If 'Zack Snyder's Justice League' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

The internet demanded it, and if there's one thing we know for sure about the internet, it's that it's always a good idea to give in to its demands. The #SnyderCut is finally here! But did you know that there was an even more ultra-top secret version of the Justice League screenplay written but never filmed? We sent The Editing Room to Apokolips to procure the abridged version of it, having done so many times for us in the past.

FADE IN:

A DISCLAIMER assures the audience that the BLACK SIDEBARS are ENTIRELY NORMAL for an IMAX FILM being watched exclusively on HOME TELEVISIONS.

EXT. END OF BATMAN V SUPERMAN

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SUPER-CAVILL inspires a young kid by talking about how much he loves Earth. Just kidding, he SCREAMS IN AGONY AS HE IS GETTING BRUTALLY KILLED FOR THREE MINUTES

 

SUPER-CAVILL

(in slow motion)

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH

 

The SUPER-DEATH-SCREAM carries ALL AROUND THE WORLD and sets the COLOR SATURATION LEVEL to NEGATIVE A BILLION.

 

EXT. PART ONE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

BEN AFFLECK rides a HORSE at LORD OF THE RINGS pace to JASON MOMOA'S tiny secluded fishing village.

 

JASON MOMOA

Grr, piss off Ben! There's no special-powered people here, 

especially not me, the hulking buff guy with glowing eyes!

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BEN AFFLECK

Listen, Jesse Eisenberg was superimposed onto Krypton goop 

when Super-Cavill died, and he saw an evil vision and warned 

me, and I believe him, there, premise established. Join me!

 

JASON instead chooses to whip off his SWEATER and swim away, ending the scene on a down note as BEN gravely-

 

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST ALTERNATIVE FOLK GROUP

NAE NAE, this is the extended version we're not done yet!

We claim Momoa's discarded garments for our collection 

as we solemnly sing the Soggy Sweater Song!

(singing)

AAAiiiiiEEAAAiiiiiAAAAAiieeeeeee

 

BEN AFFLECK

(blinks)

 

EUROVISION FOLK SINGER

eeeAAAIIIiiii iiaaEEEEEEooaaaiii

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(snorting Momoa's sweater)

SNRRRRKKKK AWWW YEAH THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT

 

EXT. VARIOUS SEPIA LOCATIONS

In Kansas, DIANE LANE is VERY SAD! Also in Metropolis AMY ADAMS is VERY SAD while carrying EMPTY COFFEE CUPS that are QUITE SAD INDEED!!

 

INT. LONDON BANK

A group of TERRORISTS led by classic villain HAT GUY have taken HOSTAGES and set a BOMB, but one baddie is caught by the lasso of WONDER GADOT!

 

WONDER GADOT

Now talk, because you are in my lasso, which makes 

people talk! Why are you terrorists storming this bank?

 Why do you have a bomb? What's your plan?

 

TERRORIST

Nyah ha, I shall talk since I am tied in your lasso of talking! 

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We stormed this bank so we could set off the bomb 

and create terror because we are terrorists! Mwah ha ha!

 

WONDER GADOT

(pause)

So how many of these newly added scenes are 

just repeating plot points five different ways?

 

LASSO

I don't think you want to make him answer that.

 

WONDER GADOT leaps into action with her SUPER-SPEED that would seem to rival SUPER-CAVILL but later DOESN'T, and fires off a BRACELET SHOCKWAVE!!

 

HAT GUY

Well, I bet in THIS version I'm a much more formidable--

(emulsified)

 

The SHOCKWAVE PULVERIZES the TERRORISTS, DESTROYS half the BANK, and sends GIANT CHUNKS OF BUILDING RAINING DOWN ON THE COPS BELOW, CRUSHING THEM TO BLOODY PULP!

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WONDER GADOT

Stay in school, kids!

(winks)

 

EXT. THEMYSCIRA - SUPER SECURE FORTIFIED VAULT WITH GAPING HOLE IN ROOF, GREAT DESIGN CHOICE THERE FOLKS

Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding a MOTHERBOX – an incredibly important object that won't be properly identified for another HOUR -- when CGIARAN HINDS teleports in with his PARADEMONS!

