Do you love reading really really really bad sex scenes? You know the ones with similies including âstreak like superheroes past solar systems,â that describe moans as âsomewhere between a beached seal and a police siren,â and compare orgasms to âa demon eel?â Well reader, if the answer is yes, I come bearing bad news. Literature's worst erm, love scenes will have to wait for their day in the sun as the Literary Review's 2020 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards have been canceled. Celebrating the worst depictions of intercourse, the prize acknowledges the year's most 'unconvincing, perfunctory, embarrassing or redundant passages of a sexual nature in sound literary novels,' including the three, erm, colorful examples listed above.
Yet in a year marked by a global pandemic, murder hornets, and the failure of the U.S. mail system, to name a few, the award's judges have decided to put the accolade on hold, citing none other than the dumpster fire that has been the past 365 days. "After weeks of deliberation, the judges of the Bad Sex in Fiction Award 2020 have taken the difficult decision to cancel this yearâs prize," reads a statement on the site. "The judges felt that the public had been subjected to too many bad things this year to justify exposing it to bad sex as well."
Yikes. Yet in spite of this decision, the judges offer a stark warning to authors everywhere. "With lockdown regulations giving rise to all manner of novel sexual practices, the judges anticipate a rash of entries next year," a spokesperson said. "Authors are reminded that cybersex and other forms of home entertainment fall within the purview of this award. Scenes set in fields, parks or back yards, or indoors with the windows open and fewer than six people present will not be exempt from scrutiny either.â
However, it seems the award has rarely ever lacked nominees. Over the years, numerous famous authors have won the not-so-coveted award, including Tom Wolfe for the suspiciously serpentine line âslither slither slither slither went the tongue," and musician Morrissey for the bizarre metaphors of âthe pained frenzyâ of a âbulbous salutationâ in his novel List of the Lost.
After his recognition, the artist said it was âbest to maintain an indifferent distanceâ from the entire shebang, âbecause there are too many good things in life to let these repulsive horrors pull you down." Ahh, the horrors of bad sex. The only thing worse than 2020,