Long gone are the days of Reefer Madness. Children of the '90s will remember TV commercials paid for by some sort of coalition of panicked mothers, suggesting that a single puff of the devil's lettuce was a metaphorical express train to living beneath the tracks of a literal express train.

Oh, yeah, dogs hate it when you get high and pet them for three hours.

These days, there are only five states left in the US where marijuana is still full-on, old-school, handcuffs-and-Miranda-rights illegal: Wyoming, Kansas, South Carolina, Idaho, and Tennessee. Which is twice as unfortunate because at least four of those are states I would want to be extremely high in. I'm not watching potatoes grow dead sober. Everywhere else in the US, the icky is either decriminalized, cleared for medicinal (ow, my insomnia!) use, or full-on legal.

With this wave of legalization, weed has become a popular and profitable business. Now, instead of buying an eighth of something called Scary Busey from a guy with a katana collection, you're buying 3.5 grams of an indica-dominant hybrid from some bougie cannabis grower, called something like "Puffalo Farms," that may be part-owned by the real Gary Busey.

Puffalo Farms might simply be an enjoyable fake name, but celebrity cannabis brands are a burgeoning business, growing at almost the same rate as overpriced celebrity liquor. (If you ever meet a guy at a bar actually ordering Ryan Reynolds' gin, congratulations on meeting Ryan Reynolds). For some celebrities, it's finally a chance to get in on a business that's been using their likeness on baggie stickers for decades. Snoop Dogg's face is to weed labels what fat little babies are to renaissance paintings.

Pop culture's iconically blunted figures aren't the only ones to see green, however. More and more celebrities and popular figures are getting into the jazz cabbage game, including some that you'd be surprised to see in the dispensary, much less making a product drop-off ...

Billy Ray Cyrus - Don't Break His Heart Bong

The once and future Mullet King may not have embraced the weed community as whole-heartedly as his pigtailed contemporary Willie Nelson, but that's not to say he never indulged. What seems to have been a life-long love for Lucifer's leaf isn't something to keep off the tabloid pages anymore. The last of any belief that Billy Ray didn't appreciate a hefty J was silenced with his official music video for the song "Angel In My Pocket."

I hope to god his weed comes with little cowboy hats.

Now, Billy Ray has transitioned from puff-taker to pot-tender with a new line of "Midnight Special" custom Billy Ray Cyrus blend joints from Lowell Smokes, which, as I understand it from my LA friends, is basically the White Claw of weed.

And if a music video where he's portrayed as a walking, talking, rooting, and tooting weed nug isn't enough evidence that Billy Ray Cyrus is 420 friendly, may I refer you to this Instagram post featuring his wife. This picture also gives me an idea for a stoner-heist movie that the world needs to see. We could call it Ocean's 420. (Hollywood, I am VERY free.)

Montel Williams - From Daytime Talk To Daytime Toke

Television host Montel Williams, who is NOT the guy who sings "This Is How We Do It," to save you that google, has been an outspoken medical cannabis supporter for over a decade. Williams has good reason to be, as a sufferer of multiple sclerosis who credits marijuana as extremely helpful in his battle with the chronic pain associated with the disease.

What did Jordan Peele know that we didn't?

Montel founded Lenitiv Scientific in 2016 to provide both THC and CBD products to assist those who would benefit from medicinal marijuana. For Williams, this is a battle with far higher stakes than enhancing the taste of breakfast cereal, and to his credit, it's one he's been fighting long before marijuana was polite dinner table conversation. His involvement in the weed industry goes beyond simple financial investment to personal, sincere investment in the possibilities it offers.

If you want to get a glimpse of his dedication and personal experience with the help that medicinal marijuana can offer, watch the emotional speech (CW: suicide discussion) he gave at the Pennsylvania State Capital. Fair warning: if you're currently high, you may want to avoid it, as it is genuinely emotionally devastating.

Former Speaker of the House John Boehner - Hypotcrite

Montel Williams is a staunch marijuana activist who was consistent in his support throughout his life. John Boehner is ... not that. Boehner's inclusion on this list comes more from the sheer hypocrisy involved in him suddenly joining the board of a New York cannabis company in 2018. This despite Boehner describing himself in 2011 as "unalterably opposed to the legalization of marijuana."

Former Speaker John Boehner
Nothing opens a mind like a dollar sign.

Boehner also claims that the use of medical marijuana to help struggling veterans opened his eyes to its advantages, but a mea culpa rings slightly more hollow when you were the head of a legislative body that discussed these issues. Maybe you could have talked to some veterans back then, and while you were at it, asked if maybe they could benefit from additional mental health resources.

But congratulations to Boehner on opening his mind to new ways to supplement his government pension. Maybe next, he can invest in an LBGT wedding planning business or a same-sex couple adoption clinic.

Jim Belushi - Got A Green Thumb

It feels less than surprising to find weed supporters in the comedy business, but Jim Belushi is doing a lot more than dipping his toe in the bong water. Belushi owns a 93-acre farm in Eagle Point, Oregon, where he grows enough weed to give Siddhartha Gautama himself an anxiety attack.

Jim Belushi watering his weed

Belushisfarm.com

Source: belushisfarm.com, and also a NyQuil dream I had once.

He was gifted the weed-friendly land from a sickly neighbor on her deathbed in a story that sounds like it should be mumbled over the course of a three-episode NPR miniseries. Which, in my humble opinion, is a lovely way to honor their memory, their beloved land enhancing the enjoyment of Studio Ghibli films the world over.

Of course, with the business talk and inspirational story, some of that OG weed language can't help but survive. "Belushi's Secret Stash," includes a strain simply called "Crippler" and another referred to as "the infamous Captain Jack's Gulzar Afghanica" a.k.a. "The Smell of SNL" which I think we can all agree, kicks ass. (SIDE NOTE: I highly recommend reading the site page on Captain Jack, who apparently was head weedsman of 30 Rock's backstage supply.)

Dick Wolf - Spending His Law And Order Greenbacks On Green Buds

Yes, that Dick Wolf. The Dun-Dun King of Crime Television. The man responsible for Ice-T incredulously explaining every sexual fetish known to man. Perhaps Mr. Wolf discovered that marijuana helped him relax after having to cast 42 bartenders a week for each of the 102 variants of Law and Order that have each been running for over 2000 years and decided to get in on the supply side.

Executive Producer Dick Wolf

NBCUniversal

I'm using this instead of a picture because I prefer to imagine him as some sort of unknowable true-crime television elder god.

Wolf has $1.5 million (DUN-DUN VOICE: Cha-Ching) invested in DigiPath, a company that specializes in lab testing related to the sweet leaf. A quick google reveals that DigiPath has not been what smarter businesspeople than I would call "profitable," but when you're thinking in Law & Order terms, any "investment" that doesn't result in three murders, a suicide, and several counts of perjury is above average.

As the budding business expands, I assume we'll see more and more celebrities embracing the money that's to be made in the marijuana trade. And for us, the customers, we should simply enjoy the golden age of marijuana! It's the perfect time where it's mostly legal, but not SO legal that the FDA's been thoroughly lobbied to drop the health and safety standards to the point where most joints are a mixture of one pinch of kief sprinkled over shredded paper dyed green with wastewater.

Unless you live in Idaho. Surrounded by curly fry ingredients and unable to smoke weed, like some sort of toke-forbidden Tantalus. For that, I am deeply sorry.

Top image: Gage Skidmore, BMI

Join the Cracked Movie Club

Expand your movie and TV brain--get the weekly Cracked Movie Club newsletter!

Forgot Password?