After two years of intense struggle, our long international nightmare is over: Morbius is finally out, and at last, we can rest easy knowing what happens in the 101 minutes that weren't included in that now-classic January 2020 Morbius teaser trailer. Unfortunately, what happens is ... not good, guys. Here's a rundown of the worst parts so you can be psychologically prepared when you end up watching this movie in an airplane two years from now: 

The Guy Who Doesn't Know What A Doctor Is

 

The movie starts with Morbius, the Living Human Being (he's not a vampire yet), coming out of a helicopter in Costa Rica with a bunch of soldier-type dudes because he wants to steal some bats from a cave. One of the soldiers notices Morbius walking with a cane and asks him, "Do you need a doctor?" to which Morbius replies, "I am a doctor." Obviously, this is to let us know what Morbius' profession is without having him wear a stethoscope around his neck throughout the movie. 

But ... what's up with the other guy? Has he never seen someone walking with a cane before? Why would he assume he needs urgent medical attention? And if Dr. Morbius did need another doctor, where is he gonna find one in the middle of the jungle? None of the four other guys in the helicopter are doctors.  

Screenshot from Morbius (2022) with Jared Leto.
We know this for a fact because no one's wearing a stethoscope or saying, "Hey, everyone! I am a doctor."  

This scene only makes sense if, during the helicopter ride, Morbius scooted over next to that soldier and whispered, "Hey, when we come out, ask me if I need a doctor," just to set up his cool reply. There was probably some back and forth with the confused soldier there, at which point Morbius probably wished he had brought his stethoscope. By the way, this scene implies the soldiers ran away and left this disabled man there with the bats, so we have to assume they just flew him back to America. 

Morbius Just Renames Another Kid For The Rest Of His Life

 

After that intro, we cut back to when Morbius was a sickly little child living in a hospital in Greece. One day, the doctors bring in another sick kid named Lucien, who nearly dies when a machine he's hooked up to malfunctions (note: Lucien doesn't need the machine to live in any other scene). Lil' Morbius fixes the machine using the spring inside a ballpoint pen, which instantly revives Lucien, and the two become fast friends. You could probably make a whole other movie out of their childhood shenanigans. 

The baffling part is that Morbius refuses to call his friend by his name: he calls him "Milo" instead because his bed used to belong to a dead kid of that name, so Morbius decides Lucien is gonna be the new Milo until he dies too and they bring in another one. That sounds like something a kid would do because kids are buttholes ... but then it turns out the doctors are also calling Lucien "Milo," for some reason? Like, even in life or death situations. They know his real name (they introduced him to Morbius!), and presumably, they remember the original Milo, but apparently, they too decided they're just not gonna bother learning kids' names because they die so often. 

Cut to 25 years later: Lucien is now a millionaire, and everyone calls him Milo. We honestly assumed the movie had forgotten that wasn't his real name until the very end when it's uttered again for the first time in almost two hours. At what point did he give up and accept he was gonna use the name of a dead child he never met for the rest of his life? How did his family feel about it? Give us that movie, Sony. 

Altering Your DNA Lets You Turn Into Smoke?

  

So, Morbius splices the DNA from those Costa Rican bats he stole with his own and gains vampire-like abilities and insta-abs. Okay. That makes sense in a dumbass comic book movie kind of way. But he can also turn himself into smoke now, for some reason? Why? Where did the smoke come from? Did he also shoot himself up with smoke DNA in a deleted scene? Did someone fart on his test tubes while he was performing the experiment? Does his trail of smoke also leave a trail of unpleasant butthole smells? Was Jared Leto constantly farting on set to get into character?  

Screenshot from Morbius (2022) with Jared Leto.
Should we be calling him Morbius the Living Fart? 

A Detective Fundamentally Misunderstands How Cat Litter Boxes Work

 

If you see the words "cat litter" trending worldwide on Twitter soon, it's because everyone's talking about this scene: 

It's been pointed out that the detective was only shaking the box to see if there was any cat poop in it, but if that was the intent, we don't think anyone told the actor. He was clearly shaking it while going, "kitty, kitty, kitty," like he expects the cat to come running. It would be incredibly unlucky if they just happened to hire the one actor with a scat fetishist cat for that one role. 

The Dumbest Post-Credits Scenes In Any Superhero Movie

 

The two post-credits sequences show: 1) Michael Keaton's character from Spider-Man: Homecoming, the Vulture, materializing in a jail cell in this universe, and saying "Hope the food's better in this joint," and 2) Keaton meeting up with Morbius in the middle of nowhere and going, "Yeah, guess we should team up or whatever, even though there's no possible reason for us to. Also, how did we even find each other if one of us is a fugitive? Also also, let's make sure to mention Spider-Man, who as far as we know has nothing to do with any of this." Note that neither of these scenes include the setting or dialogue of the Michael Keaton moment from the end of the first Morbius teaser. 

Here's what we think happened: Sony shot that original Keaton cameo because they thought they could set the movie in the MCU, but then they found out they couldn't. Unfortunately, they had already included Keaton in the teaser by then, so they felt compelled to add these new scenes to explain that moment that isn't actually in the movie anymore by piggybacking off of the multiversal chaos in Spider-Man: No Way Home. Make sense? Not really, but at least we know Michael Keaton is making good bank and that's all that matters here. 

Follow Maxwell Yezpitelok's heroic effort to read and comment on every '90s Superman comic at Superman86to99.tumblr.com. 

Top image: Sony Pictures Releasing 

Join the Cracked Movie Club

Expand your movie and TV brain--get the weekly Cracked Movie Club newsletter!

Tags

Forgot Password?