15 Ron Swanson Pearls Of Wisdom
Ron Swanson is more than just a man's man, he's America's man. Every great sitcom should have a character that is all knowing and there to guide us when we feel lost, like Ron on Parks and Rec. Here are 15 pearls of wisdom from the mustache king to help you along your journey, traveler.
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
Would oat milk pass a lie detector test? Almond Milk? Hemp seed milk? This grocery store is full of liars.
On Keeping Co-Workers In Check
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
I do this all the time except with people I’ve met at parties 4 times previous.
“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”
This is why I always bring a 12ftx12ft canvas sheet with me everywhere I go.
“I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
This is definitely hanging up in a gym teachers office somewhere.
“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
This just in: double crying allowed if funeral is located at The Grand Canyon. Triple if that's where they died.
On American Rights
“The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”
The fact that Ron wasn’t morbidly obese by the end of this show is massively impressive. Where is the scientific study of Ron Swanson's metabolic rate?
“Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
Brian Boitano has been known to hook his bowling shots. (Brian Boitano is a figure skater)
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
This is great advice for life, and whoopie cushions.
On The Government
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
I just finished my taxes and boy are my nipples tired.
“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
The correct response to anyone trying to serve you fish wrapped in wax paper with lemon. Right to jail.
On Burning Your Ex-Wife Effigy
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
I used to have another layer of skin before I tried to burn my last ex wife effigy.
“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
Easy for Ron to say when he knows how many pounds of gold he has buried on his property.
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
I think Ron Swanson and Jack Donaghy should have a beer.
Related: 'Seinfeld's Diner: A History
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
So was Arbor Day.
Related: Scandinavian Birthdays Are Dark AF
On Teaching A Man To Fish
I’d love to get this response from all the people I've asked to give me a fish.
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”
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Top Image: NBC