If 'Spider-Man: No Way Home' Were 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

It’s finally arrived, the big multiverse crossover of the century you’ve been waiting for since reading hundreds of pages of leaked materials covering every single moment of the film. Does Spider-Man: No Way Home live up to the hype that you generated by counting pixels next to a CGI lizard’s face in a low-resolution GIF on Twitter? We sent The Editing Room to find out, having done so many times for us in the past, and this is what they brought back: the mother of all internet leaks, an abridged script of the entire film.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK, TWO SECONDS AFTER "FAR FROM HOME"

TOM HOLLAND (as SPIDEY-TOM) and ZENDAYA, increasingly unsure why she agreed to be in these movies, are swinging through the city.

ZENDAYA

Welp, we made Spider-Man get all his tech from Tony Stark

and immediately sent him into space, so I guess the whole

concept of a “friendly neighborhood Spider-Man” catching

bank robbers is shot all to hell.

SPIDEY-TOM

At least I’m still like the only character in the entire MCU

who still does the classic comic book secret identity thing.

They can never take that away!

Suddenly, crackpot conspiracy theorist J.K. SIMMONS appears on every LCD panel in the city, and with perfect sound, somehow.

J.K. SIMMONS

This just in! Spider-Man is actually Tom Holland! And J.

Jonah Jameson is actually J.K. Simmons in everything!

Forever! And Zendaya is actually a crisis actor!

SPIDEY-TOM

(FaceTiming JACOB BATALON)

Dude! Is Disney ever going to let this character just

breathe a little bit in this universe? We just finished

Endgame and have already written ourselves into such a

corner that the only way out is a goofy continuity-shredding

reset button?

JACOB BATALON

Yeah, this isn't DC Comics; it’s not like there’s some

character in the roster like The Flash, whose powers are

nebulous and limitless who can just declare a crisis event

and reboot things like magic!

SPIDEY-TOM

That’s it, Jacob! Magic! We can just sprinkle magic into any

movie now and undo anything we want! We can continue just

throwing everything out there in post-credits sequences

without consequence!

On the theme of no consequences, CHARLIE COX as ALMOST DAREDEVIL shows up to assure TOM that, no matter what else happens, he won't spend the film's runtime in JAIL.

CHARLIE COX

Look everyone, it's ME, NETFLIX’S MATT MURDOCK! Aw yeah,

this is a major moment, the first time somebody from the

Defenders continuity graduates into the MCU proper!

TOM HOLLAND

(checks internet)

It says here that Kingpin showed up on Hawkeye about eight

hours before this movie debuted.

CHARLIE COX

... Well, now he’s just being petty.

INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM

TOM realizes it's been over 10 minutes of a SPIDER-MAN MOVIE focusing on SPIDER-MAN, so naturally, he needs to pull in SOME OTHER AVENGER, and BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is STILL ALIVE.

TOM HOLLAND

Mr. Strange Lastname, I need you to mind wipe the entire

planet for me. Also, digitally delete every recording of

J.K. Simmons revealing my identity, and of course the

original Mysterio recording, the newspapers with my friends'

pictures on them, all the protest signs people made up with

my face on them, and everyone’s phones who recorded one of

the telecasts on every television in Times Square.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

No way, kid, I’m not going to do something world-altering

just because your life is harder now.

TOM HOLLAND

It’s not that, sir. It’s because my random teenage friends

you’ve never met didn't get into their first choice of

college.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Uh, that’s worse. Remember when I was more than ready to

toss you out into the cold in exchange for protecting a

glowing green rock? I'm clearly heartless.

(sighing)

Never mind, screw it. In a decision so out of character for

me that it spawned a popular fan theory that I’m actually

Mephisto or Evil Strange, I’ll go ahead and Eternal Sunshine

the entire planet just for you.

BENEDICT WONG shows up, his bags packed for a long trip which totally makes sense when the guy can just open a portal to his dresser any time...

