Israeli Assassins Tried To Murder The Leader Of Hamas With A Squirt Gun
In the summer of 1997, Israel sought swift and violent retribution against Hamas for a series of suicide bombings that claimed the lives of 16 Israeli civilians. Mossad agents vowed revenge on Khaled Mashal, the leader of the group. Unfortunately, it seems they mixed up their secret revenge plans with someone's spec script for Ernest Goes To Jordan.
Mashal was in Jordan at the time, and planning to stay put, as he believed that the peace treaty between Jordan and Israel would keep him safe from Mossad's reach. Israel disagreed, and sent five agents into Jordan disguised as Canadian tourists, intending to execute Mashal in an untraceable way. This was an organization known for precision sniping and tactical superiority, and yet when it came down to the wire, they decided to spill a shaken soda on Mashal to distract him while somebody squirted slow-acting poison into his ear with a fake camera.
AmazonIt's a "Squirt CAMERA!" Just like real Mossad assassins use!
Shockingly, the plan sort of ... worked? The two men got the poison in his ear, but Mashal's bodyguards saw it and chased them down. The remaining agents fled to the Israeli embassy, which was quickly surrounded by troops. It turned out that squirting poison into a political leader's ear and running away was not as subtle as they'd hoped. The five would-be assassins tried to blend in by falling back on their cover as Canadian tourists, their hopes hanging entirely on people believing that Canadians were so stupid that they would seek shelter in a completely different country's embassy.
And boy howdy, these men were especially not Canadian. They didn't know basic facts about the country, couldn't sing its national anthem, and each wrote "FUCK YOU THIS IS CRAZY" next to pictures of milk in bags. They didn't even know about the Toronto Blue Jays, who had recently won back-to-back World Series. They knew so little about Canada that they might have been trying to invent a fake country and accidentally landed on three syllables that happened to be a real one.
The king of Jordan, dying of cancer at the time, was not amused in the slightest by these -- to be fair, highly amusing -- antics, and put Israel through the wringer. Not only did they have to provide the antidote to cure Mashal, but they were also forced to free a bunch of political prisoners. They failed so hard at assassination that they wound up with a net positive for the living. It was an absolutely humiliating loss, and Benjamin Netanyahu had to fly to Jordan to publicly apologize to Crown Prince Hassan, swearing it would never be repeated. Hassan later said it was one of the most bizarre things he had ever experienced. We're inclined to agree.
A Caribbean Dictator Tried To Kill The Pope With Magic
Rafael Trujillo was a toad-faced little prick with the porn star version of Hitler's mustache who ruled the Dominican Republic with an iron fist from the '30s to the '60s. In 1960, the Catholic hierarchy finally turned against his brutal regime, sticking with the Church's strict "30 years of unlimited strikes and maybe you're out" policy. Prayers were altered to include a request to pray for "all those who are suffering in the prisons of the country and their afflicted families." Yes, the people dared to take God's side instead of an evil dictator's. Clearly, this would not stand.
Dominican Press"THIS WILL NOT STAND!"