The Stuff You Never Knew You Never Knew You Needed
This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.
John Smith might not have known mountains have voices, but Pocahontas didn't know about capitalism, so who really never knew they never knew stuff, huh? If Pocahontas had seen this post, she would be smashing the "buy" button, especially knowing that, for a limited time, she could get $10 in store credit for spending $50. That idiot thought the wind had colors, so you will really want to check out these solutions to problems you thought you just had to live with until the blue corn moon explodes.
Original IllumiBowl Toilet Night Light: 2-Pack
A Shark Tank favorite, this toilet night light is a beacon of hope and plumbing when you're stumbling to the bathroom at 2:30 in the morning and you don't want to turn on the overhead light and scald your eyeballs out.
Vibes Hi-Fidelity Earplugs + Attachable Cord
Adjustable earplugs that don't make you look like a dork? Like, what? These earplugs fit snugly in your ear and allow you to control how much sound actually gets through, so if you're still going to Slipknot concerts in your thirties, you can actually enjoy it.
BAKBLADE 2.0 Plus DIY Back Hair Removal & Body Shaver
When you're 12, body hair is a sign that you're becoming a man. When you're 30 and you don't have to put sunscreen on your back at the beach, that's a sign that it's time to get the BAKBLADE, a clever tool that makes shaving your back easy so you don't have to ask your long-suffering housemate to lend a hand.
ToilettTree Brush & Plunger Combo
You don't want to be spending $9.99 at Bed Bath & Beyond every two months when your toilet brush inevitably snaps in two like a Looney Tunes bit. It adds up fast. Instead, get this professional-quality brush and plunger combo so you can at least impress the plumber you have to call after Taco Fest 2021, when only the scariest-looking industrial equipment will do.
Smart Visual Ear Cleaner (Storage Box Version)
Did you know that your ears produce 25 pounds of earwax every day? That's not true, but you thought about it! That's why you should invest in this ear cleaner -- it'll give you peace of mind that your ears are nice and clean.
Jawzrsize(R) Facial Fitness: Total Transformation Kit
Don't like the way your face looks? Do something about it! This facial fitness tool actually works out your jaw muscles so you can get a more narrow, chiseled face over time. Don't think it can give you a butt chin, though.
SlimGlow: The World's First Bidet Attachment Featuring a Night Light
SlimGlow is like IllumiBowl, except with a special little upgrade. It still has the night light to guide you to paradise in the middle of the night, but paradise has a little secret: It's going to wash your bum for you. It wouldn't be paradise otherwise.
VentiFresh Plus: Next Generation Germ & Odor Eliminator Car Pack
They call it next generation because it uses the same technology as NASA to eliminate odor from the air. How crazy is that? These are the kinds of things they use to get rid of farts on the International Space Station. Now you can get them in your home!
VitalSleep Anti-Snoring Mouthpiece
Whether it's you or your partner that's the snorer, somebody needs to have mercy. This anti-snoring mouthpiece detects when the snoring starts and sends chill vibrations to settle your breathing and eliminate the sound.
Shyn Sonic Rechargeable Electric Toothbrush
Throw that old, fraying plastic toothbrush and janky dollar store whitening strips in the garbage where they belong. With Shyn's ADA-approved, award-winning premium sonic toothbrush and Rembrandt's one-week whitening kit, you'll have a top-notch setup for sparkling mouth bones that no one will be horrified to place their own gear next to.
Dr. Pen Skin Care Anti-Aging Tool Bundle
If you're reading Cracked, you can't be all that old, but maybe you're like the beautiful woman above, who has been conditioned by society to believe she's somehow not aging properly. In that case, you can get clinical-grade treatment at home with this set of facial glow applicators, body application tips, and hair and scalp rejuvenation tips. Don't listen to the haters. You're gonna live forever!
Contoured Gamer Chair with Tilt & Height Adjustable Seat
This chair is the real deal, with a height-adjustable lever that can be pulled out to recline the back up to 30 degrees and tension control knob below the seat for ease of movement. The durable steel five-star base has a cool, chrome finish and nylon casters that make it easy to move and give you an edge in your reenactment of Brooklyn Nine-Nine's roller chair derby. We're gonna miss that show.
Prices are subject to change.