15 Full-On Bonkers Conspiracy Theory T-Shirts
Here we go again. Because I simply love nothing more than absolutely boning my Google algorithms by looking at some of the worst shirts that the internet has to offer, I figured let's go fully down the rabbit hole and take a look at some of the wildest conspiracy theory T-shirts that I could find out there. Unlike the tough guy or bad couple shirts, these are targeted at a slightly different audience. Where those others might find their way onto people who are clueless or tasteless, some of these are aimed at those who have truly lost their way.
And, I want to be clear here, I'm not saying that our government isn't full of lying monsters who absolutely do not want the best for us, but sometimes need to take a step back and just try to preserve what sanity that we can hang on to in these trying moments. So maybe don't crap out every out there idea into T-shirt form. That's not my decision to make, though, so I'll just scour the internet for some of the worst of the worst and make you guys look at them if I'm going to have to do the same ...
Honestly, talking with someone who has had their brain rotted by the internet looks a lot like this shirt. Though I may not agree with a lot of the talking points you'll find here, I do have to appreciate the shirt's ability to instantly signal that I should bang a U-turn and book it down the street the other direction.
They're not even remotely trying on this one, either. Just throwing out shit like "MATRIX" and "ALIENS." It's less conspiracy theories and just kind of cool sci-fi shit. The ones in the larger font are a lot of the internet whacko classics, but if you start to look closely, it's just things like Ever seen a cat's dick? Just one cat dick? Do they even have dicks? Have you thought about THAT? About cat dick? I don't mind the idea of a shirt that just questions things you maybe haven't thought enough about.
This is the version of the shirt above if the lunatic designing it took a graphic design class in junior college. But I really needed to pull this one because of that absolute banger in the middle: "PEARL HARBOR INSIDE JOB." I'd like to think I'm pretty plugged into the craziest nonsense that the internet has to throw my way, but I've never even heard this one. Is this a popular theory? At some point, everything becomes an inside job if you try hard enough.
Somewhere, someone's saying, "Oh, really, you actually think that Joey Chestnut is up there actually eating all of those hot dogs every July 4th? You goddamn sheep! The government installed a grinder inside of his asshole that chews up the dogs the second they drop down from his mouth and into his asshole because that's how the anatomy and body actually work. Hot dog goes into the mouth and drops into your asshole pocket to hang out before poop time. But, anyway, I'm getting sidetracked because there's so much you don't know, but Joey Chestnut is a sleeper cell government ploy faking hot dog eating to establish a Gulf of Tonkin-like scenario where we will start World War III from Coney Island in 2025 when Joey Chestnut kills Kobayashi Highlander-style to ring in the new globalist conflict. Sheeple."
Here's the scene: you're supposed to go to the Red Lobster at 3 pm for your mother-in-law's birthday, and you cracked your first Milwaukee's Best at 9:30 am. You're absolutely jacked the hell up to put back some Cheddar Bay Biscuits despite the fact that you hate your mother-in-law, mostly because she got the vaccine and is trying to get your wife to get it. But you don't want to cause a scene. Not again, at least. You already have to wear sunglasses and shave your head to get in because, during the last trip to Red Lobster, you waterboarded the server with garlic butter because you were convinced that they were running a child trafficking ring out of the back.
So, you're going to play it cool, Ray. You're going to suck back 10 or 12 more beers and throw on this shirt and let that sink in with your stupid mother-in-law. The shirt will do the talking this time.
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I would still rather hang out with this couple than another pairing wearing matching Disney T-shirts instead.
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If the very first thing your piece of clothing says is, "I'm not crazy," then you're in the top 50 craziest goddamn people in your county. The most unbelievable part of this entire setup is those shoes. There is no way the dude wearing that shirt would also be in those kicks. Even the standard dad shoe New Balance shout here isn't even remotely close. This man's footwear would be one TEVA sandal and a hollowed-out turtle with a couple of feet of rope strapped around it.
This is the good shit. This is for the truly wild conspiracy feller. It's not enough to just throw the greatest hits of conspiracy nonsense in people's faces; you need to get the goddamn Bible in there, too. If Noah was like these guys, his "boat" would have just been a 12-foot Tracker with no outboard, and he'd give no shits about saving any animals; he'd just be cruising around trying to hoard up every flavor of Bugles in his shitty town for his bugout bunker. Which is an above-ground pool filled with rainwater and dead birds.
One of the things these shirts, and the people who wear them, love to talk about is how much they are "questioning" things. How they are truly, deeply, critical thinkers that are out there poking holes that expose an entire leaky ship, waking up the global collective with their great investigative work. And, while I would love that, because, probably, many of the things some of them are critical of need a light shone on them, these guys don't actually do that.
They just talk about how they're so much smarter than us, how they truly know what's going on. But their questioning is usually just a Facebook status they wrote at 3 am after half a bottle where they link to an Angelfire page with their "evidence," and it's sandwiched between two other statuses saying that they're in the market for snakes and ferrets at a fair price, and a fair price only.
The reason you can't go back is because once you go flat, you have truly, fully, lost all contact with the rational world, and you now live so deeply online that you will never be pulled back to this real, round earth of ours.
How are these things even remotely relatable? You're just trying to show off your shitty hobby in tandem with your shitty scientific sense. His other version of this reads: "Not vaccinated. But I have a car, I swear to god. I am not getting that vaccine, but I do have a car. It's actually my mother's car. She lets me borrow it two to three times a week when the family of trash birds that live in the glovebox doesn't beak the hell out of me and actually lets me get behind the wheel. But I've got access to a shitty bird car sometimes, and I absolutely do not have that vaccine in me."
Whenever someone screams at you about how not stupid they are, you can be one thousand percent confident that they have gotten their dick stuck inside of a 7-Eleven taquito before.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 6
I love the idea of the guy wearing this kind of shirt giving his t-shirt collection the old "sniff test" in the hamper to eventually determine that this is the one that he'll go with today. The one with Fauci as a vampire smelled just a bit too much like the Marlboro Man's taint and, though he was really feeling rocking the shirt about not taking his guns, that one smelled like actual shit because he's been out of toilet paper for a week now. So, whatever, the 5G conspiracy shirt that smells like microwaved brackish water will have to do.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 5
I? What? Okay?
This one is just beyond satire. It is genuinely impossible to even relate on any level to someone who is reaching for this as their wardrobe choice for the day, and it's yet another reminder that we share this space with people who might as well be an entirely alien species to ourselves. We're all just in this chaotic fishbowl, trying to keep to ourselves, but the gods running this thing won't stop dropping in some exotic toothy hell fish from the Amazon in here with us, and it's turned into a goddamn battle royale in here.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 3
This list wouldn't be complete without a little something for the ladies. While this genre is, unsurprisingly, pretty dude-heavy, there was the occasional nice little number aimed at women, as well. If you're in Nashville for that bachelorette party and your matching bridesmaid t-shirt about how much wine you all love to drink is covered in barf, just reach for your cute, curly-font shirt about reptilians to barf on for night two.
And yet, even though we've seen some of the most longwinded, winding, absurd messages plastered across the limited real estate of a t-shirt, it's this one that I most love. A subtle simplicity that you will never find in this audience that truly signals a level of detachment that this is a person you better steer absurdly clear of. This is the pure, true conspiracy theorist, and he simply does not have room on one t-shirt to get into any more details than that.