6 Implied Storylines That Turn Our Favorite Shows Horrifying
Every so often, we decide stories are boring, and we need to cook up our own wild theories. "What if Frodo was actually an astronaut in cryosleep?" we say, and then we pretend this idea makes any sense whatever.
But plenty of stories leave no need for such theories. The wild and crazy truths are right there, hiding in plain sight.
The Office Revealed A Man’s Whereabouts To The Yukuza, Who Killed Him
The Office is a simple show about a man who killed himself and all of his coworkers who didn't even notice he died. But that's old news and never really came up in the show itself. Instead, in the show we see, a crew are simply filming for what eventually becomes a miniseries aired on television for all to see. The finale shows our favorite characters dealing with their newfound stardom, and moving on past their already seen lives.
Except for one minor character, who we really should've checked up on. See, Hidetoshi is a warehouse worker. Before that, he was a surgeon in his home country … which he ran away from, to escape the Yakuza, before going under hiding with an assumed name.
Which is all well and good. Up until this interview is shown to hundreds of thousands of people and becomes the subject of talk shows and reunions. This later reunion catches up with a lot of people involved in the series throughout the years, but there's one man no one can catch up with. Because the Yakuza surely killed Hidetoshi as soon as NBC aired his personal details everywhere.
Honestly, the most depressing thing about this theory is that if the producers had realized it, they could’ve been the ones to cross over with Brooklyn 99 instead of New Girl. And speaking of terrible things Brooklyn 99 has done …
Brooklyn 99 Let Serial Killers Free
Brooklyn 99 is the fantasy show about cops that are actually good and useful. The series follows Jim and Pam-lite as they bumble around an office, fall in love, and eventually conspire to release dozens of convicted criminals and serial killers back onto the streets.
See, during the sixth season, the evil police Commissioner (because even a show with Police==Good as the baseline can't ignore reality completely) starts an anonymous tip line … that's used to launder information he gathers from illegal wiretapping. Commissioner Dickweed is shown to have put dozens of criminals behind bars, including serial killers.
The Brooklyn 99 crew conspire to expose the wiretapping operation. So what happens to the criminals caught using the fruit of that poison tree? We're guessing they go free, serial killers included. Great job, Jake and Amy. Letting suspects go just because it’s the "right" thing to do? And you call yourselves cops!
Korra Ended The World
Korra is the Avatar, the latest in a long line of benders, who brings balance to the … four tribes of benders. Except, the thing is, Korra might've made her worst enemy real?
See, Korra is a representation of (to make this easier if you haven’t seen the show) we’ll call them the Jedi. It's a pure god-like force of good, that is balanced by (just to make things easier) the Sith, this extreme evil. However, neither can win out against the other, because if they ever do, the forces of nature will unbalance, and whoever was defeated will be reborn, stronger, from the other one.
If, for instance, the Avatar destroys the latest incarnation of the Sith, then it would eventually reform as a child of the Avatar, coming back with more power than any single tribe, able to bend all elements, including spirit. It would be an Anakin Skywalker, except they can do force lighting.
Except, that's exactly what Korra did in Season Two. Yeah, see, in Season Two, Korra is faced with her dark rival, an Avatar of the dark entity Lord Pal—uh, Vaatu. After a long fight, she manages to destroy it. This all but ensures that years later, there'll be a Force Awakens-esque tale of the fabled Avatar who turns completely evil and oh my god, Star Wars is just a sequel to Avatar.
Does Arrested Development's Barry Zuckerkorn Have AIDS?
Barry Zuckerkorn is one of the most perennially embarrassed characters in Arrested Development history—this in a show in which a failed magician regularly sets himself on fire, a teenager has a crush on his cousin, and Buster exists. One of his most defining characteristics is sleeping with literally anyone who will take his money, regardless of gender, appearance, or safety, which has led fans to ask one question: Did Old Fonz have AIDS?
See, in the show, in addition to his other odd skin conditions, Barry discovers bruises that he can't explain. This is a setup that's never pays off, as far as we can see. So, all we have is that the show is calling these bruises some kind of chronic symptom for Barry, a man whose risky sex life is a running joke. This leads us to one conclusion.
It’s all just a dream the Fonz is having. That’s happier. Let’s stick with that one.
Pearls Are Just Trophy Wives/Slaves
Steven Universe is the hit television show about cookie cat ice cream, singing songs with family, and genocide.
The show is about a found family of Amethyst, Pearl, Garnet, and Steven Universe, a young human boy raised by a group of hard light constructions emanating from sentient gems, of which his mother was one—a famous rebel named Rose Quartz who rebelled against the colonizing Diamond armada. Eventually, we explore his mother's relationships with everyone, including Pearl, who turns out to have been her ex-girlfriend, still occasionally bitter over Steven's mother ending up with his father instead of her. When Steven was born, she kidnapped him, and refused to believe that he wasn't just his mother and current leader, Rose Quartz.
Except, as it turns out, he is, a bit? He doesn't have her memories but he eventually discovers he has all of her powers—all the powers of a spoiler alert Diamond. Because, it turns out, his mother was a leader in disguise as a rebel. Earth was her colony and she was too scared to face her sisters to actually rebel, so she hid, staged a war, and ruined countless lives, instead of owning up to what she wanted. But that's not the worst thing she did—Pearl might be.
See, Pearls in Steven Universe are created beings—created for the Diamonds, to serve them. As toys. One of them is treated too roughly by Pink and is replaced by another Pearl, the main Pearl … who Pink Diamond then has a full relationship with. Then a homeless dude who lives in a van cucks her so hard PD ends up pregnant, leaving Pearl—a being designed to serve and who Pink Diamond had a relationship with—heartbroken and alone.
Which is all made worse by the fact that Pink Diamond has such total control over Pearl that if she tells Pearl not to speak of something, she physically cannot do so for centuries. It’s like if the Purple Man were the hero's mom, and not the main villain.
Jared Leto Preyed On Alexis Rose When She Was A Child
Alexis Rose from Schitt's Creek has had … an exciting life. She's like Paris Hilton if she were real! She's like if Cher from Clueless wasn't old! She's like the worst nightmares you have about what could happen to celebrity children, but funny!
One of those amusing stories she tells is about Jared Leto being her first kiss. Aw, a wacky story about how our favorite character was connected to yet another randomly famous name.
Except, Alexis talks a lot about her love life, and she mentions multiple flings, hookups, dates, and make-out sessions with people running throughout her high school career. That first kiss of hers therefore had to be when she was in high school at the latest, and maybe came even earlier than that. How old was Jared Leto at the time? Oh, a good 15 years older than she was. And we don't know if this encounter ended with just a kiss.
Definitely, we need to hold Jared Leto accountable for this incident with a fictional character, which occurred in our heads. Either that or, well, for all the things he's done in real life just by being Jared Leto.
Tara Marie’s favorite fan theory is this is all Garfield’s dream. Tell her your theories @TaraMarieWords or just buy her comic and make up your own theories! Is it okay to call it my comic when I don’t own the Trailer Park Boys? We’ll see!
Top image: NBC