There’s nothing like emptying your wallet and purchasing a ticket to see the band — THE band — you’ve always wanted to see. Nothing like it. It may even be better than actually seeing them live, what with all the smelly, screaming people there, too. Just the idea of knowing you can see them. Oh man, that’s the stuff. That’s what makes us enjoy the good sleep at night. 

In saying that, we will gladly scream and stink the place up with all of you if we could ever get to see some of these fictional bands, somehow. Who knows? What with the metaverse and literally every media format trying to evolve along with it, maybe this could be studios’ new gimmick. People would be into it. After all, Spinal Tap has literally played at Wembley, oh and also freaking Glastonbury. 

Spectacular. If you listen carefully, you can totally hear a Gen-X’er yelling “Hell Hole!” right now. Anyway, the point is that anything’s possible. So, who shall we see first? Let’s rank some beats, people.

The Soggy Bottom Boys, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Hot damn! It’s the Soggy Bottom Boys!

A true cinematic classic, that scene. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to see Clooney, Nelson and Turtorro pretend to perform the hit bluegrass song “Man of Constant Sorrow,” somewhere in a Klan-free space? We know we would.

Power rank: One hundred Dapper Dan men.

The Lone Rangers, Airheads

If this is the kind of thing you can expect from a Lone Ranger concert, then shave our heads and let us have it:

Too gnarly. We kind of prefer the band without any singing, though. Either way, as long as it’s Brendan Fraser doing the singing/not singing and Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler is also there doing the playing/not playing, we are right there in the fourth row as to not get dandruff all over us. 

Power rank: One Lemmy.

Downtown Sasquatch, Degrassi: The Next Generation

Yeah, these guys got some funk. We love a good Battle of the Bands band, battling it out for our hearts.

The Ain’t Rights, Green Room

Yeah! Now we’re talking. Oh boy, these guys go rock hard, even with covers:

Then again, where they go, bad stuff seems to follow. Still, seeing them would mean being in a universe where Anton Yelchin was still with us. So yes, yes we’d most definitely want to see them (and maybe mess up some Nazis while rocking it).

Style Boyz, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Whoa! Did we make too big a jump there? It’s good, we're all fine, you’re doing great! Just like Conner and the Style Boyz, the glorious product of Andy Samberg and The Lonely Island group. Sure, these guys may be a spoof of boy bands a la Backstreet Boys, but they’re almost too good. Yeah, we’d probably give both of Judd Apatow’s nuts to see them live.

Sex Bob-omb, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Like, you knew we’d have them on here, didn’t you? How could we not? We'd never do that to you, boo. Wow, so many great tunes by the Sex Bob-ombs. Gosh. There’s the instant classic, “Garbage Truck:"

Music scholars will debate the anti-lyricism on display here for years to come. Of course, there’s everyone’s favorite, “Launchpad McQuack” (the unofficial official title):

Ugh, straight into our cochlear nerves! Good. Excellent. Then there’s Scott trying to go solo which just never works (see Downtown Sasquatch) so we’re not counting that in here because holy shirtstain this band once destroyed virtual sound dragons with an even cooler virtual sound Yeti! WTFFFF!

That is simply incomparable.

Power rank: 10,000 boyfriends that are all Chris Evans.

Zanandi is on Twitter and also on that other platform.

Top Image: Embassy Pictures

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