Hilarious Historical Life Hacks (Using Animal Dongs)

Hilarious Historical Life Hacks (Using Animal Dongs)

We've all been there: You've got a bunch of leftover bits after slaughtering an animal, but you don't want yet another animal penis to take up precious space in the crisper. Even if you're not keen on eating a dick or grinding it down into homemade horse Viagra, there's no need to toss it off into the trash like a wastrel. Historical penny pinchers have figured out plenty of Budget DIY Hacks that will turn all surplus schlongs into everything from cute home decorations to your next big fashion statement.

Let's start with the most common faunal phallus found in the pantry: cattle cocks. Dried bovine penises have seen a plethora of uses throughout history. They make for great home defense weapons thanks to their impressive length and girth, with people on every cattle-bearing continent having used these chubs as leather clubs to beat off invaders. 

Albert Bierstadt

When ancient Americans boasted about using every part of the buffalo, they weren’t kidding. 

Outside of the home, a bulging bull pizzle also makes for a great travel accessory. From the 16th Century onward, particularly impressive members were stretched out during the leatherworking process and transformed into spindly walking sticks -- with the scrotum included as a convenient handle. If traveling on horseback was more your style, putting the pizzle through the wringer netted you a beautifully braided riding crop, a disciplinary tool used on disobedient horses and civilians to this day

Jens Kraglund, Wikimedia Commons

Nothing like whipping out your pizzle to show everyone who’s boss. 

For all the size queens and kings who prefer more than a handful, huge hogs have their own craft challenges. A handy DIY tip for dorks can be found in the most famous book all about whale penises, Moby Dick. In chapter 95, Herman Melville describes how whalers handled the sperm whale's impressive 9-foot-long pizzle. After the "grandissimus" was dragged ashore, a "mincer" would strip the dick, leave it out to shrink (it happens to the best of us), and then cut holes into the thick leather to make a full-body apron. 

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Joe Mabel, Wikimedia Commons

Being uncircumcised, they also work great as hoodies.

Big Baleen Chubs that didn't make the cut as coats still served many other pizzle purposes. Among seafaring types, they were prized as tobacco pouches, their natural insulation keeping the baccy from drying out on long sea voyages. It wasn't uncommon during the Age of Sail for Spanish, Portuguese and British sailors to complement each others' stuffed schlongs. 

Jan Saenredam

More like Virginia Thiccs. 

In addition to their water-resistant quality, whale penis leather's suede-like sheen makes them popular as maritime decor, from whale penis lamps to whale penis chairs. Jackie Kennedy's second husband, the shipping magnate and playboy, Aristotle Onassis, had all the stools on his yachts upholstered with supple whale foreskin just so he could tell his female guests they were about to sit "on the largest penis in the world."

George Onassis, Wikimedia Commons

In fairness to Jackie, this was only the second-worst atrocity she had seen done to a vehicle’s upholstery. 

On the other side of the schlong scale, small animal penises are proof that it's not the size that matters but what you do with it. Not made for romance, most mammalian penises contain a bone, the baculum, specifically shaped to fit into reluctant vaginas. But some of these boners aren't just perfectly shaped for penetration but for human application as well. Like the brown bear, whose baculum was used by early homo sapiens as a primitive awl to level up their leathercraft skills.

Didier Descouens, Wikimedia Commons

Stitching up animals with their own dick is a very top-of-the-food-chain move. 

Or the raccoon, whose crowbar-shaped boner is so good at winkling leftovers out of orifices that the American South has been using them as toothpicks for millennia. 

Mordicai, Wikimedia Commons

Everything’s bigger in Texas.

And we're still figuring out new and exciting ways to add pizzles to our everyday repertoire. Just look at the badger, whose todger bone was left unmolested until the Victorians figured out it made for the perfect tie clip

Ryan Biracree, Flickr

Now that’s what I call a power-tie.

So whenever you get your hands on an animal's pizzle, don't forget to experiment to your heart's content. Looking for cheap Airpods holders? Why not try the opossum's forked dickbone? Traveling to the Arctic? Save room in your luggage by turning a walrus' tentpole-like "oosik" into the ideal selfie stick. When it comes to severed penises, the only limit is your imagination. And your gag reflex.

For more weird penis tricks (no, not like that), check out Cedric’s Twitter

Top Image: Jan Saenredam

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