If 'Spider-Man: No Way Home' Were 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest
It’s finally arrived, the big multiverse crossover of the century you’ve been waiting for since reading hundreds of pages of leaked materials covering every single moment of the film. Does Spider-Man: No Way Home live up to the hype that you generated by counting pixels next to a CGI lizard’s face in a low-resolution GIF on Twitter? We sent The Editing Room to find out, having done so many times for us in the past, and this is what they brought back: the mother of all internet leaks, an abridged script of the entire film.
EXT. NEW YORK, TWO SECONDS AFTER "FAR FROM HOME"
TOM HOLLAND (as SPIDEY-TOM) and ZENDAYA, increasingly unsure why she agreed to be in these movies, are swinging through the city.
Welp, we made Spider-Man get all his tech from Tony Stark
and immediately sent him into space, so I guess the whole
concept of a “friendly neighborhood Spider-Man” catching
bank robbers is shot all to hell.
At least I’m still like the only character in the entire MCU
who still does the classic comic book secret identity thing.
They can never take that away!
Suddenly, crackpot conspiracy theorist J.K. SIMMONS appears on every LCD panel in the city, and with perfect sound, somehow.
This just in! Spider-Man is actually Tom Holland! And J.
Jonah Jameson is actually J.K. Simmons in everything!
Forever! And Zendaya is actually a crisis actor!
(FaceTiming JACOB BATALON)
Dude! Is Disney ever going to let this character just
breathe a little bit in this universe? We just finished
Endgame and have already written ourselves into such a
corner that the only way out is a goofy continuity-shredding
Yeah, this isn't DC Comics; it’s not like there’s some
character in the roster like The Flash, whose powers are
nebulous and limitless who can just declare a crisis event
and reboot things like magic!
That’s it, Jacob! Magic! We can just sprinkle magic into any
movie now and undo anything we want! We can continue just
throwing everything out there in post-credits sequences
On the theme of no consequences, CHARLIE COX as ALMOST DAREDEVIL shows up to assure TOM that, no matter what else happens, he won't spend the film's runtime in JAIL.
Look everyone, it's ME, NETFLIX’S MATT MURDOCK! Aw yeah,
this is a major moment, the first time somebody from the
Defenders continuity graduates into the MCU proper!
It says here that Kingpin showed up on Hawkeye about eight
hours before this movie debuted.
... Well, now he’s just being petty.
INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM
TOM realizes it's been over 10 minutes of a SPIDER-MAN MOVIE focusing on SPIDER-MAN, so naturally, he needs to pull in SOME OTHER AVENGER, and BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is STILL ALIVE.
Mr. Strange Lastname, I need you to mind wipe the entire
planet for me. Also, digitally delete every recording of
J.K. Simmons revealing my identity, and of course the
original Mysterio recording, the newspapers with my friends'
pictures on them, all the protest signs people made up with
my face on them, and everyone’s phones who recorded one of
the telecasts on every television in Times Square.
No way, kid, I’m not going to do something world-altering
just because your life is harder now.
It’s not that, sir. It’s because my random teenage friends
you’ve never met didn't get into their first choice of
Uh, that’s worse. Remember when I was more than ready to
toss you out into the cold in exchange for protecting a
glowing green rock? I'm clearly heartless.
Never mind, screw it. In a decision so out of character for
me that it spawned a popular fan theory that I’m actually
Mephisto or Evil Strange, I’ll go ahead and Eternal Sunshine
the entire planet just for you.
BENEDICT WONG shows up, his bags packed for a long trip which totally makes sense when the guy can just open a portal to his dresser any time...
Cumberbatch, don’t cast that spell. It’s too dangerous and
also extremely lazy writing.
Okay, but what if you only say that in the trailer and in
the actual movie don't really give a crap?
Works for me; I have a second Marvel check to cash with ...
(reaches into obligatory MCU cameo grab bag)
Abomination? Damn, that's so random it's worth making fun of
INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM’S WET BASEMENT
In the BASEMENT, BENEDICT begins gesticulating wildly while hoping the CGI WIZARDS at DISNEY paint enough orange wisps on the screen that nobody sees how stupid he looks.