 

CGIARAN HINDS

MWAH HA, IT IS I, STEPPENWOLF, THE MOST FEARED VILLAIN

 TO BE NAMED AFTER A LATE-'60S CANADIAN ROCK BAND!

 WITNESS MY NEW IMPROVED SPIKY ARMOR, THAT RENDERS 

ME INVINCIBLE AGAINST ANYTHING EXCEPT WOOL 

CHRISTMAS SWEATERS!

 

CGIARAN mops the floor and surrounding countryside with the AMAZONS and steals the BOX!

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CONNIE NIELSEN

This is gravely serious; the world is in imminent danger. 

We must warn Gal Gadot!

(pause)

Like, eventually. Maybe after dinner, we gotta get our 

imminent-danger-warning robes out of storage and whatnot.

 

Eventually, they get around to FIRING a WARNING ARROW to GREECE and GAL uses it to unlock the DARKSEID GIFT SHOP below the SHRINE OF THE AMAZONS, which must have quite an extensive basement if every possible threat has its own special room.

 

EXT. PART TWO - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

At STAR LABS, head scientist JOE MORTON meets with some military people to deliver exposition to.

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JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman_v_Superman:_Dawn_of_Justice#Plot

 

MILITARY GUY

I see. Well, we're terribly concerned about all the staff who've

 gone missing lately, so keep an eye out for them while we

 continue to do dick all.

 

JOE heads home where his son RAY FISHER, the CYBORG, is!

 

JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Stone_(DC_Extended_Universe)

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Welcome home, Dad; hope you're ready for another daily dose

 of my passive-aggressive resentment! Did you remember to

  pick up milk or a PROPER APOLOGY FOR RUINING MY ENTIRE 

LIFE?!? No, no, don't answer. Instead, help me check on the 

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potentially world-ending artifact we keep in the back of a closet.

 

EXT. ATLANTIS

Meanwhile, AQUA-MOMOA takes a break from filming men's fragrance commercials to stare at his DAD'S THRONE a bit.

 

WILLEM DAFOE

(creates air bubble)

I must speak with thee! You cannot renounce your duties,

 child of two worlds, Atlantean politics, I say!

 

AQUA-MOMOA

I gotta ask, why does Affleck think it's such a huge deal that

 I can breathe air? You're doing it right now. We all make 

air bubbles to talk to each other.

 

WILLEM DAFOE

I question your dedication to the offscreen political infighting

 that has zero connection to this story!

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AQUA-MOMOA

(sighs)

(holds up bottle of Bad IntenseTM by Diesel)

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INT. ABANDONED NUCLEAR FACILITY BAD GUY HQ - RUSSIA - NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OTHER 7100 RUSSIAN ABANDONED NUCLEAR FACILITY BAD GUY HQS FROM OTHER MOVIES

Meanwhile, CGIARAN HINDS makes an EVIL ZOOM CALL to a dark, gritty, lavalike being!

 

CGIARAN HINDS

OH DARKSEID, I have great news! Ahem. "EXT. THEMYSCIRA. 

Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding a MOTHERBOX -- an

 incredibly important object that --"

 

LAVA GUY

(interrupting)

No, I'm not Darkseid. I'm a different CGI dark, gritty, lavalike,

 growly-voiced, generically pure-evil bad guy that reports to Darkseid.

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CGIARAN HINDS

I thought I was the only CGI growly-voiced, generically 

pure-evil bad guy that reports to Darkseid.

 

LAVA GUY

Nope, apparently, this version needed THREE CGI growly-voiced,

 generically pure-evil bad guys in various shades of grey

 that either report to, or are, Darkseid.

 

CGIARAN HINDS

(pause)

Right. Anyway, "EXT. THEMYSCIRA. Meanwhile, AMAZONS 

are guarding --"

 

INT. THE BAT-HANGAR

GAL drops by to tell BEN the NEW IMPROVED backstory, now with added DARKSEID!

