Dan Bilzerian branded himself as the "King of Instagram", even though at the time of this writing, his is ranked as the 140th most followed account on the site (he's coming for you, Brazillian singer Ivete Sangalo!). He is also an actor, entrepreneur, venture capitalist, millionaire, playboy, former high-stakes poker player, recreational weed magnate, two-time Navy SEAL runner-up, and possibly the most suspiciously lucky man to have ever walked the Earth.
If you've managed to come this far in life without knowing who this man is, please turn back now. The extravagant lifestyle he projects is pure elitist entertainment. He has the kind of rabid and toxic fanbase that's normally associated with wild racoons, and he has spawned so many other fake-it-til-you-make-it copycats on social media that it's hard to tell what's real anymore. However, if you were to look at Dan's life under even the world's least powerful microscope, there are so many batshit crazy details that will quickly send you down a rabbit hole of bemused skepticism. The man really is the Forrest Gump of douchebaggery.
It's important to note just how much I tried to give this guy a fair shake when starting to write this article, but there are just so many cartoonishly asinine aspects of this man's life that it was hard enough to narrow it down to the greatest hits, let alone resist the temptation to make fun of him. It's really difficult to not dunk on this guy when he keeps lowering the rim all the time. I mean, just look. At. Him! He looks like a villain in a poorly rendered PS2 game. He's a walking pair of tactical cargo shorts. He looks like if the Smirnoff Ice Challenge was a person. He looks like Zangief's little brother. Okay, got a lot of it out of my system. Let's begin.
His Entire Poker Career May Have Been a Bluff
Dan Bilzerian attended the University of Florida to study Business and Criminology ... an interesting choice in majors for the son of a Wall Street felon. It was during this time that his brother, Adam, taught him how to play poker, and Dan quickly got himself hooked. As Dan likes to tell it, his online poker habit caused him to be broke by sophomore year, so he sold two of his guns for $750 and tried his luck one more time. Most recovering gambling addicts would call this hitting rock bottom.