Celebrities attract all kinds of unwell people who occasionally decide they’d like them better dead, but some go beyond the “everyday stalker” pale. They spend a long time plotting detailed murder schemes, for reasons ranging from political dissention to dating someone they think is wrong for them. Fortunately, these attempts often fail, sometimes hilariously.

Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol in 1973

(Jack Mitchell/Wikimedia Commons)

Probably the most famous attempted celebrity assassination was the June 3, 1968 shooting of Andy Warhol by writer Valerie Solanas, who suspected Warhol of stealing her manuscript and later suffered the further indignity of being played by Lena Dunham. She served a few years for assault and died 20 years later, the year after Warhol, having apparently survived just long enough to see the job done.

Bob Marley

In 1976, Bob Marley played a concert in Jamaica, which should have been the least controversial thing for Bob Marley to do, except the concert was held by Prime Minister Michael Manley, who convinced Marley the show would be a “non-political event” and then changed the date of the upcoming election to coincide so closely that it looked like Marley was playing a Manley rally. The guy who just wanted to do some jammin’ immediately started receiving death threats from the opposition and then death actions from three gunmen who invaded his home two days before the concert. Marley survived only to be killed five years later, as we all know, by the CIA for vague CIA-y reasons.

Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan in Hong Kong

(U.S. Navy/Wikimedia Commons)

When you think of organized crime, you probably don’t think of Jackie Chan, but just before he came to the United States, he claims director Lo Wei hired Chinese gangsters to intimidate him. After Chan says they “opened fire at once got off” the airplane, he started packing heat and had to use it when they later “surrounded him with knives at a Hong Kong restaurant.” In fact, he says, he “confronted them with two guns and six grenades.” It might sound implausible that 20 gangsters with knives could assault a famous actor in public without that being a way bigger story, but are you really going to question Jackie Chan?

Russell Crowe

You could probably reach the “frequent sitcom guest star” tier of celebrities who al-Qaeda might like to kidnap and kill before landing on Russell Crowe, but he insisted “something to do with some recording picked up by a French policewoman” led the FBI to believe he was part of a plot to take “iconographic Americans out of the picture as a sort of cultural destabilization plan.” Crowe isn’t even American, which is just one detail of this story that makes no sense, but the FBI confirmed the threat was genuine.

Frank Zappa

Zappa in 1971

(Herb Cohen Management/Wikimedia Commons)

Getting pushed offstage might not seem as scary as knives and guns, but after an audience member rushed the stage and shoved Zappa 15 feet down into the pit in 1971, he had to use a wheelchair for a year and suffered from back pain for the rest of his life. The attacker apparently snapped because his girlfriend told him she thought Zappa was cute, which seems like an issue that could have been better resolved with some diligent mustache growing.

Victoria Beckham

Victoria Beckham

(Darkness Blackheart/Wikimedia Commons)

Posh Spice has been the target of numerous death threats and kidnapping plots over the years, but being married to the hottest man in England will do that (there’s so few to go around). The scariest moment came when the dot of a red laser appeared on her chest during rehearsals for the 2000 Brit Awards and security found a fire escape door wedged open near its origin point. They apparently didn’t try it again, so maybe they just mistook her for a cat.

50 Cent

50 Cent

(Keith Hinkle/Wikimedia Commons)

50 Cent is so powerful that people have been plotting his death since before he was even famous. In 2000, he was shot nine times by a rival drug dealer, which might have been a blessing because 50 was safely recuperating by the time the alleged assassin was himself killed a few weeks later and Mike Tyson was accused of ordering a hit on members of the gang suspected of doing it. Bet you didn’t think Tyson was showing up here.

Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger in 1975

(Bert Verhoeff/Wikimedia Commons)

After he blamed them for Altamont, the Hell’s Angels rolled up to Jagger’s house from the sea like leathery pirates, armed and ready to prove him right. They apparently gave up after a storm nearly sank their boat, providing them time to reflect on whether they were, in fact, the baddies, so Jagger owes his entire post-’60s career to the subpar seafaring skills of motorcycle gangs.

Top image: Jack Mitchell/Wikimedia Commons

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