15 Netflix Up And Coming Comedians’ Hall-of-Fame Jokes
Welcome to ComedyNerd, Cracked's daily comedy Superstation. For more ComedyNerd content, and ongoing coverage of the Iran/Contra Affair, please sign up for the ComedyNerd newsletter below.
Comedy specials have done wonders for stand-up comedy. HBO got the ball rolling back in the 70s, but today, Netflix has really taken the reigns.
Not just for comedy legends anymore, comedians who’ve semi-recently ditched the day job, built up a decent little following, and have a solid chunk of material that the people just need to hear, can snag themselves a spot on Netflix’s The Standups.
You may or may not know these comedians, but they very well could stand the test of time because these 15 jokes are definitely Hall-of-Fame worthy.
A poignant gem on police reform.
"The supreme court decided that a police officer can use deadly force if they fear for their life. If they’re afraid, they can shoot you. I say fine! You can kill a m*therf*cker when you’re afraid, but before we let you be a cop, we should find out what you’re afraid of first.
The final exam in the police academy should be a haunted house. But instead of skeletons and witches, it’s just black people doing everyday activities. You gotta make it from the front yard to the cookout in the back yard without killin’ nobody. Then you get your badge at the grill."
She really paints the picture.
“When I wanna practice self care, I like to pretend that I’m in a Nancy Meyers movie. If you’ve ever seen a Nancy Meyers movie… The Holiday, Something’s Gotta Give… Whenever Dian Keaton’s feeling frisky.”
“Imagine I’m a white woman in my 50s, or 60s… I’m living in the hot flash. My name is Margot, with a T. I’m wearing taupe, I’m wearing beige, and I’ll be sitting with my best friend, sipping a Californian white wine, and I’ll say, “His new wife is how old?!”
“That’s every Nancy Meyers movie in a nutshell.”
Now we're rethinking every law.
"Nobody likes a man-boob. Nobody likes a hairy, milk-less t*t. Yet, man boobs are legal all over the country. Fat guy in Cleveland takes his shirt off… totally fine. Woman in Cleveland takes her shirt off.. Indecent exposure. But those are the t*ts we like, how did we f*ck that up?
We got weird boob rules in America. Female t*t exposed… illegal. Male t*t exposed… legal. Female t*t exposed with a baby sucking on it… legal. Male t*t exposed with a baby sucking on it… Very illegal."
Oh, that explains the recent spike in flight freak-outs.
"Bus people are on planes now. That’s what’s happening. The airlines were hurting during quarantine, and they said yo, ‘Wanna go to Cabo for $20 round-trip?’ Bus people heeded the call, packed up their camo duffle bags and hit the skies.”
“We all know what happens on greyhounds. Now it’s happening at 30,000 feet.”
Man, them tunes have some good imagery.
“A good country song can have you reminiscing about times you never had. My family, we never went to the lake, but I hear a country song about the lake and I’m like, ‘Yeah, I remember that.’"
“That was a good time.”
It’s not just the Canadians who are sorry.
“I come from a Mexican family. Not a lot of people believe. I get a lot of people like, ‘Oh, you don’t look Mexican.’ And I get so apologetic. Like, I’m so sorry I forgot my sombrero. Did I not roll my R’s enough? Sorrrrrrry. And I have to just salsa away."
“There was a guy in the front row, and I thought he looked like me. So I said hey man, you look like me, and he went, ‘Oof.’”
“I was like, ‘Wow, I didn’t mean to hurt our feelings.’ I realized that’s probably the best way to get a sense of what you look like. Tell someone they look like you, then see how they immediately respond.”
Gina in the Middle.
“This is not the Hollywood look. There’s two looks for black women in Hollywood. You either look like Halle Berry… Or Precious.”
“There’s no sliding scale!”
“I’m trying a lot of new stuff. Like, I saged my apartment and… I’m new to witchcraft, so I don’t know what I’m doing. And people are like, ‘Sage doesn’t work.’ Well, neither did voting, alright! You gotta try new sh*t! Democracy failed, so we gotta start looking to voodoo or something.”
But they make up for it with all that beer at those soft ball games.
“The only thing more feminine than giving birth, is men in their 30s throwing underhand.”
“I taught my mom how to text. I feel like she made very quick progress. She started writing out texts like emails. My nickname, “Apps” would be the subject in bold, then she would start a message… ‘Hope Nashville was fun. When we got married, dad would…’”
“And then she would get tired and walk away from the phone. This is all we ever got out of this one. ‘When we got married, dad would…’ Well, that sounds like Dad. Classic Dad move.”
"They opened a Cross-fit directly across the street from my house. So now every afternoon I… Get high and watch people flip tires. It’s fun. I feel like a sh*tty construction foreman. I’m like, ‘Keep building. I’m gonna nap again.”
Apparently people still care a lot about who’s using which bathroom.
“I am a woman. So do not kick me out of the bathroom, please!” “I am a beautiful snowflake, just trying not to melt.”
After this 30 minute ‘The Stand-ups’ special, she got her own full-length Netflix special, Sweet & Salty and co-hosts the What a Joke podcast with Tom Papa.
Love that confidence.
“What I’m going to do tonight is, I’m going to try out some jokes. Do some jokes. Hopefully they work, and if they don’t, I’m never going to see y’all again so it don’t matter. Also, I only wrote black material. White people, I didn’t know y’all was coming. So, just sit there and take that sh!t.”
According to Brent, The State Of Drunkenness is unsound.
“This is the worst time in history to be a drunk. Hands down. We’re too connected as people now. The smartphone. Like, I shouldn’t be able to get drunk. Alone. In my bedroom, with the door locked, and ruin… Everything.”
Top Image: Netflix Studios