As the war between Russia and Ukraine rages on, each day it seems like we hear about a new way in which Russia somehow got itself completely bent over a barrel by the comparatively miniscule nation of Ukraine. The latest massive L taken by Russia, as reported by every news source but their own and maybe Fox, is the sinking of the Moskva, the flagship of the Russian Black Sea fleet. Ukraine claims they sunk the ship with a Neptune long-range missile fired from land. Russia says that the ship just, uh, accidentally caught fire and blew up. Way to save face. Russian propaganda is now at the point where they are like “Ukraine is not killing us! We are simply dying of natural causes, near them!”

Whatever the exact cause, everybody is in agreement that the boat is sitting at the bottom of the ocean, presumably because pretending it’s still floating there is finally the breaking point for the Russian propaganda machine. It’s a massive win for Ukraine, as Russian forces continue to experience a rate of success in battle that mirrors the AI enemies from Goldeneye. However, perhaps while doing some research on the ship that had just been sunk, a couple of pieces of news were put together, the result of which is a hypothesis straight out of video games itself: that the ship Ukraine had just sunk had been carrying a piece of the cross Jesus Christ was crucified on.

gravestones and souls floating up to jesus

Pixabay

Pictured: The sort of stuff you get when you search “Jesus” on a free stock image site.

A news report from early 2020 was found talking about the holy relic, a very tiny piece of wood that is said to be a fragment from the cross Jesus was so rudely attached to in the past. It said that the Russian Orthodox church had given it to the former commander of the fleet in question with plans to bring it on to the ship in short order. Whether it was brought on was never confirmed.

If it was on the ship, to be honest, I feel like it proves that thing was a dud anyways. If you go through all the trouble of tracking down a piece of the True Cross, that thing should give you like, some sort of forcefield, right? I’d like to hope it at least has some miracle juice left in it from the big man, enough to turn the missile that’s about to blow it up into a loaf of bread or something.

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

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