BENEDICT WONG

Cumberbatch, don’t cast that spell. It’s too dangerous and

also extremely lazy writing.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Okay, but what if you only say that in the trailer and in

the actual movie don't really give a crap?

BENEDICT WONG

Works for me; I have a second Marvel check to cash with ...

(reaches into obligatory MCU cameo grab bag)

Abomination? Damn, that's so random it's worth making fun of

twice.

(leaves)

INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM’S WET BASEMENT

In the BASEMENT, BENEDICT begins gesticulating wildly while hoping the CGI WIZARDS at DISNEY paint enough orange wisps on the screen that nobody sees how stupid he looks.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Alright, the whole world is about to forget that Tom Holland

is Spider-Man, which is exactly what Sony keeps threatening

Disney with every time they have to renegotiate the rights

to this character.

TOM HOLLAND

Okay, phew.

(pause)

Oh wait, can you make an exception for Zendaya? I don’t

think I could ever replicate the circumstances that led to

me pulling THAT again. I mean, I’m okay, but, you know?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(begrudgingly)

Fine, your girlfriend will remember whatever it is she sees

in you.

TOM HOLLAND

Oh, and my best friend Jacob, he should know, too!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

What? A serious relationship, I can understand, but the guy

who keeps showing up hairless on late-night talk shows

looking like a toe wearing a Hawaiian shirt? I draw the

line.

TOM HOLLAND

Oh, shoot, and my Aunt Marisa Tomei should really know!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

LITERALLY, YOU CAN JUST TELL ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AGAIN,

JESUS.

BENEDICT becomes so distracted that he screws up the spell that requires so much concentration to do correctly that he probably shouldn’t have invited a spectator.

EXT. NEW YORK - BRIDGE

With the spell having failed, TOM considers PLAN B after almost gaslighting the entire universe: SAYING PRETTY PLEASE.

TOM HOLLAND

(knocking on car window)

Hello? MIT person? We were desperate to find any function

for Tony Revolori this time, so he happened to know that I

could find you here.

PAULA NEWSOME

I'm the Vice-Chancellor! Is this a Lori Loughlin situation?

I'm not saying no, just clarifying. Oh no, the bridge is

suddenly being attacked by

(extensive contract negotiations)

DR. ALFRED MOLINA!

ALFRED MOLINA

That’s right, bwa ha ha! Hello, Spider-Man! I’m here to

cause general chaos and destruction while carefully avoiding

fatalities because I have a historical vendetta against

you!

(signature car-chucking)

TOM HOLLAND

Against me? Phew, honestly after two movies of my villains

mostly hating Tony Stark it’s kind of refreshing you hate me

directly.

ALFRED MOLINA

Wait, a second, you’re not Peter Parker. I don’t hate you at

all. I hate the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man! Gosh, I wonder if

he'll show up; back in my universe, we don't have the

internet to leak the worst-kept secret in Hollywood.

WILLEM DAFOE

(flying through a portal)

And I'm here too, cackling incessantly and hoping I don't

run out of Pumpkin Bombs which I can't make more of here in

this reality!

TOM HOLLAND

Oh good, the permanence of character death has been a real

problem in the MCU, I’m glad we’re rectifying that across

film franchises too.

Suddenly TOM and ALFRED are teleported back to the SANCTORUM, while WILLEM presumably murders everyone on the bridge in the R-RATED version.

INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM'S DARK WET BASEMENT

BENEDICT captures ALFRED in a GLASS JAIL FOR BAD GUYS borrowed from the sets of every other action movie made in the last decade.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Tom, the spell backfired! It did the exact opposite of

making people forget you’re Spider-Man!

TOM HOLLAND

It made people who forgot suddenly learn I was Spider-Man?!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

What? No. Obviously, it opened a rift in the fabric of the

multiverse and instantly transported to our world other

versions of people who know you’re Spider-Man! And Venom, for

some reason, who doesn’t know that!

