The new trailer has dropped for the second Avatar movie, “Avatar: The Way Of Water,” and I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Oh yeah, I guess they were making more of those.” 5 movies in total are planned, apparently, which is a pretty tall order for a movie that people remember more for ponytail sex than for a single plot point outside of calling their mineral MacGuffin “unobtainium” without a shred of irony. I’m not going to sit here and say that, visually, the trailer doesn’t look amazing. Because it does, and so did Avatar. 

In fact, the trailer is basically nothing but visuals, including only the 12 words “I know one thing, wherever we go, this family… is our fortress.” Which is absolute grade-A cinematic gobbledygook that you could stick in just about any movie. It could easily be the final line of Cheaper By The Dozen 2. I also don’t even have any idea what family that is or who’s talking because the plot of the first Avatar left my brain before my popcorn bucket hit the trash on the way out.

To be honest, I think that James Cameron, with 3 more movies to go after this one, can stop bothering with writing scripts at all for any of the Avatar movies. We get it, the blue people need their trees to live or whatever. Let the Avatar movies lean into what they are, which are basically tech demos for people to absorb through eyes that are redder than the devil’s dick from high-potency weed edibles.

IMDb

Can't wait for more quotable moments like this!

Don’t worry about casting actors or doing lip-sync, or character building. If you need some sort of voice guidance that bad, just tell David Attenborough you’ll donate 10 million dollars to climate change charities if he freestyles over the whole movie. We know why we’re here, and it’s to watch what’s basically the coolest 3 hour GPU benchmark we’ve ever seen. Every scene of Avatar feels like it should have an FPS counter in the top right corner, and that’s fine.

To be honest, you need to save some time somewhere. The first Avatar came out in 2009, 11 f**king years ago. Unless James Cameron is chugging stem cell smoothies every morning, he’s not making it to number 5. It’s gonna take your poor computers a couple years to render these things out anyways. We’re not missing out on much, just show us the blue guys and the big birds. It’ll be enough to sell IMAX tickets and keep kids occupied for a couple hours.

Top Image: 20th Century Fox/Pixabay

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