The internet demanded it, and if there's one thing we know for sure about the internet, it's that it's always a good idea to give in to its demands. The #SnyderCut is finally here! But did you know that there was an even more ultra-top secret version of the Justice League screenplay written but never filmed? We sent The Editing Room to Apokolips to procure the abridged version of it, having done so many times for us in the past.
A DISCLAIMER assures the audience that the BLACK SIDEBARS are ENTIRELY NORMAL for an IMAX FILM being watched exclusively on HOME TELEVISIONS.
EXT. END OF BATMAN V SUPERMAN
SUPER-CAVILL inspires a young kid by talking about how much he loves Earth. Just kidding, he SCREAMS IN AGONY AS HE IS GETTING BRUTALLY KILLED FOR THREE MINUTES
(in slow motion)
The SUPER-DEATH-SCREAM carries ALL AROUND THE WORLD and sets the COLOR SATURATION LEVEL to NEGATIVE A BILLION.
EXT. PART ONE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"
BEN AFFLECK rides a HORSE at LORD OF THE RINGS pace to JASON MOMOA'S tiny secluded fishing village.
Grr, piss off Ben! There's no special-powered people here,
especially not me, the hulking buff guy with glowing eyes!
Listen, Jesse Eisenberg was superimposed onto Krypton goop
when Super-Cavill died, and he saw an evil vision and warned
me, and I believe him, there, premise established. Join me!
JASON instead chooses to whip off his SWEATER and swim away, ending the scene on a down note as BEN gravely-
EUROVISION SONG CONTEST ALTERNATIVE FOLK GROUP
NAE NAE, this is the extended version we're not done yet!
We claim Momoa's discarded garments for our collection
as we solemnly sing the Soggy Sweater Song!
EUROVISION FOLK SINGER
(snorting Momoa's sweater)
SNRRRRKKKK AWWW YEAH THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT
EXT. VARIOUS SEPIA LOCATIONS
In Kansas, DIANE LANE is VERY SAD! Also in Metropolis AMY ADAMS is VERY SAD while carrying EMPTY COFFEE CUPS that are QUITE SAD INDEED!!
INT. LONDON BANK
A group of TERRORISTS led by classic villain HAT GUY have taken HOSTAGES and set a BOMB, but one baddie is caught by the lasso of WONDER GADOT!
Now talk, because you are in my lasso, which makes
people talk! Why are you terrorists storming this bank?
Why do you have a bomb? What's your plan?
Nyah ha, I shall talk since I am tied in your lasso of talking!
We stormed this bank so we could set off the bomb
and create terror because we are terrorists! Mwah ha ha!
So how many of these newly added scenes are
just repeating plot points five different ways?
I don't think you want to make him answer that.
WONDER GADOT leaps into action with her SUPER-SPEED that would seem to rival SUPER-CAVILL but later DOESN'T, and fires off a BRACELET SHOCKWAVE!!
Well, I bet in THIS version I'm a much more formidable--
The SHOCKWAVE PULVERIZES the TERRORISTS, DESTROYS half the BANK, and sends GIANT CHUNKS OF BUILDING RAINING DOWN ON THE COPS BELOW, CRUSHING THEM TO BLOODY PULP!
Stay in school, kids!
EXT. THEMYSCIRA - SUPER SECURE FORTIFIED VAULT WITH GAPING HOLE IN ROOF, GREAT DESIGN CHOICE THERE FOLKS
Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding a MOTHERBOX – an incredibly important object that won't be properly identified for another HOUR -- when CGIARAN HINDS teleports in with his PARADEMONS!
MWAH HA, IT IS I, STEPPENWOLF, THE MOST FEARED VILLAIN
TO BE NAMED AFTER A LATE-'60S CANADIAN ROCK BAND!
WITNESS MY NEW IMPROVED SPIKY ARMOR, THAT RENDERS
ME INVINCIBLE AGAINST ANYTHING EXCEPT WOOL
CGIARAN mops the floor and surrounding countryside with the AMAZONS and steals the BOX!
This is gravely serious; the world is in imminent danger.