TOM HOLLAND

Bit of a stretch, but sure. Wait! The multiverse is basically

infinite, so there must be like 600,000 variants of Aunt May

walking around New York!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Uh...

TOM HOLLAND

And of course, characters who likely know the identity of

Spider-Man at SOME point in time, in SOME universe where we

fought, but that didn’t happen to have had a Sony movie made

with them like Kraven, Morbius, Scorpion, Jackal, Black Cat,

Hydro-Man, Hobgoblin, Chameleon...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

No, listen, it’s only the major fanservice villains. But not

all of them — Disney “lost” James Franco’s number.

TOM HOLLAND

...Silvermane, Molten Man, Prowler, Grizzly, Human Fly,

Alistair Smythe, Jack O’Lantern, Spot, Black Tarantula,

Panda-Mania, Sin-Eater, Vermin, Doppelganger, Proto-Goblin,

damn, I fight a lot of goblins, Hippo, Screwball, another

Thanos, if you think about it...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Just stop questioning the paper-thin justification for all

this fan wankery and enjoy it. Now, go capture all of the

other bad guys who were transported here because they know

you're Spider-man. And since there's no way to actually know

if that's why a crazy villain shows up, just capture anyone

doing weird stuff, and it'll work out.

TOM HOLLAND

Right. Would this be a good time to call up all the other

Avengers you know, or are you leaving the theoretically

infinite number of dangerous supervillains to me and my two

high-school friends?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Damn, right I am. But I will offer some StrangeTech to add to

all your DowneyTech just to make you even more indebted to

other heroes.

(flourishes)

This arm thingie has a magical whip that instantly teleports

any bad guy into a magical prison cell that is invulnerable

to all their powers.

There is a LONG, LONG PAUSE.

TOM HOLLAND

(heavy sigh)

... so, could we have used this against Thanos or ...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

NO, WE COULD NOT, AND WE'LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN AFTER THIS

MOVIE BYE.

EXT. FOREST

OBLIGATORY NEW OUTFIT SPIDEY-TOM goes to investigate some strange person flying around in the forest, and naturally, this turns out NOT to be someone from one of the many MCU properties taking place at the same time with flying weirdos. Instead, it's JAMIE FOXX, the least-embarrassing villain from his franchise.

JAMIE FOXX

Spider-Man? Somehow I recognize you despite you wearing a suit

that's even more different from the one I'm familiar with

than the one you thought would pass for a totally different

superhero in your last movie.

TOM HOLLAND

Look, I just need you to go back to your universe; you are

way too cool for this one. Everyone here is like a nonstop

quipping nerd.

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH

Spider-Man! I'm here too, and there's no time for

introductions in this movie that is somehow as long as

Infinity War. How can I help you?

TOM HOLLAND

I won't question any of this. Ground is super effective

against Electric-type. Random Sand Monster, I choose you!

They fight and eventually all end up back in CUMBERBATCH'S INESCAPABLE TORTURE BASEMENT.

EXT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM'S DARK WET BASEMENT

EVERYONE gathers to brainstorm what the hell to do with this stacked cast, knowing it will never happen again.

WILLEM DAFOE

I remember I was about to be stabbed by my glider, when

suddenly I wound up here WITH my glider not stabbing me, and

with my mask, which I had already lost by that point in the

movie!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Okay, yes, everyone who got transported here died fighting

Spider-Man! And Venom, for some reason, who didn't.

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH

But Spider-Man and I were cool by the end of my movie; we

shared a bro-cry, so I don't really understand why I'm here

or why I can't seem to be not always made of sand.

RHYS IFANS

I didn't die either — in fact, I was cured and spent my life

protecting Peter Parker from jail, so why the hell did I get

zapped here from like the exact 2 hours of my life when I

was a lizard?

(looks around)

Oh, hi, everyone. I'm in the movie too, but The Lizard is so

uninteresting that Benedict captured me offscreen, and I'll

be spending most of the movie "waiting in the van."