 

GAL GADOT

Long ago Darkseid attacked Earth using three motherboxes and 

the Anti-Life Equation, but was defeated by the combined might

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 of humans, Amazons, Atlanteans, Green Lanterns, the Iron Giant, 

Back to the Future, and a cartoon of Gerard Butler from 300.

 Darkseid retreated, leaving behind the boxes and the 

Equation and he's been searching the galaxy for them ever 

since despite having no reason to think they ever left Earth.

 

BEN AFFLECK

And I suppose the universe has been safer since then ...

 

GAL GADOT

Well apparently his crew still goes around destroying 

worlds, so not really? But if CGIaran gets all three boxes we're 

extra doomed.

 

BEN AFFLECK

I guess our next move is to help the Atlanteans guard the second motherbox.

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GAL GADOT

Nah, screw those posers. We could dedicate ourselves

 to finding the third motherbox guarded by humans?

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BEN AFFLECK

(rolls eyes)

BOOOOOORRRRRR-ING. I wanna find more superheroes! 

Let's find more superheroes.

 

EXT. PART THREE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

Somewhere in CENTRAL CITY, your friendly neighborhood EZRA MILLER applies for a job at a DOGGY DAY CARE run by a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.

 

EZRA MILLER

I know I'm late, and my resume is torn and looks like shit,

 but if I talk over you enough, can I have the job anyway?

 Remember, I'm a Nice White Guy!

 

But outside, there is a CAR CRASH involving a MIDDLE-AGED TRUCKER DUDE and a CUTE YOUNG GIRL!

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WHIZRA MILLER

OH NOOO! Must activate Speed Force! Must shatter shop 

window, causing thousands in damages, instead of opening 

the door, which I have plenty of time to do! Must race 

over to cute young girl, stare at her in mid-air, obsess 

creepily over her features! Must grab this floating hot dog,

 HAR HAR, as I continue to leer at her!

(drools)

Oh, and, I guess, save her life.

(saves girl, then stares at her unconscious face some more)

I wonder if that trucker dude is okay or if he smooshed

 any pedestrians I could have saved.

(shrugs)

(stares)

 

INT. RAY'S APARTMENT

Meanwhile, RAY figures, if we're gonna have an entire CYBORG SOLO MOVIE crammed inside this thing we'd better get started. He remembers being a FOOTBALL STAR!

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ANNOUNCER

And once again, Ray wins the entire game all by himself!

 Everyone moving in slow motion probably helped him

dodge tackles, but still, Ray is the greatest!! If only

his DAD were here to validate things, he has to settle for

just his MOM, poor guy! I bet her name's not even Martha!

 

After the game is a CAR CRASH that KILLS RAY'S MOM and almost HIM TOO, but JOE MORTON saves him using a MOTHERBOX!

 

RAY'S MOM

Dammit, Joe, it's called a MOTHERbox, I'm just saying.

(dies)

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

This is all YOUR fault, Joe! If YOU'D been driving, then you would 

have instantly died and not been able to save either of us, and 

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we'd all be dead oops never mind.

 

JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyborg_(DC_Comics)#Abilities

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(nods)

I see now. My cybernetics and computer brain lets me fly

and control machines and ... hack into financial markets?

 Seems like a bit of a random tangent, but okay.

 

We visit a VIRTUAL SPACE where a giant BULL and BEAR have a FISTFIGHT because ECONOMICS! Then RAY spies on a random WAITRESS who can only afford to live in a SECURITY CAMERA CLEARANCE WAREHOUSE.

 

RAY PHISHER

After scrutinizing this woman's life 24-7, I deem her worthy

of not being poor! And so I use this absurd graphic

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 interface to stretch this small pile of money into a 

LARGE STACK of money! There, no way will the bank

ever reverse this highly suspicious influx of money.

 

WAITRESS

Don't suppose you'd consider using your god-level financial powers

 to remedy more wide-reaching systemic causes of inequality?

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(thinks)

Nah, I'm good.

 

INT. BAD GUY HQ

CGIARAN fires up GOONGLE HANGOUTS to chat with LAVA GUY.

