15 Of The Toothiest Kills In ‘Jurassic Park,’ Power Ranked
It’s Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Dino Nerds Unite! week here at Cracked, so we’re digging up our “Clever Girl” nostalgia hats and taking a trip down memory lane while listening to the classics, and by classics, we're referring to the “Greatest Hits of Death By Dino, Suckers!” This is who we truly are, and with so many gruesome, over-the-top chomping deaths in the franchise, it's only natural and also inevitable that we will be power ranking them. Right now, today ...
Jophery Brown, Jurassic Park
It’s the guy who goes first in the opening scene of the very first movie back in 1993. You probably couldn’t even remember his name, could you? Don’t worry, we couldn’t either, and shame on all of us because ranger and gatekeeper Jophery Brown’s death wasn’t only epic but also immediately made us all terrified of the monster inside that box.
Power Ranking: One Dino bite and Jophery’s mom saying, “I told you so.”
Dieter Stark, The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Hey, remember that time Peter Stormare got eaten by a bunch of small Compy dinosaurs in a Jurassic Park film? God, movies are fun. The Lost World (1997) was the second film of the franchise, and while it isn’t considered most people's favorite, it did at least feature some wild kills. Like this one:
Power ranking: 1000 razor-sharp Compy bites and one crying Swede.
The Villain Gets Torn Apart In Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Do we want to talk about the 2018 franchise entry that decided not only to show us the dinosaurs’ demise by volcanic eruption but also totally milk said moment by making the dinosaurs sound like they’re freaking crying? No. No, we really don't want to talk about it.
Do we want to talk about the hilarious death of main villain Eli Mills, the guy who first gets bitten by Rexie, screaming while our favorite T-Rex chomps down on his weak little body before a Carnotaurus comes along to help tear the poor bastard apart, only to spit out his legs for the Compys to pick at? Yes, that is the jam. That is the OTT we’ve come to expect from a franchise that decided they’re also going to clone people now.
Power ranking: A dozen Rexie chomps and a Dino kick into a spitting volcano.
The Opening Scene Of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
An opening scene is so important, and say what you will about Fallen Kingdom (it sucks seared Dino balls), but it’s got a rad intro sequence, what with those divers in that disappearing pod all the way to the guy on the chopper ladder who thought he was going to make it.
Power ranking: The force of a T-Rex and a Mosasaurus combined. Also, half a dozen useless mercenaries, we guess.
Vic In Jurassic World
Vincent D’Onofrio did what he does best and played the heck out of bad guy Vic who doesn’t see dinosaurs as animals but only as weapons to be used by men in war. Naturally, this is what happens to a guy like that in a movie like Jurassic World:
Power ranking: One Blue, who apparently carries the strength and smarts of a country's entire military.
Udesky, Jurassic Park III
The franchise’s third installment came in 2001 and did slightly better than the second film but probably only because Sam Neill was back to play the constantly exasperated Alan Grant, tricked this time to yet again survive an island filled with dinosaurs made from frog eggs or whatever. It was during the scene where Udesky gets a spinal tap from a velociraptor that we really got to see these wily Dino raptors in action.
Power ranking: One killer raptor claw and the horrifying stare of William H. Macy’s mustache.
The Hunter Gets It In Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Ken Wheatley — the “great white hunter” who collects Dino teeth by straight-up pulling them from incapacitated dinosaurs — is left looking absolutely pathetic as the Indoraptor tortures him in his final living moments.
Power ranking: One torturous Indoraptor death and the haunting of every Dino ghost he ever stole a tooth from. Also, you guys … Dino ghosts.
Cooper Doesn’t Make His Flight In Jurassic Park III
It seems mercenaries don’t last long in the world of dinosaurs.
So close, Coop.
Power ranking: One Spinosaurus chomp and that feeling of being abandoned by Michael Jeter and his equally terrifying mustache (see Udesky's death).
Eddie Carr, The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Pour one out for one of the “good guys” who became not only the first person to be torn apart by two dinosaurs but two T-Rexes, no less.
Power ranking: The wrath of every Dino Mom whose baby got taken away from them. So, you know, the power of a thousand universes.
”Clever Girl,” Jurassic Park
Game warden Robert Muldoon at least had some mad respect for the fascinating velociraptors.
Power ranking: Don’t make us say it again. You know.
The Surfer, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Sure, we don’t see Mosasaurus bite down on a surfer snack, but we know it happens. We know that surfer dude is floating ocean Dino poop now.
Power ranking: One Mosasaurus riding the tube, bro.
The Goat, Jurassic Park
Take off your hats and let us all have a moment of silence for the goat, who served only as bait so the humans could see their giant Dino toy monster nice and up close.
So that we could have the entirety of this epic and glorious scene forever etched into our head jelly:
Power ranking: The whispers of a hundred thousand Jurassic Park fans going, “Thank you, goat.”
Lawyer Man On Toilet, Jurassic Park
Since we’re speaking of that scene, and since this is the next incredible thing that happens in that glorious film sequence: One of the GOAT kills (ha) in the franchise.
Also, Lawyer Man’s name was Donald Gennaro, if anyone even gives a crap.
Power ranking: One Rexie death chomp and a hundred thousand Jurassic Park fans farting simultaneously.
Dennis Nedry, Jurassic Park
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that most of the Top 5 deaths are from the first, far superior film in the franchise. Of all the deaths, none were more satisfying than that of O.G. troll Dennis Nedry getting wrecked by a young Dilophosaurus. We don’t even care that the movie doesn’t portray the Dilophosaurus correctly. Spit that acid, you good Dino boy.
Power ranking: The combined power of all of Isla Nublar. Also, the acid spit of one Jurassic Park-style Dilophosaurus.
Zara Young, Jurassic World
Did Zara deserve to first be scooped up by a Pterosaur before being dropped into the water, pecked at by those Dino birds some more, only to finally be swallowed whole by a Mosasaurus? No, the poor British PA who was already stressed out after losing her (ugh) boss Claire’s (ugh) little nephews did not deserve the worst death of the franchise.
She did, however, deserve the best death of the franchise.
Power ranking: A lagoon filled with fish dinos, bird dinos, and the screams of the British.
Thumbnail: Universal Pictures