Alright, the whole world is about to forget that Tom Holland
is Spider-Man, which is exactly what Sony keeps threatening
Disney with every time they have to renegotiate the rights
to this character.
Oh wait, can you make an exception for Zendaya? I don’t
think I could ever replicate the circumstances that led to
me pulling THAT again. I mean, I’m okay, but, you know?
Fine, your girlfriend will remember whatever it is she sees
Oh, and my best friend Jacob, he should know, too!
What? A serious relationship, I can understand, but the guy
who keeps showing up hairless on late-night talk shows
looking like a toe wearing a Hawaiian shirt? I draw the
Oh, shoot, and my Aunt Marisa Tomei should really know!
LITERALLY, YOU CAN JUST TELL ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AGAIN,
BENEDICT becomes so distracted that he screws up the spell that requires so much concentration to do correctly that he probably shouldn’t have invited a spectator.
EXT. NEW YORK - BRIDGE
With the spell having failed, TOM considers PLAN B after almost gaslighting the entire universe: SAYING PRETTY PLEASE.
(knocking on car window)
Hello? MIT person? We were desperate to find any function
for Tony Revolori this time, so he happened to know that I
could find you here.
I'm the Vice-Chancellor! Is this a Lori Loughlin situation?
I'm not saying no, just clarifying. Oh no, the bridge is
suddenly being attacked by
(extensive contract negotiations)
DR. ALFRED MOLINA!
That’s right, bwa ha ha! Hello, Spider-Man! I’m here to
cause general chaos and destruction while carefully avoiding
fatalities because I have a historical vendetta against
Against me? Phew, honestly after two movies of my villains
mostly hating Tony Stark it’s kind of refreshing you hate me
Wait, a second, you’re not Peter Parker. I don’t hate you at
all. I hate the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man! Gosh, I wonder if
he'll show up; back in my universe, we don't have the
internet to leak the worst-kept secret in Hollywood.
(flying through a portal)
And I'm here too, cackling incessantly and hoping I don't
run out of Pumpkin Bombs which I can't make more of here in
Oh good, the permanence of character death has been a real
problem in the MCU, I’m glad we’re rectifying that across
film franchises too.
Suddenly TOM and ALFRED are teleported back to the SANCTORUM, while WILLEM presumably murders everyone on the bridge in the R-RATED version.
INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM'S DARK WET BASEMENT
BENEDICT captures ALFRED in a GLASS JAIL FOR BAD GUYS borrowed from the sets of every other action movie made in the last decade.
Tom, the spell backfired! It did the exact opposite of
making people forget you’re Spider-Man!
It made people who forgot suddenly learn I was Spider-Man?!
What? No. Obviously, it opened a rift in the fabric of the
multiverse and instantly transported to our world other
versions of people who know you’re Spider-Man! And Venom, for
some reason, who doesn’t know that!
Bit of a stretch, but sure. Wait! The multiverse is basically
infinite, so there must be like 600,000 variants of Aunt May
walking around New York!
And of course, characters who likely know the identity of
Spider-Man at SOME point in time, in SOME universe where we
fought, but that didn’t happen to have had a Sony movie made
with them like Kraven, Morbius, Scorpion, Jackal, Black Cat,
Hydro-Man, Hobgoblin, Chameleon...
No, listen, it’s only the major fanservice villains. But not
all of them — Disney “lost” James Franco’s number.
...Silvermane, Molten Man, Prowler, Grizzly, Human Fly,
Alistair Smythe, Jack O’Lantern, Spot, Black Tarantula,
Panda-Mania, Sin-Eater, Vermin, Doppelganger, Proto-Goblin,
damn, I fight a lot of goblins, Hippo, Screwball, another
Thanos, if you think about it...
Just stop questioning the paper-thin justification for all
this fan wankery and enjoy it. Now, go capture all of the
other bad guys who were transported here because they know
you're Spider-man. And since there's no way to actually know
if that's why a crazy villain shows up, just capture anyone
doing weird stuff, and it'll work out.
Right. Would this be a good time to call up all the other
Avengers you know, or are you leaving the theoretically
infinite number of dangerous supervillains to me and my two
Damn, right I am. But I will offer some StrangeTech to add to
all your DowneyTech just to make you even more indebted to
This arm thingie has a magical whip that instantly teleports
any bad guy into a magical prison cell that is invulnerable
to all their powers.
