5 Realities Of The Coca-Cola Card, Or The Most Confusing Marketing Campaign In History

Coca-Cola aggressively manufactured more than 55 million cards in hopes that one out of every five Americans would fully embrace their carbonated identities. Borrowing a page from your drug dealer, cards were peddled in high schools, pizza joints, and spring break hotspots like Daytona Beach. Three million alone were mailed directly to teens in an attempt to hook them on both junk food and junk mail. Each card was hyper-localized, offering an array of seasonal "benefits" that varied widely from town to town. There were 280 different versions of the goddamn thing, each specific to a different U.S. soda bottling territory -- which, upon a cursory glance, looks like a map of places that oppose same-sex marriage. 

The card even came outfitted in its own protective cardboard sleeve, lest such a rare and valuable commodity incur damage from the elements, with a six-page fold out list that highlighted precisely where you'd be able to use the thing. If you were the kind of 10th grader who got horny over small businesses and unfurling maps, 1998 was your summer of 69. 

A typical deal was that of South Dakota's famed Volga Gas Stop, where cardholders who purchased a 20 oz. cola were entitled to a quarter-pound Jimmy Dean hot dog for the low price of 49 cents and an evening of abdominal pain. Some were slightly better, like the AMC Theaters in Pennsylvania that gave away a free small bag of popcorn with the purchase of a fountain Coke, which even today would cost upwards of $60.

Others remained needlessly complicated, like the offer from New Jersey's Tanger Outlet Center, which required interested parties to present both the Coke Card and a Coke bottle cap to an official at the Tanger Mall office in order to obtain a "FREE coupon book." It was the Inception of bargains; a coupon within a coupon. But instead of chatting up Leo DiCaprio and Cillian Murphy at the counter of a high-end dream bar, you were negotiating with Waldenbooks' landlord in the back office of a shopping center over how to score a cheap food court taco.

IYDKYDG presented Coke Card carriers with the chance to attend exclusive events, including a series of secret concerts featuring the likes of Everclear, Smash Mouth, and Talib Kweli, where the price of admission was a single can of Coke. Trouble is, IYDKYDG worked so well that nobody actually knew what or where they were supposed to know or go. Recounting the tour as "the dumbest shit I ever did in my life," Kweli told Pollstar in 2003 that because nobody knew how to attend the free concerts, promoters had to stand outside and beg people on the street to attend. Even the entry-level Times Square comics hawking "free" stand-up comedy shows do a better job at disappointing strangers. 

That's because, in order to find out about the concerts, Cokeheads were required to use their card to dial up a special phone number that granted access to a proprietary voice mailbox. Oh, did I forget to mention that The Coca-Cola Card was also a sprawling nationwide telecommunications project? 1999 Coke Cards included Coke Voicemail, said to be the world's largest voicemail network, which could only be accessed by purchasing a bottle of Coke and entering an 11-digit access code printed on the bottle cap.

A few weeks out, Coke would blanket voicemail boxes with word of a concert, and the two dozen souls savvy enough to decipher the riddle of the Diet Sphynx would be rewarded with a concert like Kweli's. One of the more notable tour dates was a free Everclear concert in Austin, which led to assault charges against lead singer Art Alexakis and guitarist Brian Lehfeldt after they pushed away a teenage girl who had thrown a "cup full of liquid" at the band. It's also believed to have been a bottle, which would have been nice -- if it was a 20 oz Coke, they could have used its cap to leave a message for their attorney. 

I think this is an important time to remind you that all of this effort was to get you to buy something that you drink on occasion.

My small-town suburb must have fallen in between two different bottling regions because all of the "GREAT OFFERS" were only available in adjacent or distant towns. Maybe the kids in Clarkston got to enjoy the thrill of scoring a half-priced soda for their sister, but for those of us trapped in Lake Orion, the card remained an unrequited love -- a high school handjob that came to an abrupt and unsatisfying conclusion once the bus pulled up to the commons. One of the more unsettling aspects of the promotion was that it really was just a ruse to get kids addicted to soda. Soft drink marketers made it Crystal Pepsi clear that the purpose behind promotions like these were to attract customer loyalty at "the age where brand preferences are formed." Considering childhood obesity affects 20% of this nation's children, we might as well start mailing out Coca-Cola Cards that include your Medicare number.

Today, I don't even drink soda -- the last time I had a Coke was probably in a Jack and Coke, where I mixed in the Jack to disguise the taste of the Coke. And even if you're someone who's been drinking Coke since the 90s, I don't think it's because of the Coca-Cola Card. I think it's because you love visiting the dentist. 

Greg Ott (@_gregott) is a digital video producer at Cracked. He's also the host and writer of "The Latest with Greg Ott," a weekly comedy podcast about trending news and O.J. Simpson's Twitter account that's shorter than a Dave Matthews Band song.

Top image: Coca Cola, Maxim Tarasyugin/Shutterstock