We must warn Gal Gadot!
Like, eventually. Maybe after dinner, we gotta get our
imminent-danger-warning robes out of storage and whatnot.
Eventually, they get around to FIRING a WARNING ARROW to GREECE and GAL uses it to unlock the DARKSEID GIFT SHOP below the SHRINE OF THE AMAZONS, which must have quite an extensive basement if every possible threat has its own special room.
EXT. PART TWO - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"
At STAR LABS, head scientist JOE MORTON meets with some military people to deliver exposition to.
I see. Well, we're terribly concerned about all the staff who've
gone missing lately, so keep an eye out for them while we
continue to do dick all.
JOE heads home where his son RAY FISHER, the CYBORG, is!
Welcome home, Dad; hope you're ready for another daily dose
of my passive-aggressive resentment! Did you remember to
pick up milk or a PROPER APOLOGY FOR RUINING MY ENTIRE
LIFE?!? No, no, don't answer. Instead, help me check on the
potentially world-ending artifact we keep in the back of a closet.
Meanwhile, AQUA-MOMOA takes a break from filming men's fragrance commercials to stare at his DAD'S THRONE a bit.
(creates air bubble)
I must speak with thee! You cannot renounce your duties,
child of two worlds, Atlantean politics, I say!
I gotta ask, why does Affleck think it's such a huge deal that
I can breathe air? You're doing it right now. We all make
air bubbles to talk to each other.
I question your dedication to the offscreen political infighting
that has zero connection to this story!
(holds up bottle of Bad IntenseTM by Diesel)
INT. ABANDONED NUCLEAR FACILITY BAD GUY HQ - RUSSIA - NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OTHER 7100 RUSSIAN ABANDONED NUCLEAR FACILITY BAD GUY HQS FROM OTHER MOVIES
Meanwhile, CGIARAN HINDS makes an EVIL ZOOM CALL to a dark, gritty, lavalike being!
OH DARKSEID, I have great news! Ahem. "EXT. THEMYSCIRA.
Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding a MOTHERBOX -- an
incredibly important object that --"
No, I'm not Darkseid. I'm a different CGI dark, gritty, lavalike,
growly-voiced, generically pure-evil bad guy that reports to Darkseid.
I thought I was the only CGI growly-voiced, generically
pure-evil bad guy that reports to Darkseid.
Nope, apparently, this version needed THREE CGI growly-voiced,
generically pure-evil bad guys in various shades of grey
that either report to, or are, Darkseid.
Right. Anyway, "EXT. THEMYSCIRA. Meanwhile, AMAZONS
are guarding --"
INT. THE BAT-HANGAR
GAL drops by to tell BEN the NEW IMPROVED backstory, now with added DARKSEID!
Long ago Darkseid attacked Earth using three motherboxes and
the Anti-Life Equation, but was defeated by the combined might
of humans, Amazons, Atlanteans, Green Lanterns, the Iron Giant,
Back to the Future, and a cartoon of Gerard Butler from 300.
Darkseid retreated, leaving behind the boxes and the
Equation and he's been searching the galaxy for them ever
since despite having no reason to think they ever left Earth.
And I suppose the universe has been safer since then ...
Well apparently his crew still goes around destroying
worlds, so not really? But if CGIaran gets all three boxes we're
I guess our next move is to help the Atlanteans guard the second motherbox.
Nah, screw those posers. We could dedicate ourselves
to finding the third motherbox guarded by humans?
BOOOOOORRRRRR-ING. I wanna find more superheroes!
Let's find more superheroes.
EXT. PART THREE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"
Somewhere in CENTRAL CITY, your friendly neighborhood EZRA MILLER applies for a job at a DOGGY DAY CARE run by a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
I know I'm late, and my resume is torn and looks like shit,
but if I talk over you enough, can I have the job anyway?
Remember, I'm a Nice White Guy!
But outside, there is a CAR CRASH involving a MIDDLE-AGED TRUCKER DUDE and a CUTE YOUNG GIRL!