There is a LONG, LONG PAUSE.
... so, could we have used this against Thanos or ...
NO, WE COULD NOT, AND WE'LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN AFTER THIS
OBLIGATORY NEW OUTFIT SPIDEY-TOM goes to investigate some strange person flying around in the forest, and naturally, this turns out NOT to be someone from one of the many MCU properties taking place at the same time with flying weirdos. Instead, it's JAMIE FOXX, the least-embarrassing villain from his franchise.
Spider-Man? Somehow I recognize you despite you wearing a suit
that's even more different from the one I'm familiar with
than the one you thought would pass for a totally different
superhero in your last movie.
Look, I just need you to go back to your universe; you are
way too cool for this one. Everyone here is like a nonstop
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Spider-Man! I'm here too, and there's no time for
introductions in this movie that is somehow as long as
Infinity War. How can I help you?
I won't question any of this. Ground is super effective
against Electric-type. Random Sand Monster, I choose you!
They fight and eventually all end up back in CUMBERBATCH'S INESCAPABLE TORTURE BASEMENT.
EXT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM'S DARK WET BASEMENT
EVERYONE gathers to brainstorm what the hell to do with this stacked cast, knowing it will never happen again.
I remember I was about to be stabbed by my glider, when
suddenly I wound up here WITH my glider not stabbing me, and
with my mask, which I had already lost by that point in the
Okay, yes, everyone who got transported here died fighting
Spider-Man! And Venom, for some reason, who didn't.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
But Spider-Man and I were cool by the end of my movie; we
shared a bro-cry, so I don't really understand why I'm here
or why I can't seem to be not always made of sand.
I didn't die either — in fact, I was cured and spent my life
protecting Peter Parker from jail, so why the hell did I get
zapped here from like the exact 2 hours of my life when I
was a lizard?
Oh, hi, everyone. I'm in the movie too, but The Lizard is so
uninteresting that Benedict captured me offscreen, and I'll
be spending most of the movie "waiting in the van."
Okay, look, some of you were about to die; some of you
weren't, Rhino isn't here, you're all from different
universes AND different points in time, Topher Grace didn't
show up. This entire premise is an absolute mess, and we all
know it! Now I need to send you all back to die; it's your
This from the guy who reset the timeline 400 times to stop
his girlfriend from dying in a car wreck that she was
CLEARLY meant to die in?
That wasn’t me technically! Stop referencing non-yet-canon
animated multiverse stuff in this CGI multiverse movie,
that’s the post-credits scene's job! Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need to leave the movie because I'm too powerful to be
in much more of it.
BENEDICT and TOM duke it out in the MIRROR DIMENSION like TWO BIG NERDS, and TOM defeats BENEDICT with the POWER OF MATH, which seems like a dismissive joke we're making but is the ACTUAL EXPLANATION.
INT. JON FAVREAU'S APARTMENT
Still riding high from his mirror dimension fight, TOM decides to completely overstep his bounds by inviting all the villains into JON FAVREAU'S CONDO to CURE them of their VILLAINY.
Yeah, this should take roughly one afternoon or so. You guys
can thank DowneyTech for once again solving one of my
seemingly insurmountable problems.
The group of science geeks tinkers around happily for the length of a cheery montage and even manages to successfully CURE ALFRED MOLINA.
Looks like I'm back to being miserable purely by choice.
Hold up, my Someone-Is-Still-Evil-Sense is tingling...
(scans the room)
MWAH HA HA IT'S ME, OBVIOUSLY! These other schmucks aren't in
my league; they rely on extensive CGI to be threatening
while I only need MY OWN GODDAMN FACE.
CALAMITY ENSUES! Most of the baddies disperse while VILLAIN DAFOE slams TOM through countless concrete walls and floors, but TOM will somehow only worry about broken ribs.
I feel... a poignant moment... taking over me...
(grabs a nearby comic book)
With great power, there must... yeah nope, I can't even say
it with a straight face.
I've been waiting my whole life for anyone to say those
words to me.
Who'd have thought that with everything else going on, we
still had time to cram in a classic comic book fridging?!
