property Damage, was an AR-15 style assault rifle. After probably reaming out the help for moving their bullets while cleaning, they locked and loaded and lurched out to the sidewalk, ready to drop as many casings as necessary on their marble walkway.

Well, it turned out that the couple were both lawyers. Their original trial and ruling was a while back, but, as you might predict that people who are both lawyers and absolutely intolerable would, they’ve spent a massive amount of time fighting that ruling and appealing the decision repeatedly. Appealing it so many times, that the recent news comes from, and I say this with no lack of mental anguish, the United States Supreme Court. Yes, that one. Small solace does come from the fact that the news is that the Supreme Court has declined to hear their appeal. On one hand, that’s not surprising. The Supreme Court hears very few cases, and usually chooses ones with huge, impactful, and devastating results. On the other hand, we’re talking about the CURRENT Supreme Court, one that you’d think might find a grim entertainment in getting to set a precedent on the last couple years’ bulls**t while stroking their chins and repeating the word “originality.” Plus, it’s in some ways a Second Amendment case, which you would think would have them tenting their robes.

But even the vague hope of a come-uppance is nowhere to be found here. They weren’t appealing to the U.S. Supreme Court to avoid jail time, or any genuine, life-altering punishment. It’s not to avoid the misdemeanor charges they actually received for their little gun show, because those charges were already pardoned by Republican Governor Mike Parsons, because pardons are basically political poker chips at this point. No, the reason that they wanted the attention and time of the highest court in the land was to revoke a one-year probation period placed on their law licenses. Yes, probation. You know, that thing people usually cry tears of joy when they receive? The one that evokes hugs and slaps on the back of a defense lawyer?

This probation period doesn’t even mean they have to STOP practicing law. I guess they just have to practice law… more lawfully? Look, I’m not going to law school just to understand why these two goblins are so mad about this. The important thing to know is that their law licenses are safe and sound, as long as they don’t storm their lawn again, I assume. They’re also going to be required to provide 100 hours of free legal service, and these two do seem like the type for whom the prospect of unbilled hours would cause them to turn their arsenal on themselves.

I think it’s pretty fair to say that as a punishment for pointing assault rifles at people, that’s not much more than a slap on the wrist, but of course, for these folks, this was a matter of principle: if consequences applied to them, rich white people, where would the madness stop? This was not a case of them and the world’s lightest legal spank, no. This was a ruling that would do no less than erode away at the very foundation of the broken and skewed justice system of the United States!

Even with this ruling, they attempted to get one last shot in. This was when they then said, ok, sure thing, we’ll provide 100 hours of free legal service… to Project Veritas, which, if you’re unaware, is a ham-handed hidden camera show masquerading as an activist group. It’s basically guys with a bad undercut going to protests and labor gatherings and recording footage of people reacting to “trick questions” crafted with the nuance of a 6th grade science fair project. This then all gets uploaded to YouTube to radicalize 13-year-olds via the Recommended Videos tab next to the notes on the latest Fortnite patch.

It’s a blessing, at least, that there’s no higher court for them to appeal to. They’ll now have to stew in their mansion over the prospect of a judge saying no to them. But I’m sure we’ll hear more about them in a couple months, when they set up an autograph booth at a gun show, like they’re a guest star on Conservative Star Trek. Just kidding! The husband is now running for one of Missouri’s Senate seats. Universe heat death can’t come soon enough.

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