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Okay, look, some of you were about to die; some of you

weren't, Rhino isn't here, you're all from different

universes AND different points in time, Topher Grace didn't

show up. This entire premise is an absolute mess, and we all

know it! Now I need to send you all back to die; it's your

fate!

TOM HOLLAND

This from the guy who reset the timeline 400 times to stop

his girlfriend from dying in a car wreck that she was

CLEARLY meant to die in?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

That wasn’t me technically! Stop referencing non-yet-canon

animated multiverse stuff in this CGI multiverse movie,

that’s the post-credits scene's job! Now, if you'll excuse

me, I need to leave the movie because I'm too powerful to be

in much more of it.

BENEDICT and TOM duke it out in the MIRROR DIMENSION like TWO BIG NERDS, and TOM defeats BENEDICT with the POWER OF MATH, which seems like a dismissive joke we're making but is the ACTUAL EXPLANATION.

INT. JON FAVREAU'S APARTMENT

Still riding high from his mirror dimension fight, TOM decides to completely overstep his bounds by inviting all the villains into JON FAVREAU'S CONDO to CURE them of their VILLAINY.

TOM HOLLAND

Yeah, this should take roughly one afternoon or so. You guys

can thank DowneyTech for once again solving one of my

seemingly insurmountable problems.

The group of science geeks tinkers around happily for the length of a cheery montage and even manages to successfully CURE ALFRED MOLINA.

ALFRED MOLINA

Looks like I'm back to being miserable purely by choice.

TOM HOLLAND

Hold up, my Someone-Is-Still-Evil-Sense is tingling...

(scans the room)

WILLEM DAFOE

MWAH HA HA IT'S ME, OBVIOUSLY! These other schmucks aren't in

my league; they rely on extensive CGI to be threatening

while I only need MY OWN GODDAMN FACE.

(cackles)

CALAMITY ENSUES! Most of the baddies disperse while VILLAIN DAFOE slams TOM through countless concrete walls and floors, but TOM will somehow only worry about broken ribs.

MARISA TOMEI

I feel... a poignant moment... taking over me...

(grabs a nearby comic book)

With great power, there must... yeah nope, I can't even say

it with a straight face.

TOM HOLLAND

I've been waiting my whole life for anyone to say those

words to me.

MARISA TOMEI

Who'd have thought that with everything else going on, we

still had time to cram in a classic comic book fridging?!

(dies)

INT. JACOB'S DINING ROOM

While TOM is busy crying in the rain, JACOB and ZENDAYA contemplate their carbs.

JACOB BATALON

We could really use an uplifting cameo right about now after

that parade of sadness that we presumably found out about

via shockingly specific news footage on the TV.

(accidentally half-opens a portal)

Oh hey, that could work. I'll open up portals until we find

Tom. Or until we find someone cool enough to make us forget

about this plan to find Tom.

A legit PORTAL opens and out steps... ANDREW GARFIELD, who unmasks in front of strangers IMMEDIATELY.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Alright, guys, I know what you’re going to ask, and no, I am

not in the new Spider-Man movie. I’m just a Photoshop; I’ve

never met Tobey Holland; in fact, I’ve never even heard of

John Spiderman.

Everyone taps their fingers, angrily trying to tolerate the longest scene in the history of the world until FINALLY another PORTAL opens, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD TOBEY MAGUIRE steps through, causing Moviebob’s heart to literally explode in his chest.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Hello Spider-people. Wow, I remember when Sam Raimi was like,

“My third Spider-Man movie was only a trainwreck because

Sony crammed a third villain into it,” and look at us now.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Three full Spider-Men and five villains, but somehow not six

in a sinisterly missed opportunity.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Anyway, now we need a plan to find Tom since previously

there was no plan whatsoever for finding Tom. Is there

anywhere significant he likes to go? Preferably somewhere

from earlier in this movie, we're taxing the audience's

memory enough as it is.