OH NOOO! Must activate Speed Force! Must shatter shop
window, causing thousands in damages, instead of opening
the door, which I have plenty of time to do! Must race
over to cute young girl, stare at her in mid-air, obsess
creepily over her features! Must grab this floating hot dog,
HAR HAR, as I continue to leer at her!
Oh, and, I guess, save her life.
(saves girl, then stares at her unconscious face some more)
I wonder if that trucker dude is okay or if he smooshed
any pedestrians I could have saved.
INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Meanwhile, RAY figures, if we're gonna have an entire CYBORG SOLO MOVIE crammed inside this thing we'd better get started. He remembers being a FOOTBALL STAR!
And once again, Ray wins the entire game all by himself!
Everyone moving in slow motion probably helped him
dodge tackles, but still, Ray is the greatest!! If only
his DAD were here to validate things, he has to settle for
just his MOM, poor guy! I bet her name's not even Martha!
After the game is a CAR CRASH that KILLS RAY'S MOM and almost HIM TOO, but JOE MORTON saves him using a MOTHERBOX!
Dammit, Joe, it's called a MOTHERbox, I'm just saying.
This is all YOUR fault, Joe! If YOU'D been driving, then you would
have instantly died and not been able to save either of us, and
we'd all be dead oops never mind.
I see now. My cybernetics and computer brain lets me fly
and control machines and ... hack into financial markets?
Seems like a bit of a random tangent, but okay.
We visit a VIRTUAL SPACE where a giant BULL and BEAR have a FISTFIGHT because ECONOMICS! Then RAY spies on a random WAITRESS who can only afford to live in a SECURITY CAMERA CLEARANCE WAREHOUSE.
After scrutinizing this woman's life 24-7, I deem her worthy
of not being poor! And so I use this absurd graphic
interface to stretch this small pile of money into a
LARGE STACK of money! There, no way will the bank
ever reverse this highly suspicious influx of money.
Don't suppose you'd consider using your god-level financial powers
to remedy more wide-reaching systemic causes of inequality?
Nah, I'm good.
INT. BAD GUY HQ
CGIARAN fires up GOONGLE HANGOUTS to chat with LAVA GUY.
Once more, allow me to summarize the events of this part of
the story! I used a Mind Spider to learn the Atlantean
Motherbox was, shockingly, in Atlantis. Not even Amber Heard's
formidable carbonation powers could stop me, so I took it!
And I see you've used the two motherboxes to create a large evil
dome! Yes, I'm recapping what happened earlier in this same scene!
MWAH HA HA HA, remember when I started this call and summarized how--
EXT. PART FOUR - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"
COMMISSIONER J.K. SIMMONS fires up the BATFLECKSIGNAL!
Hello Commissioner. I've brought along some of my super friends:
this is Wonder Gadot, you may remember her from 1984 when
we all got to wish our dead parents back to life only
to immediately give them up again, which reminds me,
THANKS FOR THAT. And this is Whizra Miller, I found him on 4chan.
Screw you guys; leave me alone! How can I help?
Here's a map of where all the kidnappings happened. If
we assume that Hinds is keeping his hostages in the exact center
of these points instead of back at his Russian base or
anywhere else on Earth since he can teleport at will--
But THIS spot is underneath a bunch of water, perfect
for unlocking our next character slot! Let's go!
The TEAM charges off and rescues the USELESS HOSTAGES who've provided NO INFORMATION by fighting CGIARAN HINDS to a DRAW and then RETREATING, and indeed the plot manages to TREAD WATER JUST ENOUGH to summon AQUA-MOMOA!
RAY retrieves his MOTHERBOX from HIS OWN GRAVE where he stashed it, an improvement from BACK OF HIS CLOSET but still not quite FORTRESS-LEVEL, what IS it with humans.
Now I'll use my TCM chip to show everyone this flashback to WWII
when the Nazis found the motherbox and basically HYDRA-ed
it all up. Like most Nazi shit, it eventually wound up in an American lab.
And then Joe used it to re-animate you, the SELFISH BASTARD,
which means ...
