These days it seems as though Disney keeps its Star Wars stories on a pretty short leash – hence why hundreds of older novels and comic books are no longer considered canon but the time Han and Leia got it on at a Walt Disney World resort definitely is. Even when Disney’s saga adjacent projects diverge from what we know, it’s usually in an aggressively sweet and cuddly fashion, such as with the upcoming Galactic Pals, which is seemingly just Muppet Babies but with adorable infant versions of all the creatures that tried to murder the heroes of Star Wars.

But it wasn’t so long ago that ancillary Star Wars content was allowed to take some big, pretty dark swings. Take Star Wars Tales, the Dark Horse comics series featuring non-canonical stories set in that galaxy far, far away. One of the boldest of said stories involves the parentage of Jar Jar Binks, which, while not official in any capacity, has subsequently captured the internet’s imagination.

In 2004’s “George R. Binks” by Tony Millionaire, we learn of the tragic plight of Jar Jar’s nautical father who is stranded on a deserted island along with his family after attempting to harpoon a giant whale-like creature, in what we can only assume is the greatest story about whale hunting in the history of literature. All of this sounds goofy as hell, but Millionaire’s artwork is truly incredible.

Dark Horse

George is so annoyed at his son’s clumsy antics, that he nearly allows Jar Jar to drown himself and eventually attempts to take his own life.

Dark Horse

If that wasn’t enough pathos for this Gungan patriarch, his wife then confesses that she knows that he never truly loved her and, ironically, that he only married her because she could bear children and give him an heir. At which point, the mortally-wounded George has visions of the nude form of his true, unrequited love: Sheebla.

Dark Horse

Sure this was never intended as anything other than a one-off gag, but it’s likely better than any official Jar Jar biography we’ll get – which will probably involve being raised in a nursery along with Baby Greedo and Baby Lobot.

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Top Image: Lucasfilm

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