 

CGIARAN HINDS

Once more, allow me to summarize the events of this part of

the story! I used a Mind Spider to learn the Atlantean 

Motherbox was, shockingly, in Atlantis. Not even Amber Heard's

formidable carbonation powers could stop me, so I took it!

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LAVA GUY

And I see you've used the two motherboxes to create a large evil

dome! Yes, I'm recapping what happened earlier in this same scene!

 

CGIARAN HINDS

MWAH HA HA HA, remember when I started this call and summarized how--

 

EXT. PART FOUR - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

COMMISSIONER J.K. SIMMONS fires up the BATFLECKSIGNAL!

 

THE BATFLECK

Hello Commissioner. I've brought along some of my super friends:

 this is Wonder Gadot, you may remember her from 1984 when

 we all got to wish our dead parents back to life only

 to immediately give them up again, which reminds me,

 THANKS FOR THAT. And this is Whizra Miller, I found him on 4chan.

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RAY-TRACED FISHER

(arrives)

Screw you guys; leave me alone! How can I help?

 

J.K. SIMMONS

Here's a map of where all the kidnappings happened. If

 we assume that Hinds is keeping his hostages in the exact center

 of these points instead of back at his Russian base or

 anywhere else on Earth since he can teleport at will--

 

WONDER GADOT

But THIS spot is underneath a bunch of water, perfect

for unlocking our next character slot! Let's go!

 

The TEAM charges off and rescues the USELESS HOSTAGES who've provided NO INFORMATION by fighting CGIARAN HINDS to a DRAW and then RETREATING, and indeed the plot manages to TREAD WATER JUST ENOUGH to summon AQUA-MOMOA!

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INT. BATFLECKCAVE

RAY retrieves his MOTHERBOX from HIS OWN GRAVE where he stashed it, an improvement from BACK OF HIS CLOSET but still not quite FORTRESS-LEVEL, what IS it with humans.

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Now I'll use my TCM chip to show everyone this flashback to WWII

 when the Nazis found the motherbox and basically HYDRA-ed

 it all up. Like most Nazi shit, it eventually wound up in an American lab.

 

JASON MOMOA

And then Joe used it to re-animate you, the SELFISH BASTARD,

 which means ...

(group silence)

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

...we're all thinking Super-Cavill, right? Here, I'll project a

 cute hologram of him flying to illustrate. And check it out;

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 I can make him breakdance too. Also--

 

BEN AFFLECK

YES, we're all thinking Super-Cavill. Especially because I'm convinced

 these ancient motherboxes are specifically afraid of a 

Kryptonian powered-up by Earth atmosphere, an event that

 had never happened before they went dormant.

 

WONDER GADOT

(muttering)

Not like you already have a teammate who beat the

 guy who beat Darkseid standing right the here …

 

INT. METROPOLIS

Meanwhile, AMY ADAMS and DIANE LANE are VERY VERY SAD but in the SAME ROOM! Also, DIANE is really CGI HARRY LENNIX which DOES NOT MATTER!

 

EXT. PART FIVE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

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The mission to revive SUPER-CAVILL is underway!

 

BEN AFFLECK

Right, we'll start off with the same plan as the theatrical cut: Ray

 and Ezra will dig up Henry's corpse while Gal and Jason use their

 super-strength to point and laugh at them. But this time, we'll 

have Gal and Jason LITERALLY stand to one side and have a

 long-ass conversation just to really drive the point home.

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Then we'll do an elaborate song-and-dance to sneak inside 

STAR Labs, after which I'll activate the emergency evacuation 

alarm to get everyone out, making the whole "sneak inside" part pointless.

 

The plan WORKS, and soon, the team reaches the KRYPTONIAN SPACESHIP where they dump HENRY CAVILL into KRYPTO-GOOP!

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WONDER GADOT

Just to be clear, if we don't activate this last motherbox, Hinds has

no way of finding it. So if Ray flies into orbit and then hurls the

box into deep space...

 

THE BATFLECK

We need Super-Cavill back, dammit, for various meta-reasons!

