NYC Mayor Eric Adams Has COVID, Because Of Course He Does
Eric Adams, noted crystal lover and tent hater, has begun to truly settle in as the mayor of New York City. He’s cultivated a public sentiment that wavers between indifference and rage, with only 40% of residents saying he’s doing a “good” or “excellent” job according to a Marist poll. This all while just acting like New York’s strangest socialite, softly swaying along with a head-scratching guest list of sort-of stars at parties. The latest development in Adams’ tenure? That of the novel coronavirus, inside his body, because of course.
Of course Eric Adams got COVID-19. I don’t just say that because he’s famous for hovering around sipping Tito’s and soda at clubs, or because he loves to hang out with cops as much as cops hate wearing masks. I won’t sit here and pretend that the rest of Brooklyn and NYC are exactly the most vigilant when it comes to sterile nightlife. Most of the karaoke nights around me have restarted, which truly does feel like a watershed moment.
No, I’ve known since the beginning that Eric Adams would eventually contract COVID-19 because he’s a huge weirdo, and huge weirdos stay getting COVID-19. Now, I understand, as do most people with two synapses to rub together, that COVID-19 is a virus, with no agency or preference to who it infects. It does not choose its victims. However, if there is one population subset that seems to contract it above all else, it’s that of big-time weirdos.
I don’t have a scientific hypothesis or explanation for this, outside of the fact that weirdos are always hanging out in strange situations, and with other weirdos, which could make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. In reality, Adams most likely contracted the virus during his visit to the Gridiron Club dinner, some sort of rich-people Bilderberg-ass roast in Washington DC that’s since turned out to be a super-spreader event. I postulate, however, could not this super-spreader event be not a cause, but a RESULT, of inviting a bunch of weirdos?
Look, I’m not a scientist. I’m not even a STEM major. I’m just here to say, if someone starts telling you that they are healed by crystals and sleep only 4 hours a night, all while being incredibly cagey about where they actually live? I’ll give you better odds than any game in Vegas that they’re eventually getting COVID.