When the cast of the new Mario movie was announced in the most recent Nintendo Direct, the internet was, uh … not completely thrilled. Maybe you heard. Sure, there were some fun choices, but by and large, the casting seemed odd, especially since many of the characters already have voice actors who were conspicuously missing. People started throwing out ideas for who they would cast as any of the iconic cartoon weirdos we know and love, and by the time the week was over, there wasn't a person on the planet that didn't have an opinion about the movie.

Rather than make yet another Who Should Really Wear Toad's Diaper? article, we decided to take a look back at the 1993 Super Mario Bros. movie. Because whatever thoughts you have about the current lineup, nothing can possibly be weirder than the movie that gave us this elevator scene.

John Leguizamo vs. Charlie Day

When we think of Luigi, we think of the doofy, gangly younger brother. Right off the bat, John Leguizamo absolutely towers over Charlie Day (in that he is exactly 1 inch taller than Day). But there's no one alive doofier than Charlie -- we all know that Luigi would love a Milksteak. Charlie Day does strike me as the better Luigi, but the new movie should still reach out to Leguizamo as he's apparently the only one who can make the script work.

Samantha Mathis vs. Anya Taylor-Joy

Peach is, above all else, a princess. When it comes to being used to power and moving among the elite, Samantha Mathis takes the cake as the current Vice-President of SAG-AFTRA and a regular on Billions. But Anya Taylor-Joy might be even more comfortable as royalty after The Queen's Gambit. Hopefully, we get to see Peach have some genius-level hallucinations. Overall, I think Anya Taylor-Joy is probably overqualified for a role that tends to involve nodding when Mario talks or screaming when Bowser carries you away.

Dennis Hopper vs. Jack Black

We should take a moment and appreciate that the director of Easy Rider was also cast as Bowser in the first-ever Mario Movie. It's absolutely insane that Dennis Hopper kicked off his villain career with the King of Koopas and then went on to be the villain in Speed (in which I can only assume he's an evil bus) and Waterworld (in which I can only assume he's an evil whale).

But come on. Jack Black. Jack Black! We're all excited for Jack Black to be Bowser. To be honest, the worst part of this casting is that it's not a live-action role. You know we'd get some excellent physical comedy if we could get Jack Black in a big green shell. 

Bob Hoskins vs. Chris Pratt

Bob Hoskins was an affable and naturally talented actor who's immortalized for his role in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Chris Pratt is an increasingly religiously nutty goofball who's immortalized for his role of Andy in Parks & Rec. Let's be absolutely honest- neither of them makes any sense at all as Mario. 

Mario is a three-foot-tall Italian Plumber who, as far as I know, basically only communicates by asserting his identity, short exclamations, and Wahs. He has a lot of friends, one outfit, and plays every sport known to man. No human could ever live up to the absolutely wild idea of being Mario. Hoskins was cast, I think because he fit a silhouette they wanted on a poster, and Pratt was probably chosen because someone at Nintendo watched The Lego Movie and forgot he is Hollywood's Worst Chris. If you're one of the many people mad that Chris Pratt got this role, you can take some solace in the fact that Hoskins said Mario was "the worst thing ever did" and "a f** kin' nightmare."

Overall, the casting decisions for the new movie definitely leave some room for improvement, but at least it probably won't take place in Dinohattan.

Top Image: Walt Disney

 

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