Recently Jim Carrey had this to say about his character Dr. Robotnik’s ridiculously large yet gloriously orange mustache in Sonic The Hedgehog 2:

"It was a manifestation of absolute ego. Definitely, a man with a stash that big has some kind of insecurity. It's like buying a Corvette at 70."

Does Jim Carrey have a point here? Does the size of the stache equal the size of the male ego? There’s only one way to find out, and that is by ranking some of cinematic history’s biggest mustaches by a scale from 0 to 5 Sam Elliotts. 

Sam Elliott

The Hero/The Orchard

“What’s for dinner, and is it more stache?”

Yes, we have chosen Sam Elliott because he's the perfect combination of both glorious lip cover and gigantic ego. Only Sam Elliott ranks at a full five Sam Elliotts, probably. One should always try not to go full Elliott. 

Anyway, let’s judge these Lip Huggers!

Borat

20th Century Fox

A legit furry caterpillar on this Kazakhstani journalist with an ego even he’d probably say is “so-so.” We suspect he doesn’t have an insecure bone in his body, though, but we could totally see him moving to America in his old age and buying a ‘60s Corvette.

Ranking: One Sam Elliott for solid mustache work and a so-so ego. 

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, The Pink Panther

It’s “Inspector Clouseau and The Case of the Missing Upper Lip!” 

United Artists

He still can't see it.

Ranking: Two Sam Elliotts. Often seems completely unaware of his own incompetence, yet believes himself to be very good. High potential of growing into a grumpy old man. Respectable nose skirt.

Russell Hammond, Almost Famous

DreamWorks Pictures

That mustache is going places, literally. Hammond is most certainly hiding behind that powerful self-entity growing on his lip. That might be the thing driving his lust for rock stardom. Yes, this makes sense. This is canon now. Beware the Rocker Mustache.

Ranking: Three Sam Elliotts. Anyone who calls themselves a “golden god” is insecure AF. Also, that stache might never stop growing.

Thorny, Super Troopers

Fox Searchlight Pictures

That stache is pure shenanigans! (Ooooooh!)

Ranking: Three Richard Pryors. Thorny’s too good to receive a Sam Elliott (too funny, too).

Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, Sonic the Hedgehog movies

Paramount Pictures

Listen, one can only watch this (glorious) scene to understand the Eggman:

Also, that royal red carpet in the sequel is so big he can probably tie it into a neat little bow at the back.

Ranking: Three Sam Elliotts and one whole Jim Carrey.

Ron Burgundy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

DreamWorks Pictures

Yeah! Some classy Ego Stache in the house! This is what Jim Carrey was joking about, right here. Ron Burgundy's so insecure he will yell at you if you don't give him your full and immediate attention at all times. Ron Burgundy's so insecure, you could say he’s stuck in some kind of transparent box, or something. Ron Burgundy's so insecure, he physically attacked a woman who said he had bad hair.

Ranking: Four Elliotts. If his stache was any bigger, that scene would’ve been Burgundy going full Elliott. That is not classy, Ron Burgundy.

Captain Hook, Hook

TriStar Pictures

Well, he obviously feels insecure about his … hand. Obviously. Sure those two lip stickers look like hairy sperm cells. But you guys, it’s the hook thing. Totally, for realsies.

Ranking: Two and a half Sam Elliotts. It would get a higher ranking if those curly fries weren’t so thinningly French.

Bill the Butcher, Gangs of New York

Miramax Films

Now here’s a mustache taking these rankings seriously! That is one heck of a mouth canopy on one heck of a douche. Insecurity? The man has a glass eye, so nothing like a giant Lip Fro to divert people’s attention, we guess.

Ranking: Four and a half Sam Elliots. The closest one to five, probably. Got taken out by Leonardo DiCaprio, though. Would never have been able to drive a Corvette, anyway.

The entire cast of Tombstone

Buena Vista Pictures

Oh, look! There’s Sam Elliot! Well, that means this entry is disqualified immediately. But those are all fine shadings of the face puckers, fellas.

Rufus T. Firefly/Groucho Marx, Duck Soup

Paramount Pictures

This guy. That taxidermy-looking lip plaster. We’ve officially entered the uncanny valley of face fur folks.

Ranking: Three Sam Elliotts and also one definite squirrel tail.

White Goodman, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

20th Century Fox

There’s no turning back now, people. Ben Stiller’s Dodgeball mustache is taking us into the whole “chicken/egg” territory. Just look at that thing — one could practically see the fetus developing in the womb, mustache first. That thing should have its own ID. That thing probably doesn’t even need a human to survive. It’ll just slip away one night, go underground, and start an entire species of Stache Monsters by itself. Come back to eat all the little Goodmans and the Elliots of the world. Inherit the Earth, bring back the dinosaurs — full circle, somehow. 

Don’t question it. It knows when you question it.

Ranking: Six Sam Elliotts. Yes, it has surpassed the stupid Sam Elliott ranking, for it cannot be compared to any puny, petty mortal. It ate its own ranking to clone itself and now there are two. The Rise of the Stache has begun. May God have mercy on us all.

Zanandi is on Twitter.

Top Image: Paramount Pictures

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