...we're all thinking Super-Cavill, right? Here, I'll project a
cute hologram of him flying to illustrate. And check it out;
I can make him breakdance too. Also--
YES, we're all thinking Super-Cavill. Especially because I'm convinced
these ancient motherboxes are specifically afraid of a
Kryptonian powered-up by Earth atmosphere, an event that
had never happened before they went dormant.
Not like you already have a teammate who beat the
guy who beat Darkseid standing right the here …
Meanwhile, AMY ADAMS and DIANE LANE are VERY VERY SAD but in the SAME ROOM! Also, DIANE is really CGI HARRY LENNIX which DOES NOT MATTER!
EXT. PART FIVE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"
The mission to revive SUPER-CAVILL is underway!
Right, we'll start off with the same plan as the theatrical cut: Ray
and Ezra will dig up Henry's corpse while Gal and Jason use their
super-strength to point and laugh at them. But this time, we'll
have Gal and Jason LITERALLY stand to one side and have a
long-ass conversation just to really drive the point home.
Then we'll do an elaborate song-and-dance to sneak inside
STAR Labs, after which I'll activate the emergency evacuation
alarm to get everyone out, making the whole "sneak inside" part pointless.
The plan WORKS, and soon, the team reaches the KRYPTONIAN SPACESHIP where they dump HENRY CAVILL into KRYPTO-GOOP!
Just to be clear, if we don't activate this last motherbox, Hinds has
no way of finding it. So if Ray flies into orbit and then hurls the
box into deep space...
We need Super-Cavill back, dammit, for various meta-reasons!
Now let's do the thing where Ray plugs into the ship, and Ezra
creates a huge zappy migraine-inducing energy field and--
BUT REALLY FOLKS AMY ADAMS IS SOOOOO SAAAAD
--it should reanimate Henry! Here we go!
(plugging into the ship)
Uh-oh, gang; I just got a horrible premonition of the future since that's
our very favorite source of character motivation. I see Darkseid
murdering all of us, and all this continuity being ditched, and DC
forever playing catch-up while Marvel continues to build on its
10-year head start, and …
But RAY'S warning is TOO LATE! WHIZRA activates the BOX, which activates SUPER-CAVILL, but he is CONFUSED!
Oh crap, my auto-defenses are gonna attack him! Weird that my
auto-defenses didn't take over when a parademon was right
outside my window or in the presence of other superbeings
I didn't know yet.
A HUGE FIGHT breaks out where SUPER-CAVILL basically STOMPS THE CRAP OUT OF THE REST OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, just to remind everyone who is BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN and who are the E-STREET BAND. He prepares to incinerate BATFLECK but--
Wait, Henry, it's me! I'm so sad! Look how sad I am!
I ... remember you. Empty coffee cups. Yes. So what's the situation?
We just activated a beacon that's gonna summon our arch-enemy
any moment, and only you can defeat him. So if you wouldn't mind
hanging around a few minutes--
NO, NOT YET; FIRST, I MUST FIND MYSELF
PERHAPS FINDING MYSELF INSIDE THIS HUMAN FEMALE
With impeccable comic timing, CGIARAN appears, but JOE MORTON takes the MOTHERBOX to an experimental chamber in the lab, and locks himself inside the chamber as he activates it!
JOE zaps the BOX a bit but gets OBLITERATED! CGIARAN HINDS vanishes with the BOX while the others console RAY.
Finally, I can switch from hating Joe to rage-grieving Joe. Hate
and rage being the two emotions of the Snyderverse!
ARRGHHH-- wait a sec ... I just realized, he was making the box
super-hot so it would show up on a satellite scan!
And I own a bunch of satellites! Which, for whatever reason, could
NOT detect a giant evil death-dome appearing in an otherwise
deserted part of Russia.
EXT. PART SIX - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"
Having located the BAD GUY HQ, our heroes strategize.
Hinds is about to merge the boxes to destroy Earth. But if
I can get inside, I can take them apart again before they synchronize.
So before they synchronize, we need to help you take
them apart from the inside.
I can get you inside, Ray, as long as you can take
the boxes apart before synchronization.
Remember, none of that matters unless Ray can get inside
the boxes before they synchronize to take them apart.
