What do we actually know about our sugary cereal cartoon spokespeople? Are they truly who they say they are? Is Count Chocula a real count? Are we really going to pretend that Tony is an actual tiger and not a coked-out dude in a football mascot uniform? Whatever their stories, we know for a fact that one notable cereal officer is living a lie because whatever Cap'n Crunch is, he is no U.S. captain. Sir.
Since 1963, Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch has had a distinguished naval career sailing the Milk Sea and cutting through both pirates and the roofs of children's' mouths. But under whose flag? While his uniform resembles that of a typical U.S. naval officer, eagle-eyed cereal box readers have noticed that his sleeves come up short. You see, a captain's uniform comes with four distinguishable stripes ...
... while 'Cap'n' Crunch has but three.
Three stripes only make him a commander, a lowly lieutenant in service to another flag officer. While this doesn't exclude Crunch from being a captain of his own vessel (in Crunch's case, the S.S. Guppy) but it does not earn him the right to go around addressing himself as anything other than Commander Crunch. But the stormy story of Cap'n Crunch's so-called naval career is even more scandalous than lying about his rank. In earlier iterations of the puffy cereal, Cap'n Crunch had only one stripe on his sleeves ...
But that's not the insignia of an ensign. That's the thick 2-inch stripe of a rear admiral (which would explain the hat), a rank even higher than captain. So the pertinent question isn't why Cap'n Crunch is pretending to be a captain instead of a commander; it's what horrific maritime crimes did he commit to earn such a severe demotion? Does he keep endlessly sailing the international Milk Sea because he knows that the moment his dainty feet touch land, he'll be sent to The Hague for war crimes?
We'll never know since, in a shocking twist, there are no official records of a Cap'n Crunch ever being part of any recognized navy. After the sleeve scandal came to light, the U.S. Navy scoured their files and admitted that "our personnel records do not show a "Cap'n Crunch" who currently serves or has served in the Navy." All of this points to only one possible answer. The slapdash naval uniform, the alleged (by us) war crimes, his base on the unrecognized state of Crunch Island … Why, Cap'n Crunch is nothing more than a dirty rotten pirate, probably raiding Froot Loops Treasures ships to supply him with the sugary cereal he slings to children. The Cap-- Command-- er, rogue operative has denied these charges vehemently, tweeting ...
... while forgetting that even his cereal also only has three bars!
The jig is up, Pirate Cap'n Crunch, privateers are being given their writs as we speak. Surrender to the courts of man, or you will follow the Guppy down to a watery grave.
For more cereal conspiracy theories, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
Top Image: Quaker Oats Company