INT. JACOB'S DINING ROOM
While TOM is busy crying in the rain, JACOB and ZENDAYA contemplate their carbs.
We could really use an uplifting cameo right about now after
that parade of sadness that we presumably found out about
via shockingly specific news footage on the TV.
(accidentally half-opens a portal)
Oh hey, that could work. I'll open up portals until we find
Tom. Or until we find someone cool enough to make us forget
about this plan to find Tom.
A legit PORTAL opens and out steps... ANDREW GARFIELD, who unmasks in front of strangers IMMEDIATELY.
Alright, guys, I know what you’re going to ask, and no, I am
not in the new Spider-Man movie. I’m just a Photoshop; I’ve
never met Tobey Holland; in fact, I’ve never even heard of
Everyone taps their fingers, angrily trying to tolerate the longest scene in the history of the world until FINALLY another PORTAL opens, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD TOBEY MAGUIRE steps through, causing Moviebob’s heart to literally explode in his chest.
Hello Spider-people. Wow, I remember when Sam Raimi was like,
“My third Spider-Man movie was only a trainwreck because
Sony crammed a third villain into it,” and look at us now.
Three full Spider-Men and five villains, but somehow not six
in a sinisterly missed opportunity.
Anyway, now we need a plan to find Tom since previously
there was no plan whatsoever for finding Tom. Is there
anywhere significant he likes to go? Preferably somewhere
from earlier in this movie, we're taxing the audience's
memory enough as it is.
EXT. SPIDEY'S CRY-DEY HIDEY ROOFTOP
SPIDERS TOBEY and ANDREW show up on the roof to give TOM a BROTHERLY PEP TALK.
I know what you’re dealing with, Tom. I tragically lost my
Uncle Ben and never got over the guilt; it’s sort of my
Well, I have guilt over smashing Emma Stone’s head open. I
was gonna say the Uncle Ben thing too, but Tobey stepped on
my line there; thanks a bunch.
This pep talk about how miserable life is for apparently
every Spider-Man in every universe worked somehow. Okay, so
we need to conclude both of your unfinished stories, create
new endings for the villains that unceremoniously died in
your films, and reset the timeline in the MCU going forward.
Right, and we need to do that without alienating all the
significant others who got dragged to see this movie without
watching 5 previously-unrelated Spider-Man films of wildly
varying quality beforehand.
Bwahahaha, just kidding, screw ‘em! Unleash the firehose of
Every ICONIC MOMENT from every previous film is awkwardly shoehorned in as A CHILD who has managed to collect every SPIDER-MAN BRAND action figure plays around for the next 40 or so minutes -- except this CHILD is GROWN-ASS DIRECTOR JON WATTS and he has a $200 MILLION PLAYSET.
EXT. THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, NOW WITH ACCESSORIES
SPIDEY-TOM uses J.K. SIMMONS'S online show to lure all the VILLAINS.
Okay, we've planted our magical — sorry, SCIENCE cures all
over the statue. When all the baddies show up, we'll enact
our brilliant strategy of just kind of winging it and hoping
this works! We rule!
All the VILLAINS show up and start STOMPING SPIDER-ASS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.
I think we need a new strategy. How about instead of "not
working together" ... we try "working together"?
That just might work! Together! But first, let's take another
ten minutes or so comparing Spider-notes, I mean it's more
entertaining than the random incomprehensible fighting
Good idea Andrew, you're ... "Amazing"! Did I wink hard
enough when I said that? Let me try another dozen times.
Now let's compare IMDB and Metacritic scores to figure out
who should be "Peter 1", "Peter 2", and Andrew.
Obviously, I'm "Peter 1", I'm in the Avengers! And I fought
Thanos, alongside the Guardians of the Galaxy and the Thor
Ragnarok gang and all the sorcerers and none of that really
has anything to do with me personally, but anyway, that's why
I'm the best incarnation of this character, according to the
people who wrote this one and not the others.
The battle RESUMES, and RHYS and THOMAS are cured!
Surprise, I'm back and ready to help defeat exactly one
(cures Jamie Foxx)
Ah, my work here is done. Good luck with Dafoe!
At this point, CUMBERBATCH realizes we're near enough to the end that he can come back.