Inside the take boxes Ray synchronize apart them!
Sounds like a plan.
EXT. KENT FAMILY FARM
Meanwhile, HENRY CAVILL has been flying around, visiting landmarks from his past while the Earth is about to die, but EVEN MORE this time.
I really must make the best possible fashion choice for when
I swoop in to save the day at the last second. Don't want
to throw on any old thing ... plus I need something that says
grittier, darker, Snyderier. Hmm.
(holds up sparkly purple ensemble)
(finds ultra-drab black-grey suit)
THERE we go; this will clearly indicate to the League
I'm all back to my normal self!
EXT. DESERTED RADIOACTIVE RUSSIA
RAY makes AFFLECK'S BUSTED SHIP rich enough to FLY and they all land outside BAD GUY HQ.
I'm so glad I finally assembled this team. Right,
the first step is I attack all by myself, and you wait here.
BATFLECK takes out the SHIELD DOME and leads some PARADEMONS on a merry chase in his BATFLECKMOBILE!
Ha ha! These assholes might have laid waste to thousands of
planets defended by legions of heroes, but they've never faced
a middle-aged guy with a cool car!!
(kicks absurd amount of ass)
BATTLE IS JOINED! WONDER GADOT and AQUA-MOMOA frag tons of PARADEMONS, while RAY works his way to the BOXES, and WHIZRA runs really, really fast to create energy for RAY!
Wow, look at that homogenous blur circling our HQ. Might as
well take a random shot--
(rolls natural 20)
(hits Whizra's leg!)
CGIARAN HINDS goes to murder RAY, but his ax is blocked by ... SUPER-CAVILL (AMEX BLACK CARD EDITION)!
I'd have arrived sooner but needed to check in on Jeremy Irons
first; he hasn't even been mentioned so far. So is it time
for me to clown this fool?
But the BOXES SYNCHRONIZE and open a portal to DARKSEID and release an EARTH-VAPORIZING EXPLOSION that KILLS EVERYONE OH SHIT!
MWAH HA HA, AT LONG LAST I HAVE FOUND THE MOTHERBOXES
I KNEW THE LOCATION OF ALL ALONG! AS WELL AS THE ANTILIFE
EQUATION THAT I ALSO KNEW WAS HERE ALL ALONG!
OH AND THERE'S MY GLASSES I HAD THEM PUSHED
UP ON MY HEAD, HOLY CRAP, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY KEYS
Well, this sucks. Guess I'll just have to run faster than light and rewind
time, which will include reversing my leg injury thus, allowing
me to run faster than light in the first place.
WOW, that's a hell of a cheat code; take that, Christopher Reeve!
And with absolutely no downside, I can just do this all the time,
With everyone UNVAPORIZED, they pull apart the MOTHERBOXES and SAVE EARTH!
Now for the final blow against Hinds!
Screw you, I'M gonna land the final deathmurderblow!
Remember when I was throwing mall crooks into piles of teddy bears?
Poop. I guess me and my enormous army COULD charge through the
portal right now, but instead, I shall dramatically walk away down
this two-mile-long platform for the next week or so.
Our heroes WIN! Everyone climbs the nuclear reactor tower so they can all GAZE AT THE HORIZON together for funsies.
So by teaming up, our good unity defeated the evil
Motherbox unity! Yay-slash-boo-hiss for Unity!
Glad to have you back, Henry, but ah, black capes are MY thing.
RAY reverses the flow of entropy on the cassette tape of JOE MORTON he smashed because it's ELECTRONIC, you see.
And so we all merrily resumed our lives, and somehow
STILL managed never to mention how we explained Clark Kent
being alive again.
The FOUR-HOUR-LONG MOVIE ends with an EXTENDED TRAILER REEL for a bunch of imaginary sequels that will never happen, featuring ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY IN THE DCEU except ANY TITLE CHARACTERS FROM GOOD MOVIES.
(blows self, blurrily)
This was more fun when 22 Jump Street did it.
FINALLY THE END, HALLELUJAH
Top image: Warner Bros.