EDITOR’S NOTE: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT ACTUALLY EAT A TIDE POD, MOLTEN GLASS, OR ANY OF THE INEDIBLE OBJECTS LISTED BELOW. AMERICAN HEALTHCARE IS TOO EXPENSIVE FOR THESE SORTS OF SHENANIGANS.
Reader, have you ever found yourself craving the sweet, oozy burst of a fresh tide pod? Have you ever longed for the cool crunch of a glass marble? Do you secretly lust after the molten, viscous deliciousness of a lava lamp's insides? What's that you say? No? Never? You don't have a poison-induced death wish? Well, although you, my dear BoomXlennial reader are not of a detergent-snacking, skinny-jean shunning generation like yours truly, the concept of satisfying “forbidden” cravings has become a key part of the under-25 zeitgeist, so much so that one TikToker has taken it upon herself to supply her followers with non-lethal alternatives to all their favorite deadly snacks.
“I will be the first to say that there are all kinds of things that look delicious that simply are not edible,” TikTok user @ring.swald.egan said in a video published earlier this year. “but because I want Hank Green to be proud of me always, here are some things you can eat to satisfy those urges,” she continued, referencing the popular vlogger, who has made no secret of his desire to eat inedible, yummy looking objects, before listing her go-to alternatives for her favorite forbidden eats.
Craving the chewy goodness of the mini, water-filled balls known as Orbeezs? Try a spoonful of boba – no one's stopping you! Does the orange glow of molten glass speak to your palate? Avoid eating literal lava and treat yourself to some microwaved mochi! Still drooling at the thought of marbles? Suck on a jawbreaker.
After garnering more than a million views from those apparently craving nothing more than finding ways to eat their most cursed cravings sans a six-figure ER bill, @ring.swald.egan pressed forth, continuing the series listing decent alternatives for terrible, terrible foods, including swapping broken glass for hard candy, eating nerds out of a glass jar to mimic aquarium gravel, and enjoying edible whiskey pods in lieu of tide pods.
Got some more strange cravings? Don't worry! She's got you covered. Try gum instead of pencil grips, an oil and water solution for non-deadly lava lamp juice, and spring roll wraps instead of plastic sheets. Yummy!
So folks, in all seriousness, if you ever find yourself suddenly overcome by a terrible craving, please, please, please never attempt to eat dangerous, inedible objects – especially with so many delicious non-deadly alternatives at your fingertips. Happy (safe) snacking, friends!