 Now let's do the thing where Ray plugs into the ship, and Ezra 

creates a huge zappy migraine-inducing energy field and--

 

EXT. METROPOLIS

BUT REALLY FOLKS AMY ADAMS IS SOOOOO SAAAAD

 

INT. SPACESHIP

 

THE BATFLECK

--it should reanimate Henry! Here we go!

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(plugging into the ship)

Uh-oh, gang; I just got a horrible premonition of the future since that's

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 our very favorite source of character motivation. I see Darkseid

 murdering all of us, and all this continuity being ditched, and DC

 forever playing catch-up while Marvel continues to build on its 

10-year head start, and …

 

But RAY'S warning is TOO LATE! WHIZRA activates the BOX, which activates SUPER-CAVILL, but he is CONFUSED!

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Oh crap, my auto-defenses are gonna attack him! Weird that my 

auto-defenses didn't take over when a parademon was right

 outside my window or in the presence of other superbeings 

I didn't know yet.

(fires!)

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A HUGE FIGHT breaks out where SUPER-CAVILL basically STOMPS THE CRAP OUT OF THE REST OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, just to remind everyone who is BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN and who are the E-STREET BAND. He prepares to incinerate BATFLECK but--

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AMY ADAMS

(appearing)

Wait, Henry, it's me! I'm so sad! Look how sad I am!

 

SUPER-CAVILL

I ... remember you. Empty coffee cups. Yes. So what's the situation?

 

THE BATFLECK

We just activated a beacon that's gonna summon our arch-enemy

 any moment, and only you can defeat him. So if you wouldn't mind

 hanging around a few minutes--

 

SUPER-CAVILL

NO, NOT YET; FIRST, I MUST FIND MYSELF

(grabs Amy)

PERHAPS FINDING MYSELF INSIDE THIS HUMAN FEMALE 

WOULD HELP--

(flies away)

 

With impeccable comic timing, CGIARAN appears, but JOE MORTON takes the MOTHERBOX to an experimental chamber in the lab, and locks himself inside the chamber as he activates it!

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JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Manhattan#Origins

 

CHAMBER

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LOL#Nope

 

JOE zaps the BOX a bit but gets OBLITERATED! CGIARAN HINDS vanishes with the BOX while the others console RAY.

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Finally, I can switch from hating Joe to rage-grieving Joe. Hate

 and rage being the two emotions of the Snyderverse! 

ARRGHHH-- wait a sec ... I just realized, he was making the box

 super-hot so it would show up on a satellite scan!

 

THE BATFLECK

And I own a bunch of satellites! Which, for whatever reason, could

 NOT detect a giant evil death-dome appearing in an otherwise

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 deserted part of Russia.

 

EXT. PART SIX - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

Having located the BAD GUY HQ, our heroes strategize.

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Hinds is about to merge the boxes to destroy Earth. But if

I can get inside, I can take them apart again before they synchronize.

 

WONDER GADOT

So before they synchronize, we need to help you take

 them apart from the inside.

 

THE BATFLECK

I can get you inside, Ray, as long as you can take

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 the boxes apart before synchronization.

 

AQUA-MOMOA

Remember, none of that matters unless Ray can get inside

 the boxes before they synchronize to take them apart.

 

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WHIZRA MILLER

Inside the take boxes Ray synchronize apart them!

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(nods)

Sounds like a plan.

 

EXT. KENT FAMILY FARM

Meanwhile, HENRY CAVILL has been flying around, visiting landmarks from his past while the Earth is about to die, but EVEN MORE this time.

 

HENRY CAVILL

I really must make the best possible fashion choice for when

 I swoop in to save the day at the last second. Don't want

to throw on any old thing ... plus I need something that says

grittier, darker, Snyderier. Hmm.

(holds up sparkly purple ensemble)

Hmm.

(finds ultra-drab black-grey suit)

THERE we go; this will clearly indicate to the League

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 I'm all back to my normal self!

 

EXT. DESERTED RADIOACTIVE RUSSIA

RAY makes AFFLECK'S BUSTED SHIP rich enough to FLY and they all land outside BAD GUY HQ.

