Some Weirdo Thinks Electric Unicycles Are The Solution To Gas Prices

Look, man. We understand that your weird little unicycle is convenient. No one can really argue with you on that. It’s compact, useful, it doesn’t use gasoline. From a purely functional perspective, it’s a great solution for a lot of people’s day-to-day needs. There’s just one huge, specific problem with it. It looks dumb as hell.

You can go off on the vanity of modern consciousness or whatever you want, but the basic truth is that people do not like to look like idiots in public. This truth is a powerful truth, too. This is a world where people get their heads split like a pistachio because they think bicycle helmets are dumb looking. No matter how much money you save on gas, it’s a hard sell to convince people to zoom around like the Jetsons’ robot maid.

I do not know how far back in human nature this behavior goes, but I would love for historians to find out. Did the neanderthals feel shame? One one hand, they had A LOT going on, not-getting-killed-wise. On the other hand… I feel that derisive laughter has probably held great power since the dawn of time. I bet if a caveman walked out of a cave in a dumb looking loincloth and the other cavemen pointed and laughed, you’d have a crying caveman that will NEVER wear that loincloth again. But this is all conjecture.

What I was trying to say with that anthropological tangent is that trying to teach humans not to be embarrassed is like trying to teach a fish to walk. It is a core tenet of our being. Someone could engineer the greatest invention of our time and if it looks goofy that thing is going straight in the garbage. It sucks but that’s how things work on this little blue pebble. I wish I had the demented courage to roll around on an electric unicycle decked out with the whole kit and caboodle: transition lenses, those weird five-finger shoes, a fannypack, you name it. But I just can’t. I hope you understand.

Also that thing costs like $2000??? I better get like A HUNDRED wheels for that kinda money.

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay