The Perfect 'Game Of Thrones' Stage Play Already Exists

There are/were two kinds of Game of Thrones fans. Those who liked Ice and Fire's story for its nuanced dialog and intriguing politics and those who liked it for the CGI blood splattered over real boobs. And while neither got their druthers in the end, the former can at least hope for some satisfactory conclusion thanks to the upcoming Game of Thrones' theatrical adaptation.

Westeros is coming to the West End. To be premiered in 2023, two veteran thespians are currently writing a stage adaptation of Game of Thrones to return the Shakesperian greatness that was "George's inspirations for the original books." The play will revolve around the Great Tourney of Harrenhal. This event kicks everything off with the forbidden romance between Lyanne Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, the most famous off-screen ship since the one Gendry rowed away in Season 3. Set a decade before the main story, audiences will be delighted to see the return of everyone's favorite GoT characters, like Guy Who Gets Beheaded, Guy Who Gets Killed By A Pig, and Guy Who Gets Murdered On The Toilet. 

But why go through all that trouble trying to bring back a degree of ars dramatica back to GoT when everyone agrees it's just ass? Surely, it would be easier to create a theater experience more akin to how audiences remember the show now, as a silly pantomime play with overemotional ladies, logic-defying plots, and muttonchop-twirling villains? In fact, then you wouldn't even have to write an entirely new stage adaptation at all. That panto was already primed to hit the boards back when everyone still thought GoT was the best thing since sliced Sopranos in the form of the satirical Game of Thrones: The Musical.

This lengthy Red Nose Day charity sketch sees the cast of Game of Thrones reluctantly team up with Coldplay (who somehow aren't the most irrelevant pop culture reference in this video anymore) to turn A Song of Ice and Fire into A Song of "Starks, Lannisters, and Kardashians." With nothing but a piano and an overeager Ramsey Bolton, Chris Martin breaks new ground in the panto-musical scene by creating epic soundscapes such as "the first romantic ballad about incest in Coldplay's career."

Other belters include a tortuous love song (emphasis on the torture) between Ramsey Bolton and Theon Greyjoy …

An unintentionally ironic rock opera song heralding Tyrion's upcoming descent into pointlessness called "A Man For All Seasons" …

A version of "Wild Thing" called "Wildling" that makes use of Kit Harrington's most charismatic trait, his tight jeans ...

And the musical's showstopper, a reggae introduction to the Queen of Dragons where Daeynerys sings, "I'm a Rasta Targaryan / I got some dragons, and they're very scaryan," a character choice as logical as all the other ones she had in the final season.

Sure, the entire musical (which you can watch here) is one big joke, but so is Game of Thrones now. So why risk yet another serious attempt at a Westerosi drama not written by G.R.R. Martin when you can simply ride out what Benioff and Weiss turned the show into: the Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark of dark fantasy.

For more weird Westerosi tangents, do follow Cedric on Twitter. 

Top Image: Coldplay via YouTube