A plan to bribe one of Nasser's doctors went wrong when the English bagman got confused and accidentally left a parcel containing 20,000 pounds for the wrong Egyptian. A special cigarette package that fired poisonous darts was successfully tested on a sheep, but never used, presumably because MI6 realized that shooting a guy with a cigarette dart is basically as obvious but less deadly than shooting him with a gun.
Finally, MI6 thought, "Screw it. Nerve gas?" They wanted to try pumping lethal gas into the vents of Nasser's palace to kill everyone inside. Luckily, that plan was nixed by Eden, who wasn't enthusiastic about "war crimes business." Instead, Eden took a bunch of drinamyl (a lunatic combination of uppers and downers, sometimes called "purple hearts"), and hatched a bonkers plan to invade Egypt. It caused an international fiasco, blew up in his face, and destroyed his career, while making Nasser a hero to his people. In other words, almost the exact opposite of an assassination.
South Africa's Hit Squad Tried To Poison Their Enemies' Underwear
The Civil Cooperation Bureau (CCB) was the most blandly named death squad in Apartheid-era South Africa. While they were genuinely horrifying people, the CCB apparently overreached their own evil when they tried to expand from bombs and guns to biological weapons. For the life of them, these racist idiots could not figure out how to do poisons.
CCB agents attempted to kill Reverend Frank Chikane by breaking into his luggage and coating all his underwear with deadly poison. This failed, because the underpants were too small to hold enough poison. If they'd put it on his shirt or pants instead, he almost certainly would have died. Still, they got a bunch of poison on a guy's dick, and then found out it wasn't big enough to be lethal.
Meraj Chhaya/Wiki CommonsThat's gotta hurt your pride. CCB gets half points.
After the underwear scheme, the CCB made an attempt to replace a lawyer's heart meds with poison, but failed because the man they hired to do it ripped them off and threw the poison away. It's almost as if you can't even trust guys who claim to be willing to murder people for money!
But probably the most stupidly elaborate plan was their "Bulgarian Umbrella" -- an umbrella that shot poisoned bullets, and served both functions as poorly as you'd expect. While demonstrating how to use it, one CCB agent spilled poison on himself and almost died. Then the umbrella started to come apart, so they had to repair it with hair curling tongs. And while all this was going on, the two men they wanted to kill left town, and the CCB had to throw the umbrella in a river.
via South African History OnlineNo points, CCB. No points.
The Soviets Were Too Ruthless To Actually Kill Their Targets
When Yugoslavia's Marshal Tito pissed off Stalin, the Soviets had a Russian spy go undercover as a Costa Rican to get appointed Costa Rican ambassador to Yugoslavia, all so he could infect Tito with weaponized bubonic plague at a diplomatic reception. Weaponized plague at a fancy party. Now that's an assassination plan! Fortunately, it took so long to come together that Stalin died before it could start, and his successors called it off.
That failure hints at a recurring problem: The Soviets were so ruthless that it over-complicated things. It bit them in the ass in 1942, when they recruited a youth named Omer Tokat to assassinate the Nazi ambassador to Turkey, Franz von Papen. Since von Papen was a high-profile figure who had helped Hitler come to power, the Soviets thought this might destabilize relations between Turkey and Germany. But obviously that wouldn't happen if the assassin was caught and confessed to being a communist agent. So the Soviets came up with a brilliant plan: They gave Tokat a device that they said would release a smokescreen to cover his escape, ninja-style. Awesome! But ... not really. The device was in fact nothing but a bomb that would kill the idiot as soon as he pressed the button.
Here's the problem: If you have a kickass James Bond ninja smoke gadget, you're going to use it ASAP. The nervous student fired his gun and hit the smoke button at exactly the same time, and was promptly vaporized. Vaporized. They found his foot on the sidewalk and his penis in a nearby tree. It was circumcised, which made investigators first suspect he was a Muslim, but they found a distinctive wart on a chunk of his forehead.
It turns out getting vaporized screws up your aim, so Tokat's bullet missed, and Von Papen was wildly confused but unhurt. He didn't even know that anyone shot at him. As far as he knew, some nearby guy simply up and exploded. The point is, Tokat probably could have hit him if he had a couple more chances, and that's exactly why schemers should always be honest with their hired killers.
These would have made for some crappy Assassin's Creed Origins stories, huh?
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