EXT. SPIDEY'S CRY-DEY HIDEY ROOFTOP

SPIDERS TOBEY and ANDREW show up on the roof to give TOM a BROTHERLY PEP TALK.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

I know what you’re dealing with, Tom. I tragically lost my

Uncle Ben and never got over the guilt; it’s sort of my

whole thing.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Well, I have guilt over smashing Emma Stone’s head open. I

was gonna say the Uncle Ben thing too, but Tobey stepped on

my line there; thanks a bunch.

TOM HOLLAND

This pep talk about how miserable life is for apparently

every Spider-Man in every universe worked somehow. Okay, so

we need to conclude both of your unfinished stories, create

new endings for the villains that unceremoniously died in

your films, and reset the timeline in the MCU going forward.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Right, and we need to do that without alienating all the

significant others who got dragged to see this movie without

watching 5 previously-unrelated Spider-Man films of wildly

varying quality beforehand.

ANDREW GARFIELD

...

TOM HOLLAND

...

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Bwahahaha, just kidding, screw ‘em! Unleash the firehose of

easter eggs!

Every ICONIC MOMENT from every previous film is awkwardly shoehorned in as A CHILD who has managed to collect every SPIDER-MAN BRAND action figure plays around for the next 40 or so minutes -- except this CHILD is GROWN-ASS DIRECTOR JON WATTS and he has a $200 MILLION PLAYSET.

EXT. THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, NOW WITH ACCESSORIES

SPIDEY-TOM uses J.K. SIMMONS'S online show to lure all the VILLAINS.

SPIDEY-TOM

Okay, we've planted our magical — sorry, SCIENCE cures all

over the statue. When all the baddies show up, we'll enact

our brilliant strategy of just kind of winging it and hoping

this works! We rule!

All the VILLAINS show up and start STOMPING SPIDER-ASS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

SPIDER-TOBEY

I think we need a new strategy. How about instead of "not

working together" ... we try "working together"?

SPIDER-ANDREW

That just might work! Together! But first, let's take another

ten minutes or so comparing Spider-notes, I mean it's more

entertaining than the random incomprehensible fighting

scenes anyway.

SPIDEY-TOM

Good idea Andrew, you're ... "Amazing"! Did I wink hard

enough when I said that? Let me try another dozen times.

SPIDER-TOBEY

Now let's compare IMDB and Metacritic scores to figure out

who should be "Peter 1", "Peter 2", and Andrew.

SPIDEY-TOM

Obviously, I'm "Peter 1", I'm in the Avengers! And I fought

Thanos, alongside the Guardians of the Galaxy and the Thor

Ragnarok gang and all the sorcerers and none of that really

has anything to do with me personally, but anyway, that's why

I'm the best incarnation of this character, according to the

people who wrote this one and not the others.

The battle RESUMES, and RHYS and THOMAS are cured!

ALFRED MOLINA

Surprise, I'm back and ready to help defeat exactly one

villain!

(cures Jamie Foxx)

Ah, my work here is done. Good luck with Dafoe!

(octo-jerks)

At this point, CUMBERBATCH realizes we're near enough to the end that he can come back.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(emerging from portal)

You’ve been using my sling ring? I had to be stranded on a

mountaintop and almost die to learn that from Tilda. Come to

think of it, maybe she was just messing with me... anyhoo,

time to push the big movie-ending button...

However, a DAFOE BOMB explodes the MAGICAL GIZMO causing EVEN MORE MULTIVERSE RUPTURES!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Argh! Looks like I'm gonna be busy straining and gesturing

again, good luck with Dafoe, guys!

ZENDAYA almost falls to her death, but SPIDER-ANDREW saves her! With him stuck in the PERSONAL RESOLUTION ZONE, it's up to the other two Spideys...

SPIDEY-TOM

Argh, I'm gonna stab you with your own glider, Willem! Oof,

this is really heavy.

SPIDER-TOBEY

No Tom, don't! Don't stab him! Stabbing is wrong!

