Just Replace Mark Wahlberg With John Cena Already
Remember in 2017 when Kevin Spacey was exposed to the public for allegedly being the Kevin Spacey that Hollywood seemingly knew about for decades? And during that time, he was going to be J. Paul Getty in that hit movie I Bet All the Money in the World You Didn't See This Movie …
… but was replaced by Christopher Plummer?
And we all joked on the Internet about Christopher Plummer digitally replacing him in all of his past movies?
Well, this is a beefier, cakier, somehow whiter version of that. I want to replace Mark Wahlberg with a better, faster, stronger Mark Wahlberg. A Mark Wahlberg that shows hustle, loyalty, and respec-- Okay, okay, enough preamble, let's just replace Mark Wahlberg with John Cena already.
I'm not just talking about upcoming movies. John Cena should just be inserted into all of Mark Wahlberg's previous films. All of them. He's the perfect replacement-- Nay, he's the perfect improvement.
While one has more acting credits and the other has more pro wrestling championships, they are incredibly similar. Both are from Massachusetts, both are into weight training, and both freestyled their road to superstardom like this …
White rapping aside, John Cena and Mark Wahlberg are both meaty men of cinema, but Cena seems to somehow have more seasoning to his steak regardless of having lesser experience. As proven in Blockers, Trainwreck, and Suicide Squad, among other movies, Cena can be the butt of a joke and can deliver a joke because he doesn't allow his ego to get in the way of making stuff entertaining unlike Wahlberg.
Remember The Other Guys? It was better than you remembered, but imagine how much funnier it would be if Will Ferrell was bouncing off of wrestling-is-also-improv-sometimes John Cena rather than Wahlberg holding Adam McKay's hand off-camera? Wrestlemania matches aside, Cena's charisma and Dwayne Johnson's everything would have made Pain and Gain watchable and add to the cartoonish insanity that Michael Bay brings. Speaking of Bay, Cena beats Wahlberg by being in the most critically favored Transformers movie. The Happening, based on the script, just was never going to happen, but how much more it's-so-bad-it's-good it would have been if the facial expressions went from this …
To this …
Cena wouldn't just improve Wahlberg in Wahlberg's lesser films, but in his decent films, too. His action movies? Cena's The Marine has more beefy muscle and is just as much of a patriotic hit as The Shooter, Patriot's Day, Lone Survivor, and Let's Bang That Flag. Three Kings? Imagine the rigid, squared jawline rapport between George Clooney and Cena. The Departed? Cena looks more like a cop than anyone else on that cast. And Boogie Nights? Come on.
On top of the entertaining reasons why Cena should be Wahlberg's replacement, he has all of the positive Wahlberg qualities without the … Well, let's call it a "problematic past."
I mean, Cena doesn't only not have a teenage history of hurling rocks at Black kids or punching Vietnamese people, but he's a more open philanthropist. While Wahlberg does donate to good causes, it's embedded within his Catholic faith. On the other end, Cena secularly donates generously to charities and has set the Make-A-Wish record for granting the most wishes than anybody on Earth. And those kids didn't need to be baptized to see their hero.
So yeah, let's make John Cena the new Mark Wahlberg. Because honestly, he's too smart and successful to get into any controver--
Oh. Well, even though that is an insane apology on the wrong side of the intent to prevent an international incident, it's arguably not as insane as Wahlberg's apology about him violently, unrealistically preventing an international incident.
Top Image: Warner Bros.