(emerging from portal)
You’ve been using my sling ring? I had to be stranded on a
mountaintop and almost die to learn that from Tilda. Come to
think of it, maybe she was just messing with me... anyhoo,
time to push the big movie-ending button...
However, a DAFOE BOMB explodes the MAGICAL GIZMO causing EVEN MORE MULTIVERSE RUPTURES!
Argh! Looks like I'm gonna be busy straining and gesturing
again, good luck with Dafoe, guys!
ZENDAYA almost falls to her death, but SPIDER-ANDREW saves her! With him stuck in the PERSONAL RESOLUTION ZONE, it's up to the other two Spideys...
Argh, I'm gonna stab you with your own glider, Willem! Oof,
this is really heavy.
No Tom, don't! Don't stab him! Stabbing is wrong!
I set myself up for that.
SPIDEY-TOM good-stabs WILLEM with SCIENCE JUICE, making him safe again. ANDREW GARFIELD CRIES, then TOM HOLLAND CRIES, the AUDIENCE CRIES, and TOBEY MAGUIRE wonders why he took so much flack for crying in his movie.
Can't... close... ruptures! All kinds of intellectual
properties... going to invade! I swear that's the silhouette
of a Hostess Twinkies ad coming through.
What if you do the original spell, though? Where everyone
forgets they know I'm Spider-Man? Except for this time, it's
worse for some reason?
I can't think of any reason why MORE mind erasure would
reverse this spell any better while I'm even more distracted
but I'm going to go with it mostly because I want to punish
you for making me go see the Grand Canyon; very overrated.
BENEDICT starts doing the new SPELL, and all the FAN SERVICE CHARACTERS start disappearing back to THEIR OWN MOVIES.
Thank you for saving me from my fate, guys! Now instead of
dying I can just be imprisoned, my reputation utterly
destroyed, my company subsequently ruined, my son hating me
forever, huh maybe you guys didn’t do me a favor after al—
Meanwhile, I’ll head back to my climax, where this time I’ll
have regained my sanity and morals and reclaimed control
over the tentacles!
Oh, that already happened the first time. You died anyway.
Thanks for summoning me for one last round in the red and
blue suit, it's been fun to take a break from all my other
acting work as...
(scrolls IMDB... keeps scrolling... further... all the way
back to 2017)
The Boss Baby Narrator?
I had fun too, or at least I would have if I was in this
movie, which I'm not. Glad I could save your girlfriend,
Tom. That doesn't rub salt in the wound at all, knowing that
I definitely had the skill to save my own and just ...
Everyone vanishes back to their universes, resetting the continuity within the MCU while leaving the multiverse door open for Marvel to just downright do whatever the everloving crap they want next and you dumb dorks will slurp it up.
Well, Zendaya, I guess this is the end of the road. You’ll
forget we were ever a couple, and our relationship will be
wiped from reality. I just wish we could have more time,
even one more day - OH NO, we’re accidentally doing THAT
story!! ABORT ABORT ABORT!
END (BUT NOT REALLY)
INT. MEXICAN BAR - MID-CREDITS SCENE
TOM HARDY is drinking and cussing and talking about SPIDER-MAN.
Hi Kevin Feige! It’s me, Tom Hardy! The character from the
Venom franchise that you clearly hate! Like the way we just
wrote ourselves into the MCU with no regard for continuity?
BWAR HAR HAR, AND YOU CAN'T SUE SONY BECAUSE YOU NEED THESE
CHARACTERS TO SURVIVE, ALMOST LIKE THE COMPANY IS A PARASITE
FEEDING OFF YOUR BOX OFFICE CACHE AND YOU'RE IN A SYMBIOTIC
RELATIONSHIP WITH OH I GET IT.
Pack your stuff and get the hell out. You wrote yourself
into my universe with a post-credits gag, and I can write you
right back out with one.
But I just got here! I actually say this, along with every
member of the audience!
KEVIN kicks the LESSER TOM H. through a portal right back to SONYLAND.
Leave the franchise.
Take the symbiote.
The AUDIENCE looks pretty pissed about this, so MARVEL just drops the entire MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS TRAILER in lieu of filming a real post-credits scene.
Top Image: Sony Pictures