To royalty, marriage isn't about love; it's about politics. Alliances are formed, dynasties are created, and wars are fought over which two second cousins will produce the next generation of oxygen-poor blue bloods. So when the future king of Spain, Charles III, and his blushing bride Maria Amalia of Saxony were ready to start their life and house alliance together, the first thing the young king did was send word to his parents -- about how awesome it is to get laid.
On June 19th, 1738, the already married Charles and Amalia met for the first time -- they were wedded in proxy with Amalia's brother standing in as groom, just to start as incestuously as befits European royalty). Right after, Charles sent his royal parents an urgent letter informing them of the historic event (here translated to English by Redditor jacamacho). The letter starts just as you'd expect correspondence between royal family members to be, as deferential and grateful to God as an acceptance speech at the Nun of the Year awards.
My very dear Father and my very dear Mother, I was happy to know that your Majesties are still doing fine, me and my wife are perfectly well, thank God. I received a letter from your Majesties on the 15th of last month, in which I saw how, thanks be to God, your Majesties had received two of my letters.
So far, so very formal and delicate. And since this a slightly awkward letter confirming that Charles' and Amalia's wedding had been consummated (and therefore made official), that's a very good tone to uphold. Charles then continues:
You told me that sometimes young girls are not so easy and that, with this hot weather, I should try to save my energy, not doing it as much as I wanted because it could ruin my health, that I should be content with once or twice times between night and day,
Clearly, the Spanish Bourbon line is not shy when it comes to talking sex. Also, that must've been some birds and bees talk if it included strategies on stamina retention and weather patterns. But since these are still kings and queens we're talking about, a certain level of decorum is to be expect--
We went to bed at nine o'clock and both of us were shaking but we started to kiss and I was soon ready, so I started and after 15 minutes I broke her (her hymen). This time none of us could spill (ejaculate).
Okay, that escalated quickly. At this point, I'm going to have to bite the Alabama bullet here and point out that when the 22-year-old Charles III mentions Amalia as being one of the "young girls," it's because she is 13 years old at the time of their wedding night. An average age to get married (or get a job, or die of natural causes) in the 18th century, but a bit of trivia that makes things real awkward when Charlie Three starts doing a play-by-play:
About what you told me about her being young and delicate, warning me that she would make me sweat, I will say that the first time I was sweating like a fountain but I have not sweat since then.
Admitting that young girls make you sweat like a fountain would get you a bottom bunk in Gary Glitter's prison cell today. But again, different times, different mores. Charles III, at this point in his life, is also still a virgin and is described as a sensitive and intelligent king. Hopefully, that takes the sting out of it a little when it keeps going on and on and on:
Later, at three o'clock in the morning, I started again and we both "spilled", both at the same time, and since then we have continued like this [...] I will also say that we always "spill" at the same time because we always wait for each other.
This obsession with having concurrent orgasms might feel more like an excerpt of an (interminably long) memoir written by Sting, but it actually offers a glimpse into one of the rare sex-positive superstitions during the Middle Ages. A belief started by Galen, the granddaddy of modern medicine, many Mediterranean Medieval men believed that babies could only be conceived after both partners had achieved climax. A good deal for noblewomen whose main job it was to pop out heirs. The letter ends with:
My wife begs me to place her with the utmost submission at the feet of your Majesties.
A grand formal finish and definitely not a very creepy statement of "Amalia says hi in between trips to Ciudad de Hueso, Espana." As awkwardly explicit (and underaged) the start, King Charles III of Spain and Queen Consort Maria Amalia did go on to have one of the greatest royal marriages in history -- and a pretty active sex life given Amalia's thirteen pregnancies. And the sweetest part of the letter shows that Chuck knew that from the start:
She is the most beautiful girl in the world, she has the spirit of an angel and the best disposition. I am the happiest man in the world having this woman who will be my companion for the rest of my life.
Aww, whoever said that politically arranged child bride weddings can't have a happily ever after?
For more weird (but appropriately aged) tangents, do follow Cedric on Twitter.