(is stabbed)

I set myself up for that.

(collapses)

SPIDEY-TOM good-stabs WILLEM with SCIENCE JUICE, making him safe again. ANDREW GARFIELD CRIES, then TOM HOLLAND CRIES, the AUDIENCE CRIES, and TOBEY MAGUIRE wonders why he took so much flack for crying in his movie.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Can't... close... ruptures! All kinds of intellectual

properties... going to invade! I swear that's the silhouette

of a Hostess Twinkies ad coming through.

SPIDEY-TOM

What if you do the original spell, though? Where everyone

forgets they know I'm Spider-Man? Except for this time, it's

worse for some reason?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I can't think of any reason why MORE mind erasure would

reverse this spell any better while I'm even more distracted

but I'm going to go with it mostly because I want to punish

you for making me go see the Grand Canyon; very overrated.

BENEDICT starts doing the new SPELL, and all the FAN SERVICE CHARACTERS start disappearing back to THEIR OWN MOVIES.

WILLEM DAFOE

Thank you for saving me from my fate, guys! Now instead of

dying I can just be imprisoned, my reputation utterly

destroyed, my company subsequently ruined, my son hating me

forever, huh maybe you guys didn’t do me a favor after al—

(vanishes)

ALFRED MOLINA

Meanwhile, I’ll head back to my climax, where this time I’ll

have regained my sanity and morals and reclaimed control

over the tentacles!

SPIDER-TOBEY

Oh, that already happened the first time. You died anyway.

ALFRED MOLINA

Well, fu—

(vanishes)

SPIDER-TOBEY

Thanks for summoning me for one last round in the red and

blue suit, it's been fun to take a break from all my other

acting work as...

(scrolls IMDB... keeps scrolling... further... all the way

back to 2017)

The Boss Baby Narrator?

(vanishes)

SPIDER-ANDREW

I had fun too, or at least I would have if I was in this

movie, which I'm not. Glad I could save your girlfriend,

Tom. That doesn't rub salt in the wound at all, knowing that

I definitely had the skill to save my own and just ...

didn't.

(vanishes)

Everyone vanishes back to their universes, resetting the continuity within the MCU while leaving the multiverse door open for Marvel to just downright do whatever the everloving crap they want next and you dumb dorks will slurp it up.

SPIDEY-TOM

Well, Zendaya, I guess this is the end of the road. You’ll

forget we were ever a couple, and our relationship will be

wiped from reality. I just wish we could have more time,

even one more day - OH NO, we’re accidentally doing THAT

story!! ABORT ABORT ABORT!

END (BUT NOT REALLY)

INT. MEXICAN BAR - MID-CREDITS SCENE

TOM HARDY is drinking and cussing and talking about SPIDER-MAN.

TOM HARDY

Hi Kevin Feige! It’s me, Tom Hardy! The character from the

Venom franchise that you clearly hate! Like the way we just

wrote ourselves into the MCU with no regard for continuity?

VENOM

BWAR HAR HAR, AND YOU CAN'T SUE SONY BECAUSE YOU NEED THESE

CHARACTERS TO SURVIVE, ALMOST LIKE THE COMPANY IS A PARASITE

FEEDING OFF YOUR BOX OFFICE CACHE AND YOU'RE IN A SYMBIOTIC

RELATIONSHIP WITH OH I GET IT.

KEVIN FEIGE

Pack your stuff and get the hell out. You wrote yourself

into my universe with a post-credits gag, and I can write you

right back out with one.

TOM HARDY

But I just got here! I actually say this, along with every

member of the audience!

KEVIN kicks the LESSER TOM H. through a portal right back to SONYLAND.

KEVIN FEIGE

Leave the franchise.

(to writers)

Take the symbiote.

The AUDIENCE looks pretty pissed about this, so MARVEL just drops the entire MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS TRAILER in lieu of filming a real post-credits scene.

END

Top Image: Sony Pictures