‘Top Gun: Maverick’ (Reviewed By The Volleyball From ‘Top Gun’)

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‘Top Gun: Maverick’ (Reviewed By The Volleyball From ‘Top Gun’)

Paramount Pictures

As told to Cracked's JM McNab, here’s a review of the new film Top Gun: Maverick, by guest critic The Volleyball from the original Top Gun. 

Tom Cruise, you bastard. You’ve really let fame go to your head, haven’t you? Back in the day, it was you, me, Goose, Iceman … those other guys whose names I don’t totally remember. We were tight. When I heard you were making a Top Gun sequel, I figured I’d be asked back, no question. Finally, a part I couldn’t possibly lose after years of struggling in this terrible business. Did you know I was this close to landing Cast Away? And you should have seen my audition tape for The Force Awakens, and then they gave it to BB-8 who was the producer’s nephew or something. I figured that my old buddy Tom would help me out, but … no. 

Your new “legacy sequel” Top Gun: Maverick is basically just a beat-for-beat remake of the original, albeit with a tighter script and vastly improved action sequences. Plus, the plot, centering on Maverick training a new squad of pilots, and reckoning with his fraught relationship with Goose’s son, Rooster, adds a layer of emotion the first movie sorely lacked.

I was actually enjoying it for the first 30 minutes or so, and just assumed that you’d cut the sand-based athletics portion of the story – but then I had to sit there and watch you and your friends play beach football? Seriously? Is that even a thing??

My own personal disappointment aside, I wasn’t the only one who was callously snubbed. While Top Gun: Maverick wallows in nostalgia, namechecking Goose, bringing back Val Kilmer as Iceman, and even making sure Kenny Loggins gets a fat royalty check, the filmmakers also neglected to invite back Kelly McGillis. Her character Charlie, whose relationship with Maverick was central to the story of 1986’s Top Gun, weirdly never even gets so much as a mention in the new flick. (HMMM, SOUNDS FAMILIAR!) Instead, she is replaced by a new romantic lead, played by Jennifer Connelly, who also has a history with Maverick and also drives a Porsche. Her character is mainly defined by the fact that she has a daughter and a sailboat – other than that, she really only exists to help Maverick through his emotional struggles.

Then there’s the fact that this franchise is still basically serving as a jacked-up recruitment video for the military, glamorizing warfare against the nation of … it’s still unclear. But it would be tough to argue that Top Gun: Maverick isn’t an entertaining summer blockbuster with some pretty jaw-dropping stunts. Could have used more balls, though.

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Top Image: Paramount 

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