 

THE BATFLECK

I'm so glad I finally assembled this team. Right,

 the first step is I attack all by myself, and you wait here.

 

BATFLECK takes out the SHIELD DOME and leads some PARADEMONS on a merry chase in his BATFLECKMOBILE!

 

THE BATFLECK

Ha ha! These assholes might have laid waste to thousands of

planets defended by legions of heroes, but they've never faced

a middle-aged guy with a cool car!!

(kicks absurd amount of ass)

 

BATTLE IS JOINED! WONDER GADOT and AQUA-MOMOA frag tons of PARADEMONS, while RAY works his way to the BOXES, and WHIZRA runs really, really fast to create energy for RAY!

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RANDOM PARADEMON

Wow, look at that homogenous blur circling our HQ. Might as

 well take a random shot--

(rolls natural 20)

(hits Whizra's leg!)

Oh, NOICE!

(killed)

 

CGIARAN HINDS goes to murder RAY, but his ax is blocked by ... SUPER-CAVILL (AMEX BLACK CARD EDITION)!

 

SUPER-CAVILL

I'd have arrived sooner but needed to check in on Jeremy Irons

first; he hasn't even been mentioned so far. So is it time

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for me to clown this fool?

 

But the BOXES SYNCHRONIZE and open a portal to DARKSEID and release an EARTH-VAPORIZING EXPLOSION that KILLS EVERYONE OH SHIT!

 

DARKSEID

MWAH HA HA, AT LONG LAST I HAVE FOUND THE MOTHERBOXES

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 I KNEW THE LOCATION OF ALL ALONG! AS WELL AS THE ANTILIFE

 EQUATION THAT I ALSO KNEW WAS HERE ALL ALONG!

 OH AND THERE'S MY GLASSES I HAD THEM PUSHED

 UP ON MY HEAD, HOLY CRAP, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY KEYS

 

WHIZRA MILLER

Well, this sucks. Guess I'll just have to run faster than light and rewind

time, which will include reversing my leg injury thus, allowing

me to run faster than light in the first place.

(does so)

WOW, that's a hell of a cheat code; take that, Christopher Reeve!

And with absolutely no downside, I can just do this all the time, 

bye-bye suspense!

 

With everyone UNVAPORIZED, they pull apart the MOTHERBOXES and SAVE EARTH!

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AQUA-MOMOA

Now for the final blow against Hinds!

(skewers!)

 

SUPER-CAVILL

Screw you, I'M gonna land the final deathmurderblow!

(pummels!)

 

WONDER GADOT

Remember when I was throwing mall crooks into piles of teddy bears?

(beheads!)

 

DARKSEID

Poop. I guess me and my enormous army COULD charge through the

 portal right now, but instead, I shall dramatically walk away down

 this two-mile-long platform for the next week or so.

 

Our heroes WIN! Everyone climbs the nuclear reactor tower so they can all GAZE AT THE HORIZON together for funsies.

 

WONDER GADOT

So by teaming up, our good unity defeated the evil

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 Motherbox unity! Yay-slash-boo-hiss for Unity!

 

THE BATFLECK

Glad to have you back, Henry, but ah, black capes are MY thing.

(pointed stare)

 

EXT. EPILOGUE

RAY reverses the flow of entropy on the cassette tape of JOE MORTON he smashed because it's ELECTRONIC, you see.

 

JOE MORTON

(on tape)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atom_(Ryan_Choi)

 

RAY-TRACED FISHER

And so we all merrily resumed our lives, and somehow

 STILL managed never to mention how we explained Clark Kent

 being alive again.

(shrugs)

 

The FOUR-HOUR-LONG MOVIE ends with an EXTENDED TRAILER REEL for a bunch of imaginary sequels that will never happen, featuring ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY IN THE DCEU except ANY TITLE CHARACTERS FROM GOOD MOVIES.

 

JOKER LETO

(blows self, blurrily)

 

THE BATFLECK

Bat-F-bomb!

 

EVIL SUPER-CAVILL

This was more fun when 22 Jump Street did it.

 

FINALLY THE END, HALLELUJAH

Top image: Warner Bros.