The Bluth family have been through their fair share of hardships and tribulations, but they never lost their ability to say truly deranged things. Whether it’s Tobias’ constant sexual innuendos or Lucille’s non-stop roast sessions, the Bluth-Funke tribe never cease to amaze. Here are 15 quotes from America's favorite crime family.


George Michael Bluth


George Michael: “Oh it’s so cute. She sometimes takes a little pack of mayonnaise and she’ll squirt it in her mouth all over and then she’ll take an egg and kind of mmm mmm. She calls it a mayonegg.”

George Michael to Michael, about Ann… at least I think that’s her name?

Maeby Stay In School

Maeby Funke


Narrator: “And that's when Maeby decided to become a devout Christian.”

Maeby: “Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the "T" on it?”

Michael: “That's a cross.”

Maeby: “Across from where?”

This conversation happens after Maeby realizes she can ditch school for religious purposes, but it’s clear she should probably keep going to class.

Roast Master Tobias

Tobias to Michael: “First of all, we’re doing this for her. Okay? Because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second, I know you’re the big marriage expert. Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead.” 

Tobias is to be featured on the next Comedy Central Roast.

Gob's Counting

Gob Bluth


Gob: “The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.”

George Sr. On Buster

George Sr: “Maybe it was the 11 months spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus, but he was our miracle baby. I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care so…he turned out a little soft, you know? A little doughy. I don’t know, maybe it was my fault, maybe I ignored the guy.”

Tobias Funke: The First Analrapist

tobias analrapist


Tobias: “Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.”

Always triple-check work emails for mistakes like this!

Saddam Hussein

Michael Bluth


Michael: “We’ve got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.”

George Sr.: “I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work!”

What’s ironic is that Saddam did audition for the Soup Nazi but did not get a callback.

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