Before we get to the X-Men ice-cream mutants, we have to talk about clowns. I know it’s weird to derail an article before it even starts, but though the road ahead may be rocky, you gotta chill because at the end of it, you will be baskin’ in scoops of pop-culture knowledge that will also be robin’ you of your sanity.

Between 1973 and 1983, Marvel published a satirical magazine called Crazy in an attempt to rip off Mad (can you imagine something so brazen and ludicrous?) For a while, their mascot was Obnoxio the Clown, a divorced, potty-mouthed, part-time entertainer who eventually migrated into the Marvel comic universe as an early prototype of Squirrel Girl, basically. As in, he was a joke character who had no real powers but could somehow hold his own against some of Marvel’s biggest heavy-hitters like the X-Men. More importantly, though, the first issue of his own book, Obnoxio the Clown Vol 1, introduced the world to Eye-Scream, X-Men’s first ice-cream-themed mutant.

Marvel Comics

In the comic, Eye-Scream has the power to turn into any flavor of ice cream that he wants, but instead of spending the rest of his existence living that cat life of sitting around his house licking himself (AND NOT GAINING WEIGHT), he, for whatever reason, didn’t like his powers. Not only that, he was jealous of the X-Men and their awesome abilities (sit your scrotum-ass down, Skin, I obviously wasn’t talking about you). So he decided to trash their mansion. Sure. Through a series of weird coincidences, he runs into Obnoxio and decides to kill him, an instinct that is shared by most sentient life on this planet. In the end, Eye-Scream gets frozen solid, Obnoxio decorates him like a sundae for that veiled threat of cannibalism that clowns always emanate, and the comic book ends. But its legacy lives in.

The world might have laughed at Eye-Scream, but one person was reportedly “a big fan” of his. I’m talking about the mutant Soft Serve, who has the (literally) cold-ass ability to poop ice cream. I cannot emphasize how much none of this is a joke. I mean, it is a joke, but it’s also a canonical joke.

Robert Quinn is a penciler on the recently released X-Men comic Way of X, where, by his own admission, he hid Soft Serve, an original creation of his, because the opportunity was there, and he is but a man. She’s hiding in the background of a full-page spread and is little more than a faceless character trying to shove an ice-cream cone in someone’s face, who then refuses it. Even without Quinn confirming that the character is indeed Soft Serve, you could instantly tell that there was a story behind that unidentified mutant. A disgusting story that’s basically an SFW version of 2 Girls 1 Cup, but a story nonetheless.

You want to know what’s really disturbing about Soft Serve, though? There are people in high school right now who won’t think about 2 Girls 1 Cup upon seeing the character because they weren’t even born when the video first came out. It’s 14 years old. It’s ancient internet history, and we are all so old, so very old, and all that could soothe us right now would be the ability to turn ourselves into ice cream, which we would goddamn appreciate, unlike someone.

Follow Cezary on Twitter.

Top